Sometimes I think it must suck to be a girl, because you’ll never be able to carve up a floating piece of toilet paper with a laser pee stream, or sand blast something icky off the side of the toilet and shepherd it down the drain with a urine fire hose. And also you have to be paid less and don’t get to be CEO.
But honestly? I think you’re missing out on more with the urine thing.
In honor of the things that I used to eat that now disgust me, I thought it would be appropriate to list some of the things that I used to eat that I don’t anymore, but I still wish that I did. There are reasons I don’t eat these things anymore (as will soon become apparent…they are far too dangerous), but I’m not necessarily morally opposed to them the way I am the things on the other list. Still, when I was thinking of things to put on this list, it was surprising how some of the things I thought of really could have gone on the other list (such as honorable mentions Poptarts and Lofthouse Cookies…both so delicious, and yet both so artificial). Anyway, on with the list.
5) Chocolate covered almonds from Trader Joes
Oh man, you want to talk about addicting? I just could not stop eating these things. Unfortunately, they come in a giant container, so you almost have no choice but to keep eating them until you puke in a pillow case (or so I’m told). They’re deceptively simple: almonds covered in chocolate. How good could they be? A little too good, if you know what I mean.
4) A bag of sour cream and onion chips
I am a salty snacker. If you put a bag of chips in front of me, it’s going to be gone, end of story. When I lived by myself, it was not at all strange for me to eat an entire bag of chips in a sitting, and call that a meal. At first I was always begging Sara, who is not a salty snacker, to buy chips at the store. I just didn’t see how you could go into a store and not come out with a bag or three. Looking back on it, I guess I was a little crazed, but I think I’m more or less recovered now, other than the occasional setback with a bag of tortilla chips. But even then, I’m not eating the *whole* *bag* anymore.
3) Pappy’s grilled cheese sandwiches
Pappy’s Sweet Shop is a fixture in the basement of the Student Union at Purdue. Several times a week, I would order the grilled cheese basket, plus an extra grilled cheese. Oh, how I miss those days. I think the thing that puts Pappy’s grilled cheeses over the top, was an amazing invention that I have not seen elsewhere: the butter wheel. Basically, there is a tub of butter with a wheel half-submerged in it. Before throwing the sandwich on the grill, they would slap the bread against the wheel and turn it. This instantly and efficiently coated one side of the bread with butter for grilling, without taking unneeded time and bread-rippage of actually using butter and a knife. I smell a Nobel Prize caliber invention here, people.
2) The Pepperjack Bacon Stack from Champps
Champps is a great place to watch football, and if you’re watching football you want the biggest, most ridiculous, over the top meal there is to gorge on. The Pepperjack Bacon Stack is that meal. It’s the kind of thing that, when they bring it out, people are looking over from other tables to see what’s going on. And don’t forget the waffle fries with extra pepperjack dipping sauce! You can also add a Mile High Ice Cream Pie while you’re at it, which would kill you. It would kill you because to eat anything after eating a Pepperjack Bacon Stack would be ridiculous to begin with, but it would also kill you because it would fall on you. If I remember correctly, it is literally a mile high.
1) Maggiano’s family style
Ah, here it is, the granddaddy of them all. The legendary family style dinner from Maggiano’s. There was a time when I went to Maggiano’s so often, that I had the menu memorized. I had tried every item on the family style menu, and I didn’t mess around ordering the lemon cookies, or anything like that. I came to get it done. I would plan my trip days in advance, including what to eat to expand my stomach in preparation, what to not eat the night before, what to wear, etc. We even famously used to tell them up front, “Just bring the salads out in a to go box.” Those were the days, my friends, those were the days.
There are all sorts of things that I used to eat that, when I look back on them now, disgust me. I’m really not sure how I managed to eat them.
10) Frozen Pizza
It’s not that I’m so disgusted by frozen pizza, but now I know how relatively simple it is to make real pizza with real dough and real toppings which are actually made out of food. These things are so thin, that you have no choice but to eat a whole one in a sitting. It’s more akin to the cardboard it comes in, than actual pizza. Probably the worst part about them is that you always scald your face off because you’re too impatient to wait for the steaming hot tomato-magma to cool before gobbling it down. Or maybe that’s just me.
