Quote Monday and the United States of America

One United States of America is the biggest unit of measure that Ollie can imagine. If something is enormously huge it is, “Bigger than the whole United States of America”. The line we’re standing in is, “the longest line in the whole United States of America.” And, of course, if he doesn’t get what he wants, Sara and I are the, “meanest parents in the whole United States of America!”

Ollie: “If you wanted to draw everything in the United States of America, first you’d have to SEE everything in the United States of America.”
Ollie: “…aaand you’d need a really big piece of paper.”

Ollie: “I want to eat everything in the whole United States of America! Except olives. And tamales.”

He’s got to draw the line somewhere.

Me: “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier.”
Evie: “That’s okay, I’m used to it.”

Meanest parents in the whole United States of America.

We’re #1! We’re #1!

Grant My Powder Be Dry and My Aim Be True

As previously mentioned, my story “Grant My Powder Be Dry and My Aim Be True” is now available for purchase for Kindle as part of “Anthology I: A Collection of 8 Science Fiction & Fantasy Short Stories“.

Check it out, drop a review on Amazon, leave a comment. Still not convinced? Read a sample of my story below!

GRANT MY POWDER BE DRY AND MY AIM BE TRUE

By Shane Halbach

The man opened his eyes, blinking up at tall, green pines stretching up in a circle around him. He sat up and looked around. He was sitting in the middle of a blackened bowl, the sides sloping up away from him on all sides. The light was fading, and the forest was completely still. No animal sounds broke the silence.

The man could remember nothing before that moment. Had he been at the center of an explosion? Had he fallen from the sky and made the crater himself?

He did not see anything that he might have owned. No clothes were scattered around him, no horse waited to explain how he had gotten there. No weapons were at hand for his protection, and no equipment or evidence of artifice could explain an explosion. He did not appear to be hurt; in fact, he felt strong and whole.

He stood and carefully picked his way out of the crater. The sloping earth was warm and pleasant against his bare feet, and forest sounds gradually returned as he climbed. When he was out, the man stopped and looked around the small clearing. Whatever had occurred had damaged many of the trees, their broken branches aromatic with pinesap.

The man had no reason to walk in one direction over another, but he knew he was not content to stay still. He turned until the direction felt right and started off, ducking under branches and stepping over logs. Sap clung to his feet, covering the pads with a coating of pine needles.

Perhaps he could find a stream to follow to a village. If people were nearby, they may recognize him and explain what he had been doing in the forest.

For about a mile, he wandered in whichever direction he felt like going. By then darkness had well and truly fallen, allowing him to see the glow of a campfire directly ahead.

He approached with no stealth, walking into a small clearing. Branches had wedged between trees on one side, accumulating moss and leaves to make a wind break. Someone had erected a small tent next to this, and a fire burned cheerfully despite the fact that no one was there to tend it.

The man walked to the tent, thinking to check if anyone was inside. As he paused to listen for breathing, someone stepped behind him, wrapping one arm around his bare chest and holding a short sword to his throat with the other. His assailant was shorter than he was, but the sword extended their reach. The blade felt cool against his neck.

“Why in Skel’s good graces don’t you have any clothes on?” she asked amiably.
The man looked down at himself, as much as he was able with a sword pressed to his throat.

“I don’t know.”

“If you think it makes you look less threatening, you’re wrong. It makes you look crazy, and crazy is always threatening.”

She released him, but took two quick steps sideways, holding her sword ready.
“I’m not crazy, just forgetful.”

She laughed once in disbelief. “You’re telling me you forgot your clothes?”

“I forgot a lot more than that.”

She continued to circle around until she had put the fire between them. He finally got a good look at her.

She was quite a bit shorter than him, with clear brown eyes the color of polished wood. Her chestnut hair was scandalously short, not even touching her shoulders. She wore light armor, with a leather breastplate over red padding and small bracers and greaves on her arms and legs. She wrinkled her brow as she looked at him, trying to decide what to think.

“Aren’t you cold?” she finally asked.

He shrugged. “Not really.”

“What are you doing out here?”

“I was hoping you could tell me.”

She ignored that.

“What’s your name?”

“I don’t remember that either.”

Her wrinkled brow pulled down lower as confusion gave way to anger, but she went to her tent and returned with a man’s shirt and breeches, tossing them to him. They were hopelessly small.

“That’s all I’ve got, and it’s a lot better than nothing.”

The man tugged on the pants and pulled the shirt over his head. The pants fastened easily and the sleeves extended all the way to his wrists. She looked from his face towering over her to the bottom of his pant legs, just brushing the forest floor.

“You must be smaller than you look,” she mumbled, puzzled.

***

(Like to know more? Check it out!)

Snowman Recovery

You may recall me mentioning back in February that the kids and I had made a snowman, and it was promptly destroyed, with the hat and scarf stolen.

Well, I am happy to report that, a little over one month later, the missing items have been recovered!

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No longer a missing person

We were walking back from somewhere when we decided to go down the alley for no reason. It turns out the scarf and hat had been thrown carelessly not very far from where we had built the snowman, but we couldn’t see them until the snow melted. A quick wash and they’re more or less as good as new.

I’m still greatly annoyed at whoever decided they needed to destroy a kid’s snowman for no reason, but we’re all *very* happy to have all the pieces of the “snowman kit” back again (with the exception of the corncob pipe). The real question is, can we risk using them again next year?

What a crummy world where you have to question the wisdom of making a snowman. :-/

Scavenger

Due to general business, I’m very late in posting this. However, we recently took a (very) quick drive to Rochester, NY to visit Sara’s brother Ben (and his fiancée Jen!).

The kids also happened to have a role in Uncle Ben’s new short, “Scavenger“.

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The kids were so excited to do this. They both did a really good job. When the camera came on, Evie went ramrod straight, and delivered her line exactly consistently, take after take. She is just a very *precise* girl, and I knew she would do an excellent job.

I wasn’t so sure about Ollie, but he did a great job too. On the very first take, Ollie was feeling a little silly with all the crew standing around watching him. He’s such a class clown. He walked over to the camera and said, “HI UNCLE BEN!” Everybody cracked up, which made him feel a little embarrassed. After that, though, he got down to business.

Even when I thought he wasn’t paying attention, he would hit his line exactly on cue every time. Both kids practiced so hard, and I think it showed. I know some of the crew had not worked with children before; I think they were spoiled by this first experience! Don’t expect to have such good actors next time!

10835471_458222037669172_6026533827250990056_oIt takes a lot of people to shoot a movie, even a small one. It’s sort of funny how specific the jobs are, like “the guy who pushes the camera dolly” and “the girl who listens for ambient noise”. It was fun to be in the room and watch. Can I just say again how great the kids did?

The hardest part of the weekend was the drive. We had originally planned this because the kids had off on Friday, but Evie had practice for an opera she was going to be in, so we couldn’t leave until late. Like, 5 p.m. late, and it’s a 9 1/2 hour drive. We got there very, very early in the morning, and it was very, very difficult to stay awake. Then we had to get up early the next morning to shoot! Which is all the more reason it was impressive the kids did so well. It did make for a rather quick trip: drive, shoot all day, eat breakfast, and then drive home. (We did sneak in a trip to Dogtown!)

We are all really looking forward to seeing the movie when it’s finished, especially the kids!