My So Called Life

To my mother-in-law, on her birthday

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Today isn’t my mother-in-law’s birthday, but here’s the poem I wrote for her when it was:

Some birthdays are bigger than others, and this is one such year.
When these milestones arrive, you should enjoy them with extra cheer.

Forget the rules, eat what you want, take cake and eat a bunch.
Don’t listen to your idiot friends, try not to drink too much.

Embrace your birthday, live it up, and all the days between,
because it is your special day, now that you’re sixteen.

What’s that? What did you say? You’re sixty not sixteen?
Wow, you’re like…waaaay older than you seem.

You’d better sit down, this advice might be a little harder to hear,
and anyway, at your age, your legs might give out I fear.

DO I NEED TO SPEAK LOUDER? Is your hearing okay?
I want to make sure you can understand what I’m about to say.

That advice I gave was terrible, please listen to your friends.
They might not have that long to live before they meet their ends.

Maybe put some cake back, how much do you really need?
I think prunes and fiber are more your body’s speed.

I hope that this is good advice, I hope you find it useful.
When I say don’t drink too much, I’m talking Metamucil.

It’s not all bad news though, being elderly,
because of all the wisdom gained in your long history.

Us younger folk depend on your advice to get us through,
and value all the different things that we’ve been taught by you.

You help us live a better life by sharing hardships, joys, and fears
accumulated through your many, many, MANY years.

Half-Marathoner

/ Shane / 3 Comments

Over the weekend, Sara completed her first half marathon.

In the past six weeks, Sara completed three increasingly hard races, going from a 5k, to a 10 mile, and now to a half marathon. Even though a 10 mile is basically just as impressive, I think there is something especially psychologically satisfying about a half marathon.

One difference about this race, however, was that it was coooooold. It was about 26 degrees at the start of the race, and it felt like it, even with wool socks and long underwear. I saw a guy with literal icicles hanging off the bill of his hat, where the sweat had dripped down and frozen. At one point Ollie was staring at his gloves and said to me, “Why are my hands so cold??”

The good news is that we didn’t have to stand around in one place too long. The course was such that we were able to leapfrog Sara and meet her at about seven different locations (not counting the time I hollered “Let’s go Sara!” out the window as we drove by in the car). We would cheer for her as she passed, then hop in the car and drive to another location further along. This worked out perfectly, because it gave us something to do, and we were able to warm up in the car in between stops. And we ended up making it to more places than we planned on, so I think we were able to surprise her a few times.

Do you notice that she’s always smiling in every running picture? Like she’s out for a nice afternoon jog, rather than finishing 13.1 miles?

It ended up being a great day despite the cold, and everybody kept up their good mood (more or less). Sara finished in 2:36, and was only a little sore the next day.

I’m very proud of her. She started running as a hobby, but half marathons are serious business. I think Sara would be the first to tell you that she never would have imagined she’d be crossing the finish line in a big race. And certainly running a half marathon is something I could never do (or a quarter marathon, or even an eighth of a marathon).

So congratulations Sara! Your cheering section is ready for your next race!

OMG you guys, my roommates are the WORST

/ Shane / Leave a comment

You would not even *believe* these people!

They make huge messes and never help to clean up, they eat my food (sometimes right off my plate!), they never chip in for anything, and you would not believe how disgusting they are when they eat. They get up really early and make lots of noise, and one time when I had a friend over, they ran through the house naked.

They just need to grow up. Seriously.

My wedding ring is once again in my possession

/ Shane / 1 Comment

Remember just over a year ago, when I lost my wedding ring? Well, it seems kind of crazy to say, but yesterday my ring was found and returned to me.

The last time I saw my ring, it had fallen off my hand while I was pulling out last year’s tomato plants in the garden. The next day, when I noticed my ring was gone, it occurred to me that perhaps I had lost it in the garden. Specifically, I wondered about the compost pile, since I had been throwing in said tomato plants. So I scoured the entire garden several times (as I did every place I had been) but I never found it.

Yesterday, however, the “keeper of the compost” decided to uproot some of the plants growing in the cinder blocks around the compost bin. He pulled up a plant and uncovered a ring. He quickly defeated an inhuman monster in a riddle contest deep underground, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Just kidding about that last part, what he actually did was have the garden administrators send out a mass email asking if anybody had lost a wedding ring. Sara got to it first and responded immediately with a couple of pointed questions, including the inscription (only visible when heated in a fire of course). It turned out to be my ring (wouldn’t it have been weird if someone else’s wedding ring had been found in the garden?), and since the ring bearer works nearby, Sara had it in her hands a few hours later.

I know there are better stories out there. I mean, its not like I found it in the belly of a fish I caught 20 years later or something. But I had given up all hope of finding my ring so long ago, that this just really came out of the blue and felt like a miracle. I think even the guy who found the ring was surprised at how quickly he was able to find and return it to its rightful owner.

I’m not even sure what I’m going to do with it. Should I re-size it and wear it again, or should I keep it in a safe place and continue to wear my replacement ring? Or should I simply walk into Mordor and throw it in the Crack of Doom?

Decisions, decisions.

Search Term Rollup

/ Shane / 2 Comments

“sharktopus colouring in pages” – Like, for kids to color? We’re still talking about this thing, right? That’s what you want your kids to be coloring?

“are zombies allergic to pee circles” – Well? Are they? Because that sure could simplify my zombie apocalypse plans quite a bit…

“what if a praying mantis sees himself in a mirror” – Indeed. What if.

“pipe manners meth” – You know, I’d hate to be impolite when I’m SMOKING METH.

“animated gifs allergic reaction” – An animated gif of an allergic reaction, or a person who is allergic to animated gifs?

“stomp on my glasses please” – WHAAA?

“bowling mustache” – Isn’t that redundant? Is there any other kind of mustache?

“president riding a dinosaur” – Yes please! You show me a president riding on a dinosaur, and I show you my vote, no questions asked.

“how to make baby stuffed quilts” – I’d go for wool myself, but I suppose babies would work too.

“how to draw the green bay packers logo” – IT’S THE LETTER G

“why u-shaped toilet seat pee on floor” – I know, right?

“negative points of putting sandhood and milk on face” – Because, I see the positives of rubbing sand (hood?) and milk on your face, but I just can’t see what the negatives are?