A friendly neighbor, a late night rendezvous, and a Scotch egg

I would like to tell you a tale. A romance, if you will. Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Chicago where we lay our scene.

And just like Romeo and Juliet, our tale begins on Facebook…

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For the uninitiated, a Scotch egg is a treat most decadent. It’s like a heart attack wrapped in a hard-boiled egg, wrapped in sausage and breading, and deep-fried in deliciousness.

Alas, Eliza, fair maker of said delicious delicacy, lives on the 3rd floor two buildings down. And I in my pajamas did thus set out to procure the item of my desires, with naught but a scarf with which to catch the plummeting beauty.

Like Romeo, I stood under yonder balcony, but in the very process of texting, “Wherefore art thou Scotch Egg?” I perceived yon intercom crackling to life and beaconing me inside. Thus, disappointed to not actually be catching my lovely amid her three story drop, I instead mounted to the sky to meet her in all of her tinfoil-and-plastic-bag wrapped glory.

Alas, as romances often do, this story was fated to end in tragedy. Both for the Scotch egg, which met with cruel fate:

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and for me, since I will now ultimately die of a heart disease-related illness.

For never a story of more woe did beg,
Than this of Shane and his Scotch egg.

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Whither the money, Lebowski?

How many times have you asked yourself, “What if my favorite movie of all time was written by Shakespeare? How would that turn out?” Well, I guess it depends on your favorite movie. But if your favorite movie is the Big Lebowski like me, wonder no more. I give you: Two Gentlemen of Lebowski.

It is a lot of fun to find your favorite quotes and see how they translate. For example, “He pee’d on your rug Dude” becomes, “And in most miserable tide did this rogue besmirch it.”

Here are some other examples to wet your whistle:

“I am the Knave, called the Knave. Or His Knaveness, or mayhap Knaver, or mayhap El Knaverino, in the manner of the Spaniard, if brevity be not in thy soul nor wit. A Knave by any other name would abide just as well.”

[Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the two NIHILISTS, bearing a marmot]
Forsooth! This be a place
Of residence, and much a private place.—
O excellent marmot!

Post your favorites in the comments.