Spam Goes Legit

Remember spam? All those sketchy advertisements for escort services and viagra that would clog up your inbox with their general ickiness until spam filters started getting smart enough to block them? Have you taken the time to look at your spam folder lately?

Once the mode of communication strictly reserved for Nigerian princes, spam seems to have transformed into general advertising. I don’t think that spammers are getting better, I think that regular companies are just getting slummier.

A quick look through my spam folder reveals emails from insurance giant AIG, ads for window replacement, Christian Singles (really Christian Singles? Spam?), LASIK eye surgery, and a whole bevy of stock tips. Spam, not just for tool enlargement anymore!

At this point it feels pretty normal to see friends liking the Facebook page for Windex, or for Subway Sandwiches to show up as a sponsored search result from Google. Practically every webpage you go to has ads. WordPress runs ads right here on my very own blog!! (As should be obvious, that revenue goes to them, not me.) Companies exploit your friendships and gather information on you in ways that would make the NSA blush. They have made themselves as intrusive as possible.

Why WOULD they restrain themselves from sending you direct emails? That’s actually less creepy than a lot of other forms of advertising.

What Zombies Tell us about Society’s Fears

This post originally appeared on the Zombie Preparedness Initiative website.

We know zombie’s, right? Zombies vary from depiction to depiction, but overall we know a few things about them:

  1. They are the animated dead (or at least near enough that it makes no difference)
  2. They are single minded in their desires
  3. Their primary drive is to eat (or at least kill) non-zombie humans
  4. Zombies are created by some virus, either mutated from an existing, natural virus or else created by someone (most likely the military and/or mad scientists)
  5. Because of this, their bite (and possibly blood) will cause a person to turn into a zombie

Straightforward, right? Wrong.

The description above is a completely modern idea of zombies. Remember that a mere 10 years ago, the concept of zombies moving quickly was groundbreaking. Previously, zombies shambled around with their arms out, and at the time, that was scary enough. It turns out that zombies are the ultimate chameleons, changing to reflect whatever society as a whole currently fears.

Magic

Originally, zombies were created by magic or a curse, most often via Haitian voodoo. One such example of an early zombie movie is White Zombie (1932).

Voodoo zombies always have a controller or a master, and therefore most likely symbolize a fear of the loss of free will. Therefore, it should not be a surprise that these types of zombies were particularly prominent through the 1930’s and mid-1940’s, around the time of WWII. A world in which a charismatic leader could rouse unthinking masses to destroy life as we know it was entirely too real, the fear close to the surface.

One interesting thing to note about these original zombie movies is that zombies could not make other zombies; they could only be created by a zombie master. It’s interesting to think that the original idea of zombies didn’t include this core tenet of modern zombie movies.

Of course, magic or curse zombies have never really disappeared from the zombie movie genre. Although they have changed a bit over the years to stay current, it seems that these types of zombies are the most commonly reoccurring, appearing periodically through all the other time frames. I think that loss of free will is something that continues to be scary, particularly here in the hyper-individualist United States, where so many of these movies are created.

Some more recent examples include the classic Zombi II (1979), and more recently Dead Snow (2009) which brings nicely full circle back to WWII, with Nazi zombies.

Radiation

WWII culminated spectacularly with the nuclear bomb, giving all of humanity something new to be terrified of. Nuclear power fascinated us for many, many years (think of all the Godzilla movies from the ’50’s through the ’70’s).

This is  particularly interesting in this context, because radiation was the first to provide some other cause for zombies. So this is really the first time where we see someone starting to deviate from the “classic” voodoo zombie-myth, and it corresponds to the introduction of this new, scary thing that would dominate the cultural zeitgeist for years to come.

A perfect example is the classic Night of the Living Dead (1968), where the suspected cause of zombie creation was radioactive contamination from space probe from venus. Nuclear energy essentially was the new magic, because it was suddenly making so many things possible, but also had tremendously bad side effects. To my modern understanding of science, it makes absolutely no sense that “radiation from venus” could somehow turn people into zombies, but that’s kind of the point: as we learned more it became less plausible, less scary, and our zombie stories turned to other explanations.

Comets

During the 1980’s, there was a huge explosion in both the horror genre in general, as well as specifically apocalypse movies (see the three Mad Max movies between 1979 and 1985). Zombie movies, being the intersection of those two things, were no exception.

This explosion in interest in the imminent destruction of the world happens to coincide with the Cold War, when once again the imminent destruction of the world seemed a little too close for comfort. Just as with the previous two zombie movie categories, things are always a little more scary when they’re easily and realistically imagined.

However, easily the strangest explanation for the creation of zombies is the passing of a nearby comet. However, that was precisely the plot of Night of the Comet (1984). This would seem like a one-off oddity, but don’t forget about OTHER comet movies, such as Maximum Overdrive (1986). All of this focus on comets might seem weird, but consider the fact that in 1986, Halley’s comet was approaching Earth for the first time in 76 years. Even if people knew better, they were a little excited (and perhaps a little scared) about what this would bring.

