My So Called Life

NurtureShock

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Recently, Sara forced me to read NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children.

It was fascinating. Basically, each chapter tackles a commonly held myth or practice about raising kids, and then shows factually why it isn’t true. In fact, sometimes the exact opposite is true. It is Freakonomics for child raising.

There were numerous topics of interest, so I want to talk about some of them here, but I assure you that there are plenty of things I won’t discuss. So don’t let this discourage you from reading the book (in other words, there are spoilers, but everything’s not totally spoiled!)

Chapter 1: The Inverse Power of Praise

In a nutshell, the more you praise your child for their intelligence, the more they give up in the face of a challenge (Basically, I am either intelligent enough to do something, or I am not. I got this far because I was so smart, but maybe this is as far as my smarts can take me.) So instead, you should praise how hard they tried, or at least praise something specific that they did well.

When you say it like that, it is obvious; but doing it is quite another matter. It is really hard to keep from saying things like, “You’re so smart!” We mean well when we say that, but good intentions are not enough. Still, this makes sense to me and it has already changed the way I praise my children.

Excerpt – “The Inverse Power of Praise”

Chapter 2: The Lost Hour

Those kids today have all sorts of trouble: staying off my lawn, depression, ADHD, obesity, etc. But what if all of those things had one common source: kids today get an average of an hour less of sleep per day than they did thirty years ago.

Again, when it’s spelled out, it’s obvious. But I can see how it would be really easy to let certain things slide, especially when kids have so many extra-curricular activities. The research was pretty startling, including one study that showed, for every 15 minutes of missed sleep per night, the child’s score on schoolwork is effectively reduced by one letter grade. 15 minutes! Yikes! Don’t let your kids miss sleep!

Excerpt – “Snooze or Lose”

Chapter 3: Why White Parents Don’t Talk about Race

The interesting thing was that white folks didn’t talk to their kids about race, not because they were afraid to talk about race (although that might have been part of it), but because they hoped by not mentioning race at all, they would teach their kids not to notice race. So, like so many things in the book, their intentions are good. But, by not talking about it, they were just leaving their kids to come up with their own conclusions (usually not good ones).

Another interesting thing was that students in multi-cultural schools are actually less likely to have a friend of a different race. Who would have ever guessed that? It seems so counter-intuitive. But having many different races ends up just splintering the kids into groups, based on race. In other words, kids don’t start out as a blank slate, they start out as racist (or, they start out as people who see similarities and differences).

This chapter gave me a LOT to think about!

Excerpt – Even Babies Discriminate

Chapter 4: Why Kids Lie

I think AskMoxie summarized it best (see below for links to her other posts on NurtureShock)

Essentially, we’re all liars, and we’re raising liars because we don’t understand how they see our interactions, and because we reward them for telling us what we want to hear.

Some other interesting things to me were that parents can’t tell when their kids are lying, even though they think they can, and that kids think saying something wrong is the same as lying (this is something I can actually remember from when I was a kid, that other (younger) kids would say, “So and so lied!” and I remember thinking, “There is a difference between lying and being wrong”)

The hard part as a parent is to remember to penalize lying about being naughty as much as the actual act of being naughty. Say the kid colored on the wall and then lied about it; the usual response is that the kid gets in trouble for coloring on the wall. We might say, “And don’t lie either!” but the punishment is greater for the act than for lying. So that sends the message that lying isn’t really all that bad. Actually remembering to do this is harder than it seems.

The stuff about the “boy who cried wolf” story not working as a deterrent to lying was very interesting as well. I had already tried using that story on Evie!

Excerpt – Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?

Chapter 5: The Search for Intelligent Life in Kindergarten

This one wasn’t too crazy. Basically, schools are testing for “gifted” kids earlier and earlier, but it turns out that those tests basically give no indication whatsoever about the child’s future intelligence. They miss as many as 70% of the kids who actually turn out to be gifted. And, in most programs, once you’re in, you’re in: kids who turn out not to be gifted don’t get dropped, and kids who turn out to be gifted later on don’t get added.

