parenting

Oh yeah, this part is supposed to be difficult isn’t it?

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Lately Evie and Ollie have been fighting like cats and dogs. At times, it is difficult to leave them in a room together. Evie certainly has her share of the blame, but I would say the big difference seems to be Oliver.

It’s like he suddenly woke up and realized he wanted his say. He has very strong opinions on things. Everything in the house is arranged JUST THE WAY HE WANTS IT! Don’t you dare touch anything or move it or hand him the wrong thing or try to take something away. It doesn’t matter that it was on the floor and he hadn’t even looked at it twice in the past week. If you touch it (or especially if Evie touches it), there’s going to be a meltdown.

Understandably, this is sort of hard for Evie to take. First off, she’s used to doing whatever she wants, whether Oliver likes it or not. Second off, she’s often an innocent bystander, maybe picking up some abandoned crayons only to be suddenly attacked by a furious maniac. She often gets the short end of the stick when we have to take something of hers and put it away because she simply cannot play with it without Oliver being physically restrained.

Then it occurred to me: the terrible twos! Oliver is just about to turn two, and that’s how a two year old is supposed to act.

Honestly, it really hasn’t been that bad. Looking back, it seemed a lot worse when Evie was doing it. I guess it’s a lot easier to deal with now because 1) we’ve been through it before, so we’re more prepared, 2) we know it doesn’t last long, and 3) having two kids means we’re busier now than we were back then. And having an older kid helps out too, both from the fact that they do *sometimes* get along and play, and the fact that he can watch her and learn how to behave a little bit.

Still, when you combine his new attitude with the fact that he’s getting molars and waking up many, many times at night, this whole parenting thing definitely got turned up a notch.

Nu-nu-nu-nu

/ Shane / 4 Comments

There is a new nightly ritual in our house, which I am having trouble putting a name to. I’m not sure how this started exactly, but every night immediately following dinner, Evie and Ollie strip down to the buff and run around the house giggling and singing, “Nu-nu-nu-nu! Nu-nu-nu-nu!”

I’ll spare you the video. (There is video, but I’m reserving that for future blackmail opportunities. Besides, it’s not really suitable for web-sharing.)

The funny thing about it is how serious Oliver takes this activity. If Evie starts stripping down before he’s out of his chair, he really starts to panic. He starts waving his hands, pulling at his straps and shouting, “Nu-nu-nu! Nu-nu-nu!” God forbid he misses out on a single minute. And even in the middle of the day, if you say, “Nu-nu-nu-nu,” he will start running around and/or removing his clothes.

Not that Evie is much better. She’s certainly the instigator of this little ritual, cajoling him to join in in the first place. Also, she’s something of a parade leader, since Oliver usually runs in her wake, or at least in the same general direction that she’s running.

Why is this fun? They are both laughing hysterically the whole time. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb to say they look forward to it for hours before hand. But, other than the naked part, it’s really just running around, which they could do at any time. And why that song specifically? Why any song at all?

We may never know. All we can say is, don’t peek in our kitchen windows after supper. You may be scandalized.

The Miracle Cure for getting your kids to sleep

/ Shane / 2 Comments

When we last saw our heroes, they had completely given up on getting Oliver to sleep. Boy how two months can change things!

After the last post, it got worse if anything. We had him back in our room, but it was unpleasant for everyone. At night he would be tossing and turning in bed like a maniac, punching me in the face, and just generally keeping us all up all night. It didn’t help that he happened to be getting 3 molars at this time, but I remember there was even one night where he was awake for 4 hours right in the middle of the night. Brutal.

The worst part is, the 6 weeks we spent trying to get him to sleep on his own in the other room seemed to have done some permanent damage. He was very, very suspicious that we were going to leave him, so every little sound would bring him instantly to his feet, screaming. Since we would wake him up whenever we went into the room, Sara and I took to sleeping on couches in the living room every night until he woke up the first time. Putting him to sleep was a challenge as well, since he was suspiciously alert for any kind of attempt to leave the room. So turning the pages of my book would wake him up, to say nothing of actually trying to creep out, open the door, etc. My only recourse was to wait for at least an hour until he was deeply asleep before I could sneak out. This was a very frustrating hour! We got used to walking on eggshells to avoid waking him.

Now, we put him into the crib in his bedroom with Evie and he quietly goes to sleep by himself. A couple of times he’s slept through the entire night.

Believe me, being able to type that sentence is more flabbergasting to me than anyone. So what was the miracle cure? Waiting until the time is right!

It’s very clear to me now that there was nothing we could have done to make him go to sleep easily back then. This time it went so smoothly and easily, that it was clear the time was just right. Why was the time wrong before? Who knows. Maybe he just wasn’t old enough to have the skills to be able to do it. Maybe it was the molars. Maybe he was in too much of a “mommy” phase. Every kid is different, and every kid is in different situations at different times.

The first time we tried to let him “cry it out” for over an hour multiple nights, and it didn’t work. This time it took 20 minutes the first night, and that was it. The first time it went on for 6 weeks. This time it was over in a matter of days.

It still hasn’t been perfect. The first few days he was getting up at 4 a.m. But that is a different problem, and that problem we could work on (we’ve had some success in the past with this issue). He’s still waking up a time or two some nights. But again, this is vastly better than it was. And sometimes now he can even put himself back to sleep! Also, his awakenings are increasingly after 4, so I think that it is all related to him wondering when we are going to come in and get him. Hopefully the “ghost light plan” (a lamp with a book in front of it in this case) will solve this issue.

