Search Term Roundup

“if the zombie apocalypse comes it will be hard pretending not to be excited” – RIGHT??

“genital guillotine” – No. Just…no.

“quotations on jock itch” – Nothing says inspirational quote like jock itch.

“ewok weight training” – As in, weight training programs for ewoks, or tossing those little buggers like medicine balls?

“wisconsin camping babes” – Clearly looking for a family reunion wrap-up.

“chemotherapy jokes knock knock” – Knock, knock. Who’s there? Chemotherapy. Chemotherapy who? Cancer is not funny.

“gorilla,bacon, peanut butter and mustaches” – Possibly the new tagline of my blog.

“chainsaw licking” – Not a sport for the weak of heart.

“how to get crumbs out of teeth” – So you can master google, but not toothbrushing?

“tickling nala’s footpaws” – I swear that had to be Evie googling that

“moustache tied to train tracks” – Now that’s a hilarious prank!

“fort wayne ww2 hitler” – I think the connections are pretty obvious when you think about it.

“volcano pirate birthday party” – YES! Not sure what the connection is between volcanoes and pirates, but sign me up.

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Search Term Rollup

“sharktopus colouring in pages” – Like, for kids to color? We’re still talking about this thing, right? That’s what you want your kids to be coloring?

“are zombies allergic to pee circles” – Well? Are they? Because that sure could simplify my zombie apocalypse plans quite a bit…

“what if a praying mantis sees himself in a mirror” – Indeed. What if.

“pipe manners meth” – You know, I’d hate to be impolite when I’m SMOKING METH.

“animated gifs allergic reaction” – An animated gif of an allergic reaction, or a person who is allergic to animated gifs?

“stomp on my glasses please” – WHAAA?

“bowling mustache” – Isn’t that redundant? Is there any other kind of mustache?

“president riding a dinosaur” – Yes please! You show me a president riding on a dinosaur, and I show you my vote, no questions asked.

“how to make baby stuffed quilts” – I’d go for wool myself, but I suppose babies would work too.

“how to draw the green bay packers logo” – IT’S THE LETTER G

“why u-shaped toilet seat pee on floor” – I know, right?

“negative points of putting sandhood and milk on face” – Because, I see the positives of rubbing sand (hood?) and milk on your face, but I just can’t see what the negatives are?

Search Term Roundup

“things that start with the letter a” – I’m guessing that returned a lot of search results.

“harry potter wands for sale cheap” – It’s like, I want to do magic, but I’m on a budget, you know?

“heat seeking balloons” – Oh god, pull up! It’s right on your tail! Evasive maneuvers! It looks like a heat seeking…balloon?

“when it rains it pours zombie?” – When it rains, it pours….zombies? Paratrooping zombies falling from the skies? The horror.

“80’s – ohh ohh ohh ohhhhhhhhhh ohhhhh” – This one makes me laugh, both in the futility of the search, but also because I have been reduced to performing similar searches before. (specifically “Ber ner ner ner, ber ner ner ner, ber ner ner NER ner ner ner”)

“funny zombie birthday quotes” – That’s…very specific. Funny zombie quotes are hard enough to come by, but to only limit them to birthday quotes…

“bigbutt wemon” – This is actually the only way I find my own site.

“bacon worshipping religion” – Yes please.

“potluck flowchart” – Is there bacon wrapped weenies? Yes -> take 10, No -> be sad

“facebook for people without kids” – I guess I didn’t realize it was specific for people with kids?

“jet ski urban crime” – Awesome idea, however, not a lot of urban places are accessible by jet ski. Chicago just might be one of them, though…

“is it bad if people hero worship you” – As a person who is most likely hero worshiped practically nonstop (I assume), I am definitely the right person to answer this question. Seriously though, who asks this question and how do they fit their enormous head through the door?

Search Term Roundup

Here we have yet another search term roundup, in which I ruminate about the strangest Google search terms that have lead weary Internet wanderers to my doorstep.

“Skeletor frozen in ice” – We can only hope that Heman was also frozen in ice, to be thawed to combat the future menace, a la Demolition Man.

“awesome” – I don’t know what they thought they would find googling this term, but I’m glad my website came up in the search! I’d like to think it was the first result.

“the awesomest guy ever” – Two hits on this! Two! Thank you for the recognition Google! 🙂

“is this thing on dating website” – I’m not exactly an eligible bachelor, but maybe we could set something up for single commenters? Do I have any single commenters?

“stuffed animal bacon” – The hard part is cooking it long enough to make it crispy. However, I have to admit, Oliver does have a stuffed animal bacon.

“black and asian couples” – Boy, Sara and I to a “T”, I tell you.

“word for “things were better in the old days”” – Is there such a word? If so, I’d like to know it.

