Ollie: “A car is passing us on the right.”
Me: “No, that’s on the left.”
Ollie: “No, because you read right to left.”
Me: “No, you read left to right.”
Ollie: “I’ve been doing it wrong.”

::Me, hiding under the covers::
Me: “How’d you find me?”
Evelyn: “Well, I saw something sticking out, but I didn’t know if it was your bald head or your bare butt.”

Evelyn: “…and she was singing Christmas songs. Wait, what was she singing? Sweet Child O’ Mine?”

You know you’ve raised your child right when they think Christmas carols were written by Guns N’ Roses.

::We saw two ducks swimming in the lake::
Ollie: “Evelyn is like that duck, and I’m like this one.”
Me: “Why’s that?”
Ollie: “Because this one just has to follow wherever that one wants to go.”