I have to say, the whole thing makes me feel so much better. You hear these stories about parents who let their children cry it out when they’re 10 months old, and it only takes 5 minutes and then they sleep blissfully through the night. I used to think that these stories weren’t true (lies, all lies I tell you!) because the alternative was that I was somehow a bad parent. Now I think they might be true after all. Your kid is ready when he’s ready. Maybe for some kids, that’s 10 months. For Oliver, it wasn’t.

So, just like all Miracle Cures, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You have to determine when the “right time” is for your child. That part has no easy answers. But the good news is you have permission to stop and wait if it’s not working. I wish we would have done that the first time, instead of trying to force it for 6 weeks.

But when it finally does work, boy is it fantastic! Sara and I feel like we have a new lease on life. The sun is brighter, flowers smell better, food tastes better. We even had two nights in a row where we played board games, since the kids were asleep early at the far end of the house. Board games!

It’s almost like I’m human again.

Simplifying Childhood for our Children

/ Shane / 2 Comments

I recently finished reading Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.

I admit this is something of a confirmation bias, since I selected a book I am predisposed to agree with, but one particular section that really resonated with me was the one that talked about simplifying a child’s environment, specifically getting rid of toys:

Is this a toy that “does” so much (this button pushes the ejector rods, this button triggers the lights, this button launches the missiles), that my child’s main involvement will be sitting there pushing buttons?

And:

By simplifying the number and complexity of our children’s toys, we give them liberty to build their own imaginary worlds. When children are not being told what to want, and what to imagine, they can learn to follow their own interests, to trust their own emerging voices. They can discover what genuinely speaks to them.

Yes. That.

I miss boredom! When I think of my childhood, I remember being bored a lot, especially on lazy summer days. This was usually followed up by the creation of some fantastic game. Now we fill kids so full of activities that they never have time to be bored, the way we were. What are they missing out on?

Toys that don’t do things can become anything, in play. When we don’t try to fill children’s minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of “imagination,” they have more freedom to forge their own, to bring their own idea into play.

So why do we do this to our kids?

Let’s say your child has a favorite stuffed elephant who sits in a place of pride on the bed when it is not being hauled about. You and your spouse and any family member who sees this human/elephant love story can be inspired to re-create it by purchasing stuffed elephant siblings, other jungle animal cousins, or stuffed “friends” of every kind.

I tell you one thing’s for sure – after reading this I definitely don’t want Evie to have the pillow pet she’s been begging for!

This book is very thought provoking. I don’t agree with everything 100% (I’m not so sure about the chapter on talking less, even if they did use Pa from Little House as the example!), but I’d say I’m there with them on at least 95%. Worth a read for any parent out there who is interested in simplifying their and their kids’ lives!

We used to be better parents

/ Shane / 2 Comments

I have recently become more and more eccentric in my parenting. The more crazy articles I read, the more things start to make sense to me. It occurs to me that things really were better, back in the good old days. As a society, we used to be better at parenting.

It wasn’t something that was necessarily done on purpose. It was more just a consequence of the way people’s lives were back then. Say what you want about today’s world, but we increasingly have more (material possessions, food, what have you), while doing less (less in the sense that I work at a desk job and don’t produce my own food or fix my own house, etc.). This is generally considered a good thing, but perhaps there are unintended consequences.

So this comes down to two major areas: choosing less, and giving your kids more work.

Choosing Less

The idea here is that you want to keep your kids busy, but not by over-scheduling them. Natural busyness, not a series of activities. I firmly believe that kids need time to do nothing. They need time with their parents, time to explore, time to play on their own, time to read and be quiet, and time to be bored, all of it structured by more routine. It means forgetting time-outs (which used to be our go to in times of crisis), less explaining and bargaining (this one is particularly hard for me), and less choices.

This article really resonates with me, and inspires me to try to be a better parent. We’re always busy, going from one trip to the next, debating music class vs. swimming lessons vs. dance classes. We schedule days and times to go to the park. We do it because we think our kids will enjoy these things, and they do! But it’s stressing me out, what’s it doing to the kids?

Giving Your Kids More Work

When I was growing up, my mom worked us hard, and I didn’t like it. But now I’m a hard worker. Coincidence?

The articles explain the why and the how. The thing is, our kids love to do play “work”, or even do real work. They love to do dishes, put their babies to bed, help unload the dishwasher, or set the table. They pretend in the play kitchen, and they always love to help cook (which is something I actually used to do more of, and haven’t been lately, shame on me). They love these things! Evie will actually cry if you set the table without her. I don’t think this is that unusual; I think kids like to pretend to do the things they see adults doing. Kids like to imitate work, and that is good for them. So why do we try to curb this natural impulse?

Well, the reason why is because it’s hard. It requires an immense amount of patience. I guess the key is to not look at it as getting things done, because you’ll just get frustrated that it’s taking too long or not being done correctly. This is where I tend to get frustrated. It’s easier just to say, “I’ll do it myself.” But when you look at the big picture, isn’t a little frustration worth it if it teaches your children life lessons?

I’m not ready to move out to a farm and live off the land just yet, but I’m getting there. I’m not totally Amish. But then again, I don’t have a texting plan, so how far off am I really?