Quote Monday glows in the dark

Alex: “I spy with my little eye something helmety.”
Sara: “Is it that helmet?”
Alex: “Yes!”

Alex: “I saw the truck with the body parts!”
Sara: “The ‘body parts’ are called antlers.”

Ollie: “For supper, can we have BFGs or whatever they’re called?”
Sara: “BLTs??”

Maybe he was hoping for a bacon, fig, and Gruyere?

::Dark, quiet hotel room::
::Tremendous sneeze::
Ollie: “My snot glows in the dark!”

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Quote Monday is back from vacation

::Driving around some hairpin turns::
Evelyn: “Well, my sweatshirt’s brown now. We came around a corner, and I had a gasp, and…. I spilled some hot chocolate.”

She wasn’t the only one turning her sweatshirt brown during some of those mountain drives….

::Outside of Wall Drug::
Alex, excited: “Is this Walmart??”

Me: “We have seen buffalo coming out of our wangs!”
Sara: “Why would you say that?!”
Me: “What are you supposed to say again…oh, oh, wazoos!”

Sara, to the kids: “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
Me: “Not as beautiful as the Bee Movie starring Jerry Seinfeld, apparently.”

Free (Audio) Fiction by Me

(OMG a purple HP Lovecraft peeking out over a small town!)

This story was previously available in print, but I’m VERY please to say they have produced it in audio as well! I am always happy when I can share a story for free to a wider audience!

As long time readers know, I love the horror genre to death, but I write precious little of it these days. So if you’re in the mood for something creepy, see how this strikes you:

It’s an alt-history, steampunk (ethanol-punk?) Civil War / Lovecraft mashup in epistolary format. So if Civil War-era mechs battling tentacle beasts from space is something that sounds like it will appeal to you, 1) you should check this out, and 2) you’re my kind of person.

Listen now!

Quote Monday leaves the big city

::Visiting Muncie, Indiana::
Ollie: “You don’t even have to look both ways before crossing the street!”
Me: “You always have to look before crossing the street.”
::Car passes::
Ollie: “No, see! You can *hear them coming*!”

Evelyn: “This is the kind of street you only read about in books. Where your best friend lives next door.”

Alex: “A pencil!”
Sara: “Just leave it.”
Alex: “But I need it!”
Sara: “But you have many at home.”
Alex: “But I need many and one.”

::On the eve of Evelyn’s birthday::
Evelyn: “Just think 2 years from now I’m going to be saying, ‘this is my last day as a kid’.”

Uh huh.

Alex: “I’m going to weigh myself.”
Me: “What does [the scale] say?”
Alex: “It says big boy!”

Quote Monday obliterates the summer reading program

::Evelyn turning in her Summer Reading Program sheet after the first week::
Girl: “And you read all of these?”
Evelyn: “And these six here. I ran out of room.”
Girl, under her breath: “Jesus Christ.”

Ollie: “We’re soldiers. Play us a marching song.”
Alex: “Jingle bells jingle bells…”

Alex: “We’re going to have pancakes for breakfast!”
Sara: “Oh yeah? Did Daddy tell you that?”
Alex: “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh… I tell’d him that.”

Alex: “My pizza cutters are missing!”
Me: “Oh no we need a detective!”
Alex: “No, we need those pizza cutters.”
To be fair, it is hard to cut pizza with a detective…

Pre Order UFO 7, including a new story by me!

Long running humorous anthology series, Unidentified Funny Objects, is currently running a kickstarter for the latest in the series, which is set to include a story by me!

The first blurb is about my story, Chad Versus the Rebel Alliance:

A long time ago in a galaxy close enough not to violate any copyrights, the clone army fighting for the side of the evil empire is made up of a bunch of bros named Chad.

For the low, low price of $10, you can pre-order the ebook, which will include my story, or else you can go for the (beautiful) print version for $20.

Any of the books from from UFO Publishing are worth your time, but if you’re looking for a little more Shane Halbach in your life, I might recommend you upgrade that ebook to the $15 level (or $35 if you’re into the paperbacks!) and add a copy of UFO 5, including my story “The Lesser of Two Evils”. Either deal, ebook or print, is a great deal for two volumes of hilarious stories, and that’s two exclusive Shane Halbach stories not currently available in any other format!

And hey, if you’re into that kind of thing, there are a lot more reward levels to choose from: signed books, the full back catalog of books, even artwork and custom cross-stitching. And if you’re feeling REALLY generous, you can toss in for a “Tuckerization” (having your name appear in one of the stories).

Anyway, please back this Kickstarter because I love this (LEGALLY DISTINCT FROM ANY EXISTING SPACE FRANCHISES) story, and I really want it to exist in this world, and in your hands.

In the meantime, enjoy this excerpt:

Hey bro, can we get the thermostat up a few degrees? I’m freezing.”

Shaw ground his teeth. “It’s not cold in here. You literally ripped the sleeves off the shirt I lent you.”

Chad flexed his arms. “Suns out, guns out, baby!” He pointed out the porthole into space. “Suns. Everywhere.”

Free Audio Fiction by Me – Ten Things on Cast of Wonders

episode art wide

The full title, of course, being “Ten Things Sunil and I Forgot to Prepare for When Preparing for the Apocalypse”, because every story deserves a 14 word title.

This story previously appeared in Intergalactic Medicine Show, but that requires a subscription, so I am very pleased that it is now available to a wider audience.

There is nothing that tickles me more than hearing a story of mine in audio. I love the performance element that the narrator brings to the story, just another tasty layer on top of everything. Kyle, buddy, my eternal gratitude. Your reading is exquisite.

As to the story, to quote myself:

Making plans, surviving on your wits, doing what you have to do…except plans never survive contact, now do they? The best laid zombie apocalypse plans would most likely fall apart before things even began (I’m forced to admit, even mine).

But what happens if your plan is *totally* wrong? Like, your plan might be great for surviving zombies, but what if when the apocalypse comes it ends up not being zombies at all?

Maybe it turns out you don’t know as much as you thought you did.

Go give it a listen; I am very proud of this story!