9) A Fast Food Burger
If there’s anything the last 10 years has taught us, it’s that the more you know about fast food, the less appealing it becomes. I used to think that going on a big trip was an excuse to get some yummy fast food. One time when I was on a business trip, I thought, “Man, I’m going to stop and get a fast food burger for dinner tonight! It’s been so long since I’ve had one.” The rest of the trip was about the worst trip I’ve ever taken in my life. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt sicker.
8) Boxed Macaroni and Cheese
I used to absolutely love this stuff, but cheese from a powder? Seriously? When I was a kid, I actually preferred the “deluxe” version which had cheese from a little can, but it wasn’t any less artificial. And don’t even get me started on Velveeta shells and cheese. I didn’t even like that back when I was actually eating boxed mac & cheese.
7) Instant Potatoes
I used to eat a bag of these and call it dinner. These actually taste pretty authentic. My dad once swore he could tell the difference while he blithely ate instant mashed potatoes. But does anything seem more artificial than those little potato flakes floating in hot water? A bowl of mashed potatoes in under 5 minutes? I think deep down, we all know something that easy to make is just too unnatural. At least real mashed potatoes are relatively time consuming, so you do gain on the efficiency standpoint.
6) Wonder Bread
Since I mostly only eat homemade, all wheat bread these days, white sandwich bread seems pretty unappealing in general. But I remember the Wonder Bread of my youth being particularly unappealing. It was so thin and doughy, it *always* got pasted to the roof of my mouth. I remember we used to rip off chunks of it and make it into cubes before eating. Disgusting.
5) Fruity Pebbles
The first part of the name is a bit of a misnomer, since I’m pretty sure no part of a real fruit ever touched the ingredients list here. I still like a touch of sweetness on my cereal, but come on! These things were so artificial and sugary, my teeth hurts just looking at the box. It should have been obvious that they weren’t good for you just by looking at what they did to the milk that was left in the bowl. Mom, how did you let these things in our house?
4) Suddenly Salad
Okay, we’re starting to notice a trend here. Things that sacrifice nutritional common sense in the name of convenience turn out to be bad ideas. I think what puts Suddenly Salad a cut above the rest, however, is the way that it was supposed to be fancy. I’m pretty sure I took this as a dish to pass at least once in college. That’s right, I passed off dried noodles and a seasoning packet plus a little hot water as if I had actually put some effort into making a pasta salad. It’s not that a seasoning packet makes you bad, but it at least makes you suspect, that’s all I’m saying.
3) Lean Cuisine
The thing that is particularly heinous about Lean Cuisine is that, even when I was eating one of these a day, every day, I didn’t like them. I would have to psych myself up to eat some of them, but even in the best case scenario, they were gross, cold in the center, and some of the side items were amazingly unappealing. Not only did I force myself to eat them, but I actually convinced myself it was a good idea.
2) Lean Pockets
Because, you know, regular Hot Pockets are bad for you. Too fattening. Everything I said about Lean Cuisines apply here. I’m not sure one of them is better than the other, but at least Lean Cuisine has the decency to make their food-type item look like an actual food-type item. Hot Pockets actually invented a new kind of food. However, I do concede that the little microwave “crisping sleeve” is a miracle of modern science.
1) Bowl Appetit
To be fair, I should have known by the name. Nobody ever had their appetite improved by looking (or smelling) one of these things. Of all of the “convenience items” on this list, this is by far the most unappealing, and yet, in college I used to gobble these things like it was my job. “But they’re so convenient,” my 20 year old self would argue, to which my 32 year old self would reply, “But you don’t having anything to do!”
Evie: “Is this the right foot?”
Me: “No, it’s the left foot.”
Evie: “But is this the right shoe?”
Me: “Well, I hope not, because you’re putting it on your left foot.”
Evie, getting exasperated: “But is this the right foot for this shoe?”
Me: “No, it’s your left foot for your left shoe.”
Evie, sternly: “Daddy! I get the joke!”
Evie: “I think kale chips are the most delightful things in the world. Except, when I grow up, I’m going to keep putting salt on until I put on bags and bags of salt. And then when all the bags are empty, I’m going to eat them.”
::me laughing::
Evie: “Was that a quote?”
Me: “Yes, I think it was.”
Evie: “Do you need to write it down when we get home.”
Me: “Yes.”
Evie: “Oh geez.”
Evie: “If they didn’t have dishwashers, how did they wash dishes? They just licked everything clean, right?”
I don’t remember where this link came from, but there’s nothing I like better than watching myself dance for hours and hours…
Enjoy mine or make your own.
Shane Halbach 