No surprise to me here, although it does fly in the face of almost every gifted and talented program or school curriculum. I imagine it also comes as quite a shock to a lot of parents who were proud of their “gifted” child.

Excerpt – Early Testing in New York City Schools Called Faulty

Chapter 6: The Sibling Effect

This chapter wasn’t as interesting to me either. Basically, some kids fight, some kids get along. Children treat their brothers and sisters worse than they treat their friends.

The one thing that surprised me was that children with siblings are no better at getting along with other children than children without siblings. It turns out seeing relationships (like those of their parents) are more important than their own relationships (like those with their siblings).

Excerpt – Play Time for Siblings Matters More than When They Fight

Chapter 7: The Science of Teen Rebellion

I thought this chapter was amazing. Obviously I haven’t dealt with the teenage stuff yet, but it wasn’t so long ago that I can’t remember being one myself. And basically, this chapter demonstrates that there are biological reasons why teenagers are the way they are (rebellious, bored, reckless, grumpy, etc.)

There were far more interesting things than I will mention here, but one interesting thing was that the objection to parental authority peaks towards the beginning of the teenage years (14 or so) rather than at the end, like you would assume.

Another interesting thing was that, while fighting with their teenagers stresses out a parent, to the teenager it is the exact opposite. Teens who fight with their parents are happier, healthier, and lie to their parents less. Basically, arguing is a sign of respect, because otherwise they would just lie and it would be much easier for them.

Basically, the chapter refutes the “lets be friends” theory of parenting. The parents with more rules were lied to less. The parents who tried to be more permissive with their kids did not get any more information about what the kids were actually up to.

Very interesting chapter, but it made me a little frightened of being a parent through those teenage years!

Excerpt – Why Counting Blessings is so hard for teenagers

Chapter 8:  Can Self-Control be Taught?

Another very interesting chapter. Basically it showed that programs to teach kids things, such as D.A.R.E., are more or less ineffective (at least for at-risk kids). However, there was one particular education system that was extremely effective at taking at-risk kids and turning them into model students. The reason this program was effective was that it actually exercised the self-control sections of the brain which ultimately provided skills for kids to do better (be less distracted / more focused, etc.)

This confirmed my belief about play based preschools, that kids brains are designed to learn by playing, not be being “instructed”. Kids early in their development need to be handled differently than, say, college students.

This chapter was jammed full of interesting examples at how kids can be taught more effectively, even at home.

Excerpt – How Long Does Your Child Play With Their Favorite Toy?

Chapter 9: Plays Well with Others

This one started with a real shocker: kids who watched violent tv shows were slightly more aggressive than those who didn’t. However, the kids who watched educational tv shows were way, way more relationally aggressive (verbal abuse, controlling behavior, being bossy, etc.). So educational shows were actually worse for kids than violent tv shows!

This was attributed to the fact that, in order to teach kids a lesson, the educational shows spend the vast majority of an episode establishing a conflict, which is resolved in the last few minutes. Kids learn equally from all aspects of the show, which means they are exposed to a lot more bad behavior than conflict resolution. Especially if their attention wanes and they don’t even make it to the lesson at the end!

This applies to a lot of books I’ve read with Evie as well. Sometimes I’m reading a book and I think, “Why are you putting this idea into kids heads!” Sure, at the end of the book they talk about why it was wrong, but I can’t help but think, “But I wouldn’t have needed to teach her that lesson, because she never would have thought to do that before reading this book!”

Another interesting point was that children need to see the resolution of a conflict. So if the parents are fighting, they might take the fight into their bedroom to “protect” the kids. In reality, the best thing they could do is let the kids see how the conflict was resolved. That allows the kids to see healthy conflict resolution and model their own skills accordingly. Certainly something to think about!

Chapter 10: Why Hannah Talks and Alyssa Doesn’t

The first part of the chapter talks about the popular Baby Einstein DVDs, and why they don’t work. There was a big to do about this not too long ago, so it wasn’t news to me. However, it was interesting to see why they don’t work.

