::Leaving the hospital with Alex::
Lady: “So, how many months [0ld] is he?”

Did I mention he’s big?

Ollie, examining diaper changes very closely: “I just need to check and make sure he’s still a boy.”
Me: “Oh buddy, he can’t change. Once he’s a boy, he’s a boy.”
Ollie: “Well…what if a ninja-witch came and changed him?”

Well, what if?

Ollie: “Why didn’t god not make ‘shutup’ a word? Then you wouldn’t have to stop talking, ever.”

Never stop talking, in other words, Ollie’s paradise.

Ollie: “Probably <Alex> was just a little shy, and he liked the angels so much, that’s why he took a little bit extra to come out.”

Sara: “That’s not really funny.”
Evie: “I didn’t think it was funny, either.”
Me: “Well, you have to be a dad to really enjoy all the funniest jokes.”
Ollie: “Well, I kind of thought it was funny, because I’m going to be a dad.”

Me: “You don’t have any long underwear that fits you anymore.”
Ollie: “Yeah, now my long underwear turned into just-right underwear, and my regular underwear turned into kinda-small underwear.”

::sitting quietly around the table::
Oliver: “I’m wearing double underwear!”

Ron: “You’ve only got 5 more days that you have to be good.”
Ollie, in a wail: “But the day after Christmas, Santa’s already watching for next year!”

Evie, singing: “…this land is made for you and me!”
Ollie: “…and everybody else!”
Sara: “Well, there’s our little Socialist.”

Ollie: “What if you threw a pokeball up at God, and trapped God in a pokeball?”

More of a spiritualist, then, I guess.

“Oliver, if you don’t get in here right now and take care of these, I’m calling Santa!”

That’s right, I went there.

As soon as I said it, I was kind of cursing myself for not saying “email Santa” – I certainly could have gotten away with that one – but what’s done is done.

A few minutes later, I heard Ollie in the other room talking to Sara. “What’s Santa’s phone number?” he asked, innocently. Without missing a beat, Sara said, “Well, I think it is 1-800-NORTH-POLE, but I’m not sure.” “Oh,” said Ollie, glumly realizing my story checked out.

Parenting high five!

Ollie: “At school, all of the kids have an elf on the shelf. It watches them and tells Santa when they’re naughty. Please don’t get an elf on the shelf! Santa can’t watch everyone all the time, but if you have an elf at your house, it can.”
Ollie, on further reflection: “…but when I have kids, THEN I’ll get an elf on the shelf.”

Ollie: “I’m going to be a Pirate-Dancer-King-Maiden. Can you tie this on for me?”

Me: “You have glitter on your forehead.”
Evelyn: “I put it there.”
Evelyn: “There was glitter on the floor and I put my face in it.”

Ollie, running in: “I am really good at hearing interesting things in the other room!”

Ollie, after bedtime, screaming in terror: “Mommy! Mommy! There’s a shadow forming over me! Daddy come quick before I get hurt!”

 Children say terrifying things.