Evie: “Some people say that there are boy colors and there are girl colors. But I keep telling them they’re wrong! So for Christmas I want a black hat, a black backpack, and a Darth Vader water bottle!”

::Pinata opens up and madness ensues as kids scramble for candy::
Afterwards, Evie: “I didn’t get any erasers.”

Evie: “Everybody keeps telling me my wings are so nice. That’s because they smell like love. [Another girl]’s wings smell like plastic and chemicals.”

::Me scrolling on a web page::
Ollie: “Daddy, why are the pictures going up to heaven?”

::Evie, eating some Laffy Taffy::
Me: “Did you read the jokes first?”
Evie: “Yes. They were…not hilarious.”