I guess the overall thrust of the chapter was that talking to your baby isn’t as important as listening to your baby. It’s not about how many words your baby hears, it’s more about giving them feedback for their efforts and letting them direct the learning. This makes a lot of sense to me, because in my observation since having kids, parents don’t really listen or understand what their kids are really trying to tell them. They tend to assume the kid is a tiny version of an adult and they try to understand them or relate to them on that level.

In fact, that might be the overall message of the book: young kids are not just tiny adults. They have special needs, modes of learning, brain chemistry, etc. So, just because something seems logical, doesn’t mean it is actually effective. It *would be* effective if kids worked like adults. But they don’t. So they need their own ways of doing things.

Whew!

Let me assure you that, despite the length of this post, there are waaay more things in that book than I’ve talked about here. If you have kids or deal with kids on a regular basis, I would strongly recommend this book.

Over on AskMoxie, they’re doing a sort of book club thing with NurtureShock, with really good discussion of a new chapter every Friday. So far, you can see Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

There are also posts on the topic on Babylicious.

The Big Trip, Part III – The Rest of the Story

/ Shane / 2 Comments

Finally, vacation was at an end, and it was time to go home. It was going to be a pretty long trip, so we decided to stop and go to a u-pick fruit place and get some raspberries.

The whole thing was sort of a disaster, from start to finish. It was really, really hot and the kids were tired and in a bad mood. We were there later in the day and the raspberries were pretty picked over, so it was tough to get many berries. Eventually, Sara took Evie over to pick peaches and I just tried to amass as many raspberries as I possibly could in a short time. We ended up getting a decent amount of raspberries, some peaches, and a big bucket of cherries, pre-picked and pre-pitted.

Later that night, after we were home and the kids were in bed, Sara and I made a big batch of raspberry freezer jam. Our strawberry freezer jam was quite delicious, so we have high hopes for the raspberry variety. It was actually quite simple to do.

This was followed the next night by a big batch of (sort of) cherry pie filling, with the fresh cherries. Our previous canning experience had been very successful and had left us with a lot of confidence and a lot of canning supplies. This time was no different, everything went smashingly. So we’re looking forward to our next canning experience as well as the delicious cherry deserts in our future.

In terms of what I was up to while the family was gone, it wasn’t all fun and games. Usually when something like this happens, I get excited thinking about all the free time I’m going to have. By the time it gets here, I have a big list of things to do, and I end up being busier than I usually am. So I said to myself, “I’m going to get all of this stuff done early in the week, so I can relax at the end of the week. The problem was, Sara called and updated the list midweek!

Sara: “I thought of some other things you could add to the list!”
Me: “I wasn’t really looking for more things…”
Sara: “I know, but it’s just stuff that we never have time to do.”
Me: “You know what else I never have time to do? Relax!”

The exciting thing about not having Sara there is eating all the things I don’t normally get to eat. In this case, that meant venison burgers and ham and noodles. Ham and noodles is one of my all time favorite meals, and is simply fried ham with slightly crunchy fried noodles. It was so good, I ate it twice.

There were two stories that I didn’t manage to fit anywhere else in these blog posts, so I am including them here:

  1. After I dropped the family off in Michigan and was driving back to Chicago, I ran into one of the worst rain storms I’ve ever seen in my life. I couldn’t see anything except the tail lights in front of me. That was all fine and well until about 5 cars in front of me simultaneously pulled over to the side of the road. After that I couldn’t see anything at all, so I pulled over as well. It was raining so hard (just rain, no wind) that even parked I couldn’t see out of my windshield. After sitting for 20 minutes or so, I decided to keep going. Just to occupy myself, I started counting the number of cars pulled over on the side of the road, waiting it out. I passed 52 cars! I can only imagine how many were pulled over at the height of the storm. Basically, the entire highway was shut down.
  2. When I was loading the car, I put the suitcases in the trunk and then went back for another load, leaving the trunk open. When I came back, I discovered that a bird had pooped into the trunk and onto the suitcases. Thanks a lot, universe.

