christmas

Don’t buy me a Christmas present

/ Shane / 1 Comment

I do hearby officially declare that I am releasing you from your Christmas buying obligations when it comes to me.

When I was a kid, Christmas was all about presents. Who had the most presents, who had the biggest presents, presents for the sake of presents. I’m not a kid anymore. If you ask me what I want, I might be able to come up with a thing or two, but honestly? What’s the point?

When it comes to gifts, there are three scenarios:

  1. In the best case scenario, we both buy each other absolutely amazing gifts that we love and adore forever but never would have thought of ourselves. Amazing. We’re awesome. This practically never happens, maybe once every couple of years at the absolute most.
  2. In a more typical scenario, we both buy each other gifts that we asked for very explicitly (like, we sent the hyperlink to the Amazon page and specified a size and a color), or gift certificates. These are offsetting gifts. We both could have purchased our own gifts, been out about the same amount of money, and saved a little hassle. We might as well wrap it up for ourselves too, since it’s not like you were going to surprise me with the gift that I forced you to buy in the first place. The only people who benefit in this case are probably multi-conglomerate corporations who take our cash and use it to pillage natural resources from Santa’s North Pole home.
  3. In the worst case scenario, one or both of us buys the other something they don’t want. In this case, the gift is a complete waste and the money would have been better spent burning on the hearth as a yule log. Waste of time and hassle, waste of money, and now it’s all awkward between us. Merry Christmas.

Scenario 1 is when the stars align. When you’re in scenario 1 mode, you absolutely know it. However, it’s not very realistic to expect the stars to align all that often. 99% of the time we live in scenario 2. Scenario 3 is what happens when you are forced to buy a gift for someone but you don’t want to fall into scenario 2, so you try to force scenario 1, but deep down you kind of know it’s probably not scenario 1 and you really would have been better off going with scenario 2 anyway.

I do not want to contribute to rampant consumerism. I do not want to contribute to the stress of people trying to rush around and buy presents for everybody. At this point in my life, I really don’t get all that much enjoyment from unwrapping presents anyway. Certainly not enough enjoyment to offset all the bad things that come along with it (the stress, the exploitation of peoples and the destruction of the Earth, the frozen smiles on our faces when we both swing and miss with our presents and realize we’re in scenario 3 territory).

I should mention that homemade gifts are somewhat of an exception, since they do not (usually) contribute to consumerism. In that case, what you primarily spent was time, not money, so that’s a little different. And anyway, those gifts probable already fell into scenario 1 in any case.

I cannot stop buying presents for people who I feel obligated to buy presents for, but I can at least release you from your obligation to buy for me. So please, only buy me something if you have something really, really good (we’re talking scenario 1 here). I’d rather have a great present every 5 years without all the mediocre-to-bad presents in between clouding the memories of the good ones.

Your Christmas present to me can be not participating in commercialism-for-commercialism’s-sake on my behalf. I thank you in advance.

Bûche de Noël

/ Shane / Leave a comment

And not just any Bûche de Noël, but one with Nutella mousse filling, chocolate ganache frosting, and meringue mushrooms!

The Reason:

Bûche de Noël is a traditional French Christmas desert, also known as a “Yule Log”. It’s part of the tradition that it is supposed to look like an actual log, one that you might throw in the hearth to warm your toes on Christmas morning.

Barb made one for me last Christmas as the grand finale to my fabulous dessert-of-the-month present, and it was absolutely amazing. So she agreed to make one for us again this Christmas. It is so rich and chocolatey, it will blow your socks off. If you remember, this was the dessert that had Evie fighting a massive chocolate coma as hard as she could, just to eat one. more. delicious. bite.

The Journey:

The cake part is pretty much the same as making a pumpkin or jelly roll: bake the cake, roll it in a towel to cool it, un-roll and put the filling on like frosting, then re-roll it.

Although the cake part is the amazing part, I don’t think the mushrooms can be beaten for visual awesomeness. It really puts the whole thing over from “good dessert” to “masterpiece”.

Pipe out the caps and stems and let them dry.

Attach the stems to the caps with a little melted chocolate so it looks like that dark underside of a mushroom.

Dust on a little cocoa for the final effect! Again, remember that the tradition is to make it look like a real log. What could be more appropriate than a couple of mushrooms growing up on the side?

The Verdict:

Oooooh, to die for! It’s a lot of work, but well worth it (especially when someone else makes it!) You technically could skip the meringue mushrooms, but who would do that?? They’re probably my favorite part. They look so awesome and realistic, and they don’t taste half bad either (although it’s hardly fair to compare them to chocolate-chocolate-chocolate cake!).