“where’s oliver?” – Must be getting desperate if you’re resorting to Google searches. Well, you found him!

“famous black man” – I’m so happy to think that someone searching for famous black men, instead found Sean Connery. Or, maybe it was Sara googling to find the name “Sean Connery”, and she succeeded.

“big sticky wad” – What do you suppose they were looking for? Why do you think they found me?

“hp lovecraft dinner party” – I hope they came to my website looking for my contact information for an invitation, because that sounds awesome!

“t-rex lick people” – I don’t believe that is historically accurate.

“kale chips jokes” – That’s pretty specific. I wracked my brain trying to come up with a kale chips joke to put here, and I think it’s just not possible.

“funny threats” – I’m going to kill you with a rubber chicken! Drown you in seltzer water! Slap you in the face with a poison cream pie!

“i-like-it-salty shane” – That’s right baby. I like it salty. (I really can’t deny, I do like salty things. Salty things.)

I never knew YouTube was so creepy

The other day, I went down a dark and scary road on YouTube.

It started innocuously enough. Someone found my blog by searching for “the dancing gnome scary”, which struck me as odd and/or hilarious. So I did my own search and found this video.

Now, this video is probably very offensive to little people. There is absolutely no reason why this person is scary. He’s just little, with some difficulty walking and dressing himself. However, the way the video is set up and the way the video is filmed, is a little creepy. I think we have been trained to believe that anything filmed with that grainy night vision is automatically creepy.

In any event, the related videos on the side of that led me down a whole cadre of frightening videos. I just couldn’t stop clicking on them. Ghost sightings, unnamed mutant creatures, demons, aliens. There’s a lot of creepy stuff out there! It can be hard to find it, because there’s also a lot of people goofing around and making silly things, but there’s plenty to see if you look.

So turn off the lights, sit back, and enjoy:

Google Search Term Rollup

“random things nobody would ever think of” – Good luck with that search.

“swashbuckling chicken” – I just…I…wow.

“so i stopped the apocalypse” – …and now I’m looking for something else to do.

“things that are going well in schools” – Aw, this made me so sad! I just imagine some depressed parent looking for just one example they could point to that something was going well in our schools these days…and only able to find my blog.

“rocket propelled banana” – Not sure what it has to do with me, but I’m in!

“advantage of pseudopods” – Plastic surgery has gotten so crazy these days. People are actually weighing the merits of attaching pseudopods?

“von trapp dog training” – So long, farewell, arf wienerdog, goodnight.

“just simple drawings of different types of puppets” – That’s all I’m looking for. Is that so much to ask, Internet?

“zombie narwhals” – This one captured my imagination. I googled it myself and found a surprising number of hits! There’s a wealth of information about this topic. I never knew narwhals were such staunch zombie fighters! And the possibility that all their zombie fighting might inevitably lead to a few zombie narwhals has come up a time or two before. Absolutely fascinating.

“zombies vs jedi” – I’m sorry, but this wouldn’t be much of a fight. I don’t know how I’ve never considered a lightsaber as a zombie fighting weapon before, but I’d be hard pressed to imagine anything better for slaying zombies!

“The first snowfall of the winter of a boys 18th year means he must take his first step towards manhood.” – This was actually a spam comment, but it is definitely the strangest one I have ever received!

Google Searches V

Since my friend Dan mentioned it on his blog, I decided it was time for another round of strange Google searches. These are things that people searched for that somehow landed them on my blog.
  • “funny things to say at a bachelor party” – That’s pretty lame my friend. Make up your own jokes. And I have to assume this is the same guy who later searched for, “sayings for bachelor paintball” and maybe even “sweet to say on monday quotes”. Dude, you’re trying too hard!
  • “that noise robert downey jr makes in sherlock holmes” – What in god’s name does that mean? Did he make a noise in that movie? If so, what else is there to know about it? This one really baffled me.
  • “zombie wizard of oz” and “wizard of oz zombie art” – Both are topics found on my blog, but not usually in conjunction with each other.
  • “congratulations you are alive” – Thank you?
  • “creeper stare” – ::sigh::, I guess that’s me.
  • “antonym of sleepwalk” – Uh…is the opposite of sleepwalking just sleeping? Or did they mean walking around while not sleeping?
  • “awful face” – Aw, really? And they found me? Geez. Good thing someone else searched for “heaven fantasy picture” to balance it out.
  • “why geeks shouldn’t have children” – Ouch. I guess I’m the poster child for this? That one cuts deep.
  • “flannel sheets dry skin” – Ugh, god! Most horrible search term ever! ::shudders:: Why would you be looking for that? I’m looking to *avoid* that!
  • “zombies and skylights” – I don’t know what this one could be, but it sounds like a bad combination to me, hombre.