The Big Trip, Part II – 4th of July, Now with More Daddy!

/ Shane / 3 Comments

Finally, I came up to meet everyone in Michigan on Friday. I didn’t arrive until after Evie was in bed, so I think she was a little surprised to see me sleeping next to her when she woke up in the morning! (Even though she was told I would be there)

We were staying with Sara’s cousins and Evie had a blast there. By the end Evie was begging to “stay here forever and ever” and even offered to stay there without us. She particularly liked playing with 2nd cousins Kaycee and later Randi (and all of their old toys).

The one part she didn’t like about the whole thing was their dogs. It was kind of funny because they were three tiny long haired dachshunds, much, much smaller than Evie. Even still, she did NOT like them licking her or really being around her at all. She demanded to be picked up and carried any time they came close to her at all. She would say things to them which really cracked me up like, “calm down boys, shhh! shhh!” She also described one of the dogs as “sitting solemnly”. Anyway, this isn’t a Mouth of Babes post, so I won’t get side tracked.

Some of the other highlights:

  • Watching the Little Mermaid – She loves all of the songs, but as soon as the movie started she got very nervous about seeing the sea witch. She started yelling, “Turn it off! Turn it off!” and then eventually just ran away screaming, “I’m going upstairs!” So we ended up just watching a few scenes to see the songs. She did like that though, at one point she said with wonder, “I’m hearing it with my ears and I’m seeing it with my eyes!”
  • Going swimming, and cooking hot dogs and smores – she was quite the daredevil in the pool; she kept asking me to let go of her so she could swim by herself.
  • Playing in the tree house with Kaycee and making Bean Pudding – There was real, actual food in there to play with. Evie was a little confused if we were just playing, or if we were really going to eat the food. Bean Pudding is mostly cold, uncooked beans, crushed up chicken-in-a-biscuit crackers, cut up apples, and a lot of seasoning including lemon zest, pepper, and Louisiana hot sauce.
  • Laying in a hammock for the first time

For the 4th of July, we went to Sara’s Aunt and Uncle’s house, which is on a lake. It was a really hot day, but there was a breeze and it wasn’t too bad in the shade. Good food, family, swimming, boat rides (we didn’t do any tubing)…basically, everything the 4th of July is for!

Once again Evie was very adventurous with the swimming. My favorite part of the whole week was seeing her jump in the water from the dock. (She was wearing a life jacket) When she was standing on the edge, I think my heart was pounding faster than hers! Ultimately she cried and didn’t like it much, because the water went in her ears. I’m sure this was quite a surprise, because on the 3 or 4 practice jumps, Uncle Ben held her and her head didn’t go under.

I think her favorite part was the boat rides. Orlan even let her drive! She liked sitting in the very front of the boat, where it goes up out of the water, with the wind blowing her hair.

She also enjoyed playing with her 2nd cousins Justin and Trevor. I was very impressed that they seemed to enjoy her company. I figured a couple of boys their age wouldn’t want to hang out with a “baby” but they actually seemed to enjoy playing with her (this was mostly the next day at Lisa and Orlan’s, though they did interact a little bit at the lake).

Oliver again enjoyed the great outdoors. He was somehow the only one not to get a little “color” from the sun. He enjoyed rocking in the porch swing and laying on a blanket looking up at the trees. He was a little young for the boat and we didn’t take him swimming. I think pretty much everybody got a chance to hold him.

Unfortunately, the kids had to be in bed pretty early, so we didn’t catch any fireworks or anything. Maybe someday. I’m hopeful, because I really like fireworks!

So, it was a great trip, a great 4th, and a great vacation overall. Evie had a lot of fun. She will be talking about it for a long, long time.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!

The Big Trip, Part I – No Daddies Allowed

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Last week Sara and the kids tooled around Michigan while I stayed home for work. Normally when we go to Michigan, we mostly just visit with people. This time they kept pretty busy with all sorts of things going on. So here’s a sampling of some of the stuff they did:

  • Went to see the West Michigan Whitecaps play baseball. Well, that’s what they tried to do at least, but mostly it just rained. Attending the game was Super Why, a character from one of Evie’s favorite shows.

