Ollie: “If you kill somebody and you don’t have the money to pay for it, you have to go to jail until you die. So don’t kill somebody.”

I think “and you don’t have the money to pay for it” shows an astute understanding of the justice system far beyond his 3 years.

Ollie, whispering: “Mama is rich. I saw how much money she has!”

We’re rich! We’re rich! We can kill whoever we want!

Wait, no, unfortunately he was only referring to her jar of pennies which looks like quite a fortune to him.

Me: “I’m the meanest daddy in the world, never forget it.”
Ollie: “You know what? You’re not mean, but sometimes you do mean things.”

Me: “You know, someday Nala’s going to die and then what are we going to do?”
Sara: “Vacuum.”

::Talking about Evie and Mama switching places::
Me: “I guess I’d have to read Mama a story and tuck her in downstairs.”
Evie: “Yeah! And then I could stay up late! And wash dishes!!”

Evie: “I saw a picture of Jiggy Nye.”
Me: “Who is Jiggy Nye again?”
Evie: “A cold hearted scoundrel who mistreats his horse Penny.”
…
Sara: “Tell daddy about Josephena.”
Evie: “A girl whose wishes and hopes are as big as the Texas sky.”

I think someone’s been spending a little bit too much time with the promo copy.

Ollie: “Do grownups who don’t have kids eat?”

Me: “Oliver, are you okay??”
Ollie: “Yeah. It sounded like I got killed.”

Me: “If there was ever a day to wear underwear, this is the day!”

I meant long underwear, but they’re not going to let me hear the end of it.

Sara: “You have to clean your room before you can tape your brother’s hands together.”

Unfortunately, that one isn’t out of context: it was really intended the way it sounds.

Me: “Ollie, do you know how to play soccer?”
Ollie: “Yeah. I even know how to play soccer on roller skates!”

Evie: “Ollie, someone colored on this book.”
Ollie: “I didn’t do it.”
Evie: “Well I didn’t do it. Aunt Anna likes to color on lots of things, maybe she did it.”

Me: “Ollie look, there are pickle ornaments!”
Ollie, pointing to a Chicago Bean ornament: “And look, there are schnozcumber ornaments!”

It does, admittedly, look like a schnozcumber.

A co-worker received the following email: “Congratulations! You are the lucky winner of the Microsoft lottery! Since this is not a virus or spam, please click on the attachments to register…”

I guess they figured if you’re dumb enough to believe in the “Microsoft lottery”, you might also be dumb enough to believe *anything* you’re told.

Evie: “One of the things I like about a funeral, is you can drive through red lights.”