Get Off My Lawn!

You people should be ashamed of yourselves!

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Alright, I just heard an excerpt from 50 Shades of Gray. Seriously people! How can you go on a public place like Facebook and recommend this to your friends without being embarrassed?

It would be like if I sent you a message that everyone could see that said, “Hey, I really like this porn site, you should totally check it out! I stayed up all night surfing, I just couldn’t turn off the computer. It’s full of really degenerate stuff…you would totally like it!”

I mean, by all means read it and enjoy it, but have the common decency to be repressed and embarrassed about it. That’s the American way.

Sheesh.

Things that Annoy Me, Writing Edition

/ Shane / Leave a comment
I could have called this the “cliche” edition, because the main reason all of these things drive me nuts is because I see them over, and over, and over again. And you know, most of them come down to someone trying to be cute. Nothing annoys me faster than someone trying too hard to be cute.
  1. The fact that every writer’s bio starts with, “She’s been writing stories since she was six…” or “His first story was scribbled on a napkin at the age of four…” Yeah we get it, you like to write, always have, always will. That’s sort of proven by the fact that you’ve A) finished at least one book, and B) you’ve had the drive to persevere long enough to get it published. Among published authors, it doesn’t make you unique, it makes you normal. The whole point of putting that in there is because you think you’re some kind of phenom I guess, but based on the number of author bios I’ve seen this in, it makes you anything but. So why mention it? Everybody has the same story, doesn’t that automatically make it uninteresting? Shouldn’t authors know how to make words interesting? If you were such hot shit at age 5, why didn’t you get that first story published instead of this one?
  2. “Oh, you know, my characters did this, my characters did that…I just couldn’t control them!” I know that this is really a result of someone trying to put into words something that is hard to put into words: the fact that, once you have developed a character and a story, the words start to flow freely, because once you know everything, it all happens naturally. In addition, once you know how a character thinks and acts, you sometimes find out that events you had pre-planned no longer work. But that’s a result of your poor planning, not of your characters coming to life! That’s the natural evolution of a story: things that you thought would work out end up not working out after all. So as long as that’s what you mean when you say your character took control, I’m fine with it. Just don’t try to pretend like your characters exist outside of yourself though. It makes you sound pretentious.
  3. “My muse tells me…”, or “Oh, I never know when my muse will strike!” or “::shrug:: I guess my muse wasn’t with me that day.” Again, best case scenario, you’re just trying to use a trite phrase to indicate that writing is difficult or sometimes inconsistent. But even then, why use the word “muse”? I guess it’s supposed to seem quirky or interesting somehow? Worst case scenario, you’re using words to give yourself a built in excuse for not writing well or not succeeding. And everything I’ve ever read from pros indicates that you better teach yourself how to perform when you need to, not when your “muse is upon you”.
  4. When someone asks a writer how they wrote such an amazing story, and they answer “I just wrote a story I would want to read.” So simple isn’t it? Of course, that’s what everybody is *trying* to do, so the question is really asking, “How did you manage to accomplish that?” I can assure you, nobody who is putting pen to paper is trying to write a story that nobody would want to read.
  5. “You should be a writer!” Oh, if I had a dime for every time I heard that one. Believe me, I’m trying. If it were so easy, then I guess everybody would do it. I realize that nobody knows I’m actually trying to be a writer, but nevertheless, it does kind of trivialize the effort I’ve been putting in.

Alas, poor Lloyd, we hardly knew ye

/ Shane / 1 Comment

Unfortunately, our garden gnome Lloyd is no more.

Lloyd, in happier times

Lloyd had been with me for just under 10 years or so, given as a gift to be a companion to my gargoyle Prince (short for Prince of Darkness of course). Usually we take Lloyd in for the winter, but this year we didn’t. Perhaps he got upset at being left out in the cold, but more likely, someone decided to appropriate our humble garden gnome. And something tells me I’m not going to get a bunch of cute pictures of his travels.

Evie has noticed that he’s not in the garden, but hasn’t caught on yet that he’s gone for good. So far, I haven’t had the heart to tell her. He was certainly a positive part of the garden, and our only protection against the shark (who unfortunately did not get stolen, and still menaces our plot from his lofty plastic perch).

Lloyd, we miss you buddy, and we wish you’d come back. The garden won’t be the same without you. But if you don’t, I can only hope you’ve moved on to greener pastures.