The Recipe:

There are four major parts to the recipe: the cake, the filling, the frosting and the meringue mushrooms. The ingredients are listed each in their own sub-section.

Sponge Cake:

(From Betty Crocker Cookbook, circa 1973)

  • 1 cup cake flour
  • 1/4 cup cocoa
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1/4 tsp. salt
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1/3 cup water
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
  • powdered sugar for dusting
  1. Heat oven to 375⁰.
  2. Line jelly roll pan (15 1/2 x 10 1/2×1) with foil or waxed paper; grease.
  3. Stir together cake flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt; set aside.
  4. In small mixer bowl beat eggs about 5 min., until very thick and lemon colored.
  5. Pour eggs into larger bowl, gradually beat in sugar.
  6. On low, blend in water and vanilla.
  7. Gradually add dry ingredients, beat just until smooth.
  8. Pour into prepared pan, bake 12-15 min.
  9. Loosen edges; invert on towel dusted with powdered sugar.  Remove foil, roll cake and towel. Cool.

Nutella Mousse:

(combination of some Internet recipes)

  • 1/2 cup Nutella
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  1. Microwave Nutella just to soften, not warm.
  2. Beat heavy cream until peaks form, beat in Nutella.
  3. Unroll cake, spread mousse, reroll.  Place seam side down, chill.

Chocolate Ganache:

(combination of several recipes)

  • 6 oz. bittersweet or semisweet chocolate
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  1. Place chocolate in bowl.
  2. Heat cream just to scald, pour over chocolate.
  3. Let stand for 5 min.
  4. Stir until smooth. Refrigerate until cold but not solid, stirring occasionally.
  5. Whip until consistency of soft butter.
  6. Spread on chilled cake.

Meringue Mushrooms:

(don’t remember, but not Martha Stewart)

  • 1 egg white
  • 1/4 cup superfine sugar
  • 1/8 tsp. cream of tartar
  • 1/8 tsp. vanilla
  • 1/4 cup dark chocolate
  • cocoa powder to dust
  1. Bring the egg white to room temperature.
  2. Beat until soft peaks begin to form.
  3. Slowly add sugar and cream of tartar.
  4. Whip until stiff peaks form and sugar is dissolved.
  5. Add vanilla, beat briefly to mix.
  6. With round nozzle on pastry/icing bag, pipe stems, standing straight up, and caps, round blobs, on parchment paper lined baking sheet.
  7. Bake in oven at 250⁰ until dry, about 1 hr.
  8. Melt chocolate.
  9. Spread chocolate on bottom of cap, stick top of stem in center of chocolate, leave upside down to dry.
  10. Before arranging on or around cake, dust with cocoa powder.

Evie’s Watch

/ Shane / Leave a comment

You just never know with Christmas presents.

It is kind of a long story about how it came to be that my brother gave Evie a watch for Christmas, but suffice it to say that it was thrown in at the last minute just so that she would have something to put in her purse. The watch is huge. I very much doubt that it would fit around my wrist; it could probably fit around her waist. The face of the watch itself is the size of my fist. It’s probably twice the size of the face of my (adult) watch. It weighs about 5 pounds, and she can probably use it to work on her biceps.

So imagine everyone’s surprise when she saw it and acted like she just unwrapped the Hope diamond.

Oh man, she couldn’t have been more excited. “It’s a watch! A real watch!” She was running around showing it proudly to everyone. “If you need to know what time it is, just ask me!” It hasn’t been forgotten since Christmas either. Every night she takes it off and puts it in the bowl next to my bed where I put my watch, and every morning she gets it out and puts it back on.

She can’t tell time. The numbers are all Roman Numerals, so she probably couldn’t read it even if she could read a clock. The watch falls off if she hangs her arm down straight. The watch itself would be huge on an adult male, much less on a little girl (there’s a reason why Uncle Nathan decided to get rid of it). She couldn’t love it any more. It’s the best Christmas present she got (tied for the best with the paper dolls).

The thing is, if we knew she would like a watch so much, we could have gotten her one that was intended for a kid. Small, light, digital, perhaps with a couple of butterflies on the sides. But you never really know what’s going to be a hit, what is going to capture a kid’s imagination, and what is going to be a complete and utter failure.