    Unfortunately, Super Why apparently doesn’t come out in the rain. When they finally did see him, Evie was a little frightened. He doesn’t look seven feet tall on tv.

  • Playing at the mall with mommy’s friends
  • Playing with her 2nd cousins, Kurt and Kyle
  • Going with Grandma Lois to a Lois club meeting
  • Celebrating Grandpa’s birthday and Kurt’s birthday
  • Going on a train ride (a real train, not like the ones in Chicago!)
  • Getting a hair cut
  • Riding the tractor at Linda and Juniors
  • Eating pancakes 3 times! (Evie said this was her favorite part of the week)

That was a lot packed into a week! Plus there were other things that I didn’t even mention. Evie also managed to fall out of bed two different nights, so I guess the bed rail on her bed at home is doing its job!

As for Oliver, this was the first big trip away from the house for any length of time, and the first trip to Michigan. I don’t think he really cares much one way or the other. I’d say the biggest thing for him was just spending so much time outside, which he really likes.

Stay tuned for Part II of the Big Trip!

What I’m Doing

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What I’m Reading:

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter:


There are some titles that you just can’t say no to. Kind of like Snakes on a Plane. The fact that it was written by the author of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies doesn’t hurt either.

The thing with a title like that, the title really tells you everything you need to know about the book. The gimmick works pretty well at first, when Abe was a boy, but by the time it got towards the end of his life and the Civil War, I got a little tired of it. Basically, I liked the part where I could envision Abraham Lincoln chopping off vampire heads with axes, but I didn’t like the part where Abraham Lincoln decided to abolish slavery, not because he was such an amazing man, but because he wanted to eradicate southern vampires. I also didn’t like the implication that Lincoln couldn’t have done everything he did without vampire allies. I liked the biography style with footnotes and references to historical accounts, etc.

Anyway, it was an amusing read, but not something that I would demand everybody rush out and buy.

What I’m Listening to:

I don’t know if people (in the U.S.) commonly know about Lily Allen or not. I mentioned previously how I became obsessed with Satellite by Lena. Well, in her original post on the subject, Meg happened to mention that Lena had a passing similarity to British singer Lily Allen. “Fair enough”, I thought, “if I like this Lena song so much, and if this song reminds someone of Lily Allen, it stands to reason that I would like Lily Allen.”

I LOVE Lily Allen! Such a good tip. The songs are catchy, the lyrics are interesting, and the accent is entrancing. Here is a sampling of her work:

LDN (that’s text-speak for London):

(I have already caught Evie singing, “The sun is in the sky, oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else?” which means I must have been singing it a lot.)

Smile:

You might also want to check out 22 and The Fear.

Her songs are amazing even when she is being vulgar or profane (such language young lady!)

What I’m Watching:

I have to say, Shutter Island was extremely disappointing. The previews were super, super creepy. When you throw in the fact that it is staring Leonardo DiCaprio and directed by Martin Scorsese, it seemed like it was can’t miss. I put it in the Netflix queue pretty much as soon as I saw the first preview.

Distinctly underwhelming. Despite the creepy preview, this is not a creepy movie. The preview already has all the creepiest parts, by far. Nothing much really going on here. Predictable ending. It’s not so much that it was a bad movie, and it was pretty well done, but there was just nothing at all to catch my interest.

Look, I’m big on not letting your expectations ruin a movie. Often, people will have such high expectations for a movie that a movie can never live up to the hype. So they end up hating the movie, even though it’s their own fault. They set it up to fail. I don’t feel like this was the case here. I wasn’t *so* excited to see the movie, I just thought the preview looked pretty good. I was excited to see it, but I didn’t camp outside for tickets or anything (demonstrated by the fact that I didn’t see it until it had been out for a while).

Not recommended, but I wouldn’t say to avoid it. Meh. I’m totally neutral on this one.