zombies

Now here’s a company who knows how to market!

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Most makers of pole barns probably target farmers, or other country types. Only a few go out of their way to cater to special niche markets. CB Structure is one of those few, with this article: the comprehensive plan for surviving the zombie apocalypse from your pole barn.

The article covers all the most important design decisions: what type of hinges can best withstand the cold strong hands of the undead? Which type of siding makes it easier to hose off the guts? How big should my barn doors be to admit my modified jeep/zombie destruction mobile? What kind of square footage should I be looking at to store all the necessary food-stuffs?

In fact, the article even goes so far as to help you plan your pole bar for a time when the zombie horde has been defeated, and life can go back to normal. What better way than a zombie survival museum?

It’s called thinking ahead people!

Look, I have no idea if their pole barns are any better than anybody else’s pole barns. But at least I know that they are serious businessmen with serious consideration of serious issues. Would somebody please order one of these pole barns so that I know where to go in case of emergency??

Search Term Roundup

/ Shane / 3 Comments

“things that start with the letter a” – I’m guessing that returned a lot of search results.

“harry potter wands for sale cheap” – It’s like, I want to do magic, but I’m on a budget, you know?

“heat seeking balloons” – Oh god, pull up! It’s right on your tail! Evasive maneuvers! It looks like a heat seeking…balloon?

“when it rains it pours zombie?” – When it rains, it pours….zombies? Paratrooping zombies falling from the skies? The horror.

“80’s – ohh ohh ohh ohhhhhhhhhh ohhhhh” – This one makes me laugh, both in the futility of the search, but also because I have been reduced to performing similar searches before. (specifically “Ber ner ner ner, ber ner ner ner, ber ner ner NER ner ner ner”)

“funny zombie birthday quotes” – That’s…very specific. Funny zombie quotes are hard enough to come by, but to only limit them to birthday quotes…

“bigbutt wemon” – This is actually the only way I find my own site.

“bacon worshipping religion” – Yes please.

“potluck flowchart” – Is there bacon wrapped weenies? Yes -> take 10, No -> be sad

“facebook for people without kids” – I guess I didn’t realize it was specific for people with kids?

“jet ski urban crime” – Awesome idea, however, not a lot of urban places are accessible by jet ski. Chicago just might be one of them, though…

“is it bad if people hero worship you” – As a person who is most likely hero worshiped practically nonstop (I assume), I am definitely the right person to answer this question. Seriously though, who asks this question and how do they fit their enormous head through the door?

Technology: our advantage over the undead

/ Shane / 6 Comments

They might have unflagging strength and endurance as well as overwhelming numbers, but what they do not have is reliable Internet access.

Jump on the zombie survival map at Map of the Dead, and get your location in Google maps highlighted with nearby zombie survival necessities, such as gun stores, outdoor stores, grocery stores, hardware stores,  hospitals and pharmacies, and other areas of interest such as harbors, police stations and liquor stores. Oh yeah, cemeteries are clearly marked as well.

Looking at the map, I realize I’m totally screwed. First off, I live in a food desert, so there’s not going to be much to scavenge. There isn’t much retail, and no stores that would be of use to me. I do live close to a hospital and a harbor, but those things are about equidistant from me, with an enormous cemetery in the third direction.

Doesn’t look good folks.

Anybody have a particularly good or particularly bad location?

Google Search Term Rollup

/ Shane / Leave a comment

“random things nobody would ever think of” – Good luck with that search.

“swashbuckling chicken” – I just…I…wow.

“so i stopped the apocalypse” – …and now I’m looking for something else to do.

“things that are going well in schools” – Aw, this made me so sad! I just imagine some depressed parent looking for just one example they could point to that something was going well in our schools these days…and only able to find my blog.

“rocket propelled banana” – Not sure what it has to do with me, but I’m in!

“advantage of pseudopods” – Plastic surgery has gotten so crazy these days. People are actually weighing the merits of attaching pseudopods?

“von trapp dog training” – So long, farewell, arf wienerdog, goodnight.

“just simple drawings of different types of puppets” – That’s all I’m looking for. Is that so much to ask, Internet?

“zombie narwhals” – This one captured my imagination. I googled it myself and found a surprising number of hits! There’s a wealth of information about this topic. I never knew narwhals were such staunch zombie fighters! And the possibility that all their zombie fighting might inevitably lead to a few zombie narwhals has come up a time or two before. Absolutely fascinating.

“zombies vs jedi” – I’m sorry, but this wouldn’t be much of a fight. I don’t know how I’ve never considered a lightsaber as a zombie fighting weapon before, but I’d be hard pressed to imagine anything better for slaying zombies!

“The first snowfall of the winter of a boys 18th year means he must take his first step towards manhood.” – This was actually a spam comment, but it is definitely the strangest one I have ever received!

The Mobile Zombie Safehouse

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You know, the first step in a lot of zombie apocalypse plans is to find some kind of safe place to hole up. Usually you take something that is moderately safe to begin with, like your house or the corner store, and then fortify it in some way. However, most people will tell you that mobility is your best ally, which tends to conflict with the first part. But some outside-the-box thinkers are selling the best of both worlds: I give you the mobile zombie safehouse:

Click for Larger

Big enough for two (probably not very comfortably, but this is the zombie apocalypse we’re talking about here), and yet you can carry it on your back. I love the picture at the end, which implies 1) that the “reflective camouflage” is so good that a person can’t easily spot those things without an app, 2) that cell phone towers are still functioning, and 3) there are so many people with mobile zombie safehouses, that they’re literally sprinkled all over this field (which seems to be pretty zombie-free to begin with). Oh well, if their marketing saves even one person from being eaten by a zombie, that’s a job well done!

Link via Nathan.