Remember the Poems

/ Shane / Leave a comment

A little explanation for you non-family types: in my family, it is customary to write poems for Christmas. Typically we had a name exchange, and you tried to write a poem about the person whose name you drew (especially if you had some good dirt or friendly ribbing for the person in question). Not everybody wrote a poem every year, but this year we didn’t have a name exchange, so I was worried people might be without the proper motivation to write poems. Therefore, I wrote this poem:

Remember the Poems by Shane Halbach

This year we won’t participate in a family name exchange,
And so this year’s Christmas party is feeling kind of strange.

Personally, I can do without my annual gift card,
And coming up with stuff to ask for does get kind of hard.
And the name you drew is always one who didn’t write a list (Rachael),
Or asks for something you can’t find, and maybe doesn’t exist.

No, the name exchange I can live without, but there is one other thing,
Usually about this time, the poem exchange is really in full swing.
The poems, the poems, what about the poems? We can’t forget about them!
A tradition like no other family, and proud of it I am.

The poems together tell a tale and document the year,
And without the family name exchange, we risk losing that I fear.
What if nobody thought to write down all of this insanity?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Not in this family.

I’d hate to think that we’d forget to talk about the time,
That Laurie was watching Oliver, and he fell off the slide.
Or when Josh said he was engaged? It turns out he was hacked.
And who sent Rachael formula, just to see how she’d react?

Remember at the reunion when Steve and Char and Jay,
Had their tents destroyed by storms and almost blew away?
Are you sleeping Brother John, Grandma’s 85th,
Bernie’s tire falling off isn’t just a myth.

We need these poems or else there’s just too many things we’d miss.
Though some of you might be feeling now that ignorance is bliss.
It’s good to have a time of year when you can hear a poem,
And find out what we say about you when you’re not at home.

You might not know that Mike Debroux spent hours just to see,
If he could prove that Lady Gaga really was a she,
No, it’s up to us to spread the word, in case it isn’t known,
That when it comes to butter, Len prefers to bring his own.

Or take Cecilia, one might think she doth protest too much,
Since after holding protest signs, her arm’s too sore to touch.
Roger got a new job, but he must not work enough,
He’s trying to take his work home with him, but Grandma’s hygiene’s up to snuff.

And mom makes Ron use napkins more than 30 years old,
And I think that this decision was really rather bold,
Since they’re from when she married dad (it said so in the heading)
Of course Steve might not know she’s remarried, since he missed her wedding.

There’s Colleen’s lost luggage getting left out in the rain,
And cleaning Grandma’s coffee mugs leads to great financial gain.
Emily’s love of new recipes is known to Facebook viewers,
And Scott prefers his Cardinals over rooting for the Brewers.

But have you heard the one about Judy mowing in high heels?
Or Nancy almost running over Ryan’s runaway wheels?
The city of Janesville might be interested to hear what trees were chopped,
Since Lois isn’t even sure she owns the trees she dropped!

I can tell you Pat sneaks vegetables hidden into dessert,
But I need to hear a poem for Kris, I couldn’t find any dirt!
And Cecilia and Arleen aren’t even here, their virtue to defend!
Surely, someone could have written a poem ‘bout both of them!

There’s so much more that could be said, and anyone could say it,
Even without a name exchange, a poem we’d all okay it.
Between us there’s enough abuse to fill up tomes and tomes.
So please people, I ask you now: remember the poems!

Another Christmas, come and gone

/ Shane / 8 Comments

Last year, Evie participated in a (semi) amateur Christmas play at the family Christmas party. This year she was very excited to be in a “real” Christmas play. She was hoping to be an angel, and she got her wish!

The angels had a relatively small role with one line to speak, but Evie practiced and practiced her part. She did very well, and had a great time! She already has plans on what parts she wants to play next year.

Christmas here was very nice, and relatively relaxing. Santa left me a replacement wedding ring, and gave Evie a present or two, including the only thing she asked him for: a long sleeve dress (easy enough!). He also gave Ollie a new water bottle that he is very excited about (he doesn’t have to share with his sister anymore). I think Evie’s favorite present is a set of paper dolls from Florence. I never in a million years would have guessed how much she likes them. She’s pretty much talks about them non-stop and wants to show them to everybody.

Santa left a few other gifts including a set of “tiffin” stacking lunch pails that were pretty exciting:

The best part of Christmas is that it just keeps going! After the main event, we still have a week long celebration of vacation, food, and more presents. We’ve already stayed up late a couple of nights snacking and playing board games. Sara and I are particularly looking forward to the new microwave shelf for the kitchen.


 Merry Christmas!