For those of you who ever doubted the zombie menace, then I give you irrefutable proof of the danger, as performed by actual scholars. Who said Canada never contributed anything on the world stage? I believe this officially makes the University of Ottawa the world’s leading research center on zombies. And what was the brilliant conclusion of their study?

In summary, a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly. While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often.

Well, erm…yeah, I guess that was sort of obvious. But look, they used charts and equations and Matlab and stuff! Let me just give you a taste:

It follows that the characteristic equation always has a root with positive real part. Hence, the disease-free equilibrium is always unstable. Since all eigenvalues of the doomsday equilibrium are negative, it is asymptotically stable.

That’s some heavy stuff. And how can you doubt it with excellent, scholarly references like Simon Pegg, Danny Boyle and Zach Snyder?

I would like to call your attention to one other part of the paper. One of the authors is named Robert Smith?. Yes, that question mark is legally part of his name. According to his profile, he changed his name so that he would be distinguishable from the Robert Smith that is the lead singer of the Cure. Too bad though, I think I might believe this paper even more if it WERE written by the guy from the Cure, who may or may not actually be a zombie himself.