Genetic Engineering

The early aughts brought us a much more modern fear with Resident Evil (2002). Between the first genome sequencing in 2000 and the stem cell ban lifted in 2001, genetic engineering was weighing heavy on our collective mind. The world was obviously ripe for a new kind of zombie.

Maybe it is because my wife works in genetics, but to me genetic engineering is some scary stuff. So I was actually quite surprised not to find more genetic engineering-related zombie movies. It just seems like it fits all of the patterns to what makes a good zombie.

Therefore, I have to assume that there would have been more of these types of zombie movies, except this fear was quickly outstripped by a new panic: infection.

In fact, even the Resident Evil franchise is more of an infection zombie, since, despite being developed in a genetic research facility, the zombies are created by the T-virus, and it can be passed via normal infection pathways, such as bites and scratches. Obviously that makes no sense from a genetic point of view.

Infection

Directly on the heels of Resident Evil came the SARS outbreak from 2002 to 2003, released almost simultaneously with 28 Days Later (2002). I don’t know if that was a coincidence, but I’m sure it didn’t hurt their box office. Once again we had a zombie movie echoing the very real fears of the time. The speed and deadliness of the SARS virus was eerily similar to the spread of the Rage virus, and therefore the extrapolation to the end of the world as we knew it was very easy to buy into.

To me, 28 Days Later really kicked off a new era of zombie movies. In addition to updating the genre to a relevant issue, viral infection, they also brought modern special effects and film making techniques to bear, as well as instituted “fast zombies” for the first time. Modern zombies were fast and aggressive, while still maintaining the “implacable horde” aspects of previous incarnations.

The Dawn of the Dead remake (2004) is interesting for the fact that it is a remake of an earlier movie, yet the cause of zombification is completely different than the original. If nothing else proves my theory, the fact that “updating” this movie including moving from radiation to viral infection is at least a point in my favor.

The new Dawn of the Dead codified a lot of what we now think of as zombies, to the point that a modern film maker would probably have trouble deviating much from the “rules” as they currently exist.

A viral infection feels “right” to me. It seems to make sense, or to offer as logical of an explanation as we can currently conceive of. But then again, I would say that, wouldn’t I? other people during other time periods would most likely have said the same about whatever the zombie explanation du jour was in their time (even comets and space radiation!)

Perhaps this would have been the end of the “infection age” of zombies, except along came the Swine Flu (H1N1) outbreak in 2009. As long as infection remains society’s number 1 fear, then it will remain the most popular method of zombification. And thus it continues, right up until present day, including “new classics” such as Walking Dead (2010) and World War Z (2013).

Sure there are deviations now and then (Zombieland (2009) even played to our fear of mad cow disease), but once again this almost proves the rule: zombie movies are quick to jump on that which frightens us most.

So what is the next big trend?

I don’t know, that’s a good question. If I knew the answer to that, I would be out pitching movie scripts, not researching old ones. My gut tells me infection is here to stay for some time yet. Most of the major trends had a good 20 year run, so I think we have some time yet before this one is played out. After that? Who knows. Perhaps a genetic’s scare will bring that back into prominence? A pollution catastrophe? Dark matter?

Regardless of the answer, we can rest assured that zombie movies will be right there to play on our fears and help us make sense of this crazy, crazy world.

I must have accidentally angered the forest gods

We have just not been able to make it up to The Haven this year. We knew there weren’t a lot of opportunities to go, but it seems like every time we have a chance, something just seems to come up. And of course, the one time we did make it up was an unmitigated disaster. I’m starting to suspect supernatural influence.

We were all set to go up and meet my sister on Saturday morning. Giant pile of camping gear in the living room, house cleaned, kids excited, the whole nine. Sara and I had stayed up late getting everything ready, so we had only just fallen asleep when suddenly the bedroom door banged open.

There stood one very panicked 5 year old, clutching her throat, unable to breath.

As with any emergency in the middle of the night, my body was operating well ahead of my brain. Right away I knew what was the matter, but for some reason I just could not communicate this to Sara. My sister had terrible asthma as a kid, and waking up in the night unable to breath was, unfortunately, not an uncommon occurrence for her. This just snapped me back there right away. So finally Sara was able to piece together my incoherent panic-babbling (something about shouting “Rachael!” and forcing Evie to lock eyes with me and slow her breathing), and grab Evie’s inhaler.

Poor Evie was a wreck, coughing and crying, which was only making it worse. Luckily for us, our daughter is so amazingly mature for her age, and she managed to understand what I was saying to her, think through the situation, and calm down enough to get it a little under control. We got a couple of breathing treatments in her, and though her breathing still sounded like a freight train, she was so exhausted that she wanted to go back to sleep.

