Me: “Oliver, are you okay??”
Ollie: “Yeah. It sounded like I got killed.”

Me: “If there was ever a day to wear underwear, this is the day!”

I meant long underwear, but they’re not going to let me hear the end of it.

Sara: “You have to clean your room before you can tape your brother’s hands together.”

Unfortunately, that one isn’t out of context: it was really intended the way it sounds.

Me: “Ollie, do you know how to play soccer?”
Ollie: “Yeah. I even know how to play soccer on roller skates!”