We put her in bed with Sara, but I was too agitated to go back to sleep. It really pains me to think that I cursed my daughter with asthma. So I was alternately pacing around in the hallway, listening to her wheeze through the closed bedroom door, and looking up “What to do when asthma attacks!” websites, when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I went back into the bedroom.

“Do you think she’s okay? Is there something else we should be doing?”
“I don’t know, should we give her another dose of the inhaler?”

Even with the extra dosage from the inhaler she just didn’t seem to be getting any better, but she didn’t seem to be getting any worse either, so I went out again. I think that was about the time that she threw up all over herself. This poor girl, she was really trying to hold it together, and we were trying to help her hold it together, because we knew if she didn’t stay calm it could get bad again really quick.

Ultimately, we opted to take her to the emergency room. Sara took her and I stayed home with Ollie. “Start kicking the seat if you can’t breath,” she told Evie. You never really know if you’re doing the right thing, going to the emergency room. Am I overreacting? Well, apparently not, based on the alarm generated by Evie’s entrance and speed at which they got to work on her. So I guess we did the right thing after all.

It turns out that Evie had croup, so it wasn’t even asthma related (which explains why the inhaler wasn’t helping). However, that croup is no joke, and it can be fatal. It was pretty scary for us, so I can only imagine how scary it was for Evie; waking up and being unable to breath, having no idea what is going on or how to stop it. And then, despite all of that, to have the wherewithal (as a 5 year old!) to be able to calm down and work through it.

Anyway, this is just a long way to say we didn’t exactly make it up to go camping the next morning. Sara and Evie were at the ER until about 4:30 in the morning, and we certainly didn’t want to risk a recurrence when we were out in the woods somewhere.

Evie was pretty much okay, other than she didn’t really want to go to sleep Saturday night in case it happened again (and who could blame her on that score?). Her other big concern was that she completely lost her voice in all of this, and of course she had an audition for a part in The Little Mermaid yesterday. Fortunately, her voice was more or less back, and she performed her audition piece successfully.

I’m sure they get their share of precocious little girls, but man-oh-man would I have loved to see their faces when Evie performed. I admit to being a little biased, but I think she might have blown a couple of people’s hair back when she really opened up. Anyway, as should be no surprise if you’ve watched that video, she will be playing the role of Ursula, the Sea Witch.

Maybe she can use her Sea Witch powers to commune with the Haven spirits and figure out what I did to offend them so badly that they’ll stop at nothing to keep us away…

Quote Monday shakes things up

Sara: “I’ve got an e coli covered knife with your name on it.”

Evie: “If I had to pick a best night, I would pick [the night that I spent 4 1/2 hours at the emergency room because I couldn’t breath], because most nights I just lie there sleeping.”
Sara: “Yeah, well…I guess that did shake things up a little bit.”

Me: “Ollie, I don’t think mama said, ‘poo poo snackies’.”

Ollie: “I have a looong booty.”

That boy does have a long booty. It is impossible to buy shorts or pants that can actually cover his plumber’s crack.

Are things worse than they ever were?

Do you ever feel like the world is going to hell in a handbasket? Doesn’t it always seem like we’re on the brink of just slipping into the abyss? Between politics and corporations, Twitter and ADHD, shootings, crime rates, loose morals, and constant media bombardment, this is the low point of humanity, right? I seriously can’t tell if things are worse than they’ve ever been, or maybe if I’m just older and only now realizing how bad it’s always been.

Then along came this comic from xkcd, which absolutely floored me. He’s pulled out quotes from the late 1800s to early 1900s that could have easily been from today. It’s absolutely eerie; the quotes are expressing things like fear that all the advanced and rapid communication would rot the brain, society was on the brink of total disaster and things were better in the “good old days”, the art of conversation was lost, the pace of invention was destroying the world, even that the sanctity of marriage was in danger because of society’s loose morals (in the hovertext). You could directly apply those quotes in the modern day by only changing a word or two.

I find this oddly comforting.  It makes me feel a little better when things are awful and miserable to know that things have *always* been awful and miserable. After all, all those people worrying 200 years ago were wrong; so doesn’t it stand to reason that worrying about the exact same things today is most likely just as wrong?

Politics in particular frequently get me down. When that happens, I just remind myself of old Charles Sumner. That’s right, there was a time in our country where a senator was actually beaten unconscious right there on the floor of the senate. Say what you want about the current state of politics, but it quite clearly has not sunk to it’s lowest possible form (you know, to say nothing of the entire Civil War).

So, no, the answer is that things are NOT worse than they ever were. They’re mostly just the same, and in some cases quite a bit better. “The sky is falling!” has been the status quo for at least 200 years, and probably will be for 200 more.