Things That Annoy Me

/ Shane / 2 Comments
  1. “Due to unusually high call volumes, we are unable to answer your call…” ALWAYS. I think someone in the automated phone message industry needs to look up the definition for the word “unusual”. If you have the same amount of call traffic every single day, day in and day out, then it is not, by definition, unusual. It is quite definitely usual.
  2. We had a rare trip to the Olive Garden, and the take home package for our leftovers said, “Microwave and Dishwasher safe”. Okay, microwave I can understand, because somebody (who hates their body and loves the taste of BPA) is probably going to try to warm up their leftovers in that container. But dishwasher safe? Are there any godforsaken souls on this planet who are rich enough to go to Olive Garden, but poor enough to need to keep the little plastic to-go container as their permanent dishes?
  3. When you’re going on a trip and everybody says, “Oh, do you want to borrow my dvd player for in the car?” My friends, lest we forget, we didn’t have DVD players in our cars when we were kids and we somehow survived! It is physically possible to go without tv for five minutes, and it is physically possible for your kids to entertain themselves. Or not. If it comes down to it, they can be bored out of their skull just like I had to be when I was a kid riding in the car. My kids don’t watch tv at home where it actually makes sense to do so, they’re definitely not watching it in the car!
  4. Procrastinators. When you put things off to the last minute, then you *have* to do them then, under a lot of stress. If you do them sooner, you can schedule them better (i.e. when it’s not the worst possible time) and be much less stressed. And then you don’t have to worry about something unexpected cropping up (and it always crops up). It’s not even a question of laziness, because even a lazy person knows it is easier to do things at 2 p.m. on a lazy Sunday than at 2 a.m. when you’re under the gun. After the 50 millionth time this happens, how does one not learn their lesson? I learned this when I was like 8. “But I work better under a deadline,” they say. “I need that stress to get things done!” Phooey. Stop spending so much time rationalizing your bad habits and get your stuff done.
  5. Antibiotic tissues. For what? (Other than the obvious: to create drug-resistant super bacteria.) Seriously, doesn’t everybody know by now that we’re creating super bacteria with this constant onslaught of anti-bacterial stuff? And in this case, for what? To protect people who are rifling through my dirty tissues in the trash? Yuck. Those people deserve to get sick.

10 things I used to eat that disgust me

/ Shane / 6 Comments

There are all sorts of things that I used to eat that, when I look back on them now, disgust me. I’m really not sure how I managed to eat them.

10) Frozen Pizza

It’s not that I’m so disgusted by frozen pizza, but now I know how relatively simple it is to make real pizza with real dough and real toppings which are actually made out of food. These things are so thin, that you have no choice but to eat a whole one in a sitting. It’s more akin to the cardboard it comes in, than actual pizza. Probably the worst part about them is that you always scald your face off because you’re too impatient to wait for the steaming hot tomato-magma to cool before gobbling it down. Or maybe that’s just me.



9) A Fast Food Burger

If there’s anything the last 10 years has taught us, it’s that the more you know about fast food, the less appealing it becomes. I used to think that going on a big trip was an excuse to get some yummy fast food. One time when I was on a business trip, I thought, “Man, I’m going to stop and get a fast food burger for dinner tonight! It’s been so long since I’ve had one.” The rest of the trip was about the worst trip I’ve ever taken in my life. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt sicker.

8) Boxed Macaroni and Cheese

I used to absolutely love this stuff, but cheese from a powder? Seriously? When I was a kid, I actually preferred the “deluxe” version which had cheese from a little can, but it wasn’t any less artificial. And don’t even get me started on Velveeta shells and cheese. I didn’t even like that back when I was actually eating boxed mac & cheese.





7) Instant Potatoes

I used to eat a bag of these and call it dinner. These actually taste pretty authentic. My dad once swore he could tell the difference while he blithely ate instant  mashed potatoes. But does anything seem more artificial than those little potato flakes floating in hot water? A bowl of mashed potatoes in under 5 minutes? I think deep down, we all know something that easy to make is just too unnatural. At least real mashed potatoes are relatively time consuming, so you do gain on the efficiency standpoint.



6) Wonder Bread

Since I mostly only eat homemade, all wheat bread these days, white sandwich bread seems pretty unappealing in general. But I remember the Wonder Bread of my youth being particularly unappealing. It was so thin and doughy, it *always* got pasted to the roof of my mouth. I remember we used to rip off chunks of it and make it into cubes before eating. Disgusting.

5) Fruity Pebbles

The first part of the name is a bit of a misnomer, since I’m pretty sure no part of a real fruit ever touched the ingredients list here. I still like a touch of sweetness on my cereal, but come on! These things were so artificial and sugary, my teeth hurts just looking at the box. It should have been obvious that they weren’t good for you just by looking at what they did to the milk that was left in the bowl. Mom, how did you let these things in our house?




4) Suddenly Salad

Okay, we’re starting to notice a trend here. Things that sacrifice nutritional common sense in the name of convenience turn out to be bad ideas. I think what puts Suddenly Salad a cut above the rest, however, is the way that it was supposed to be fancy. I’m pretty sure I took this as a dish to pass at least once in college. That’s right, I passed off dried noodles and a seasoning packet plus a little hot water as if I had actually put some effort into making a pasta salad. It’s not that a seasoning packet makes you bad, but it at least makes you suspect, that’s all I’m saying.


3) Lean Cuisine

The thing that is particularly heinous about Lean Cuisine is that, even when I was eating one of these a day, every day, I didn’t like them. I would have to psych myself up to eat some of them, but even in the best case scenario, they were gross, cold in the center, and some of the side items were amazingly unappealing. Not only did I force myself to eat them, but I actually convinced myself it was a good idea.


2) Lean Pockets

Because, you know, regular Hot Pockets are bad for you. Too fattening. Everything I said about Lean Cuisines apply here. I’m not sure one of them is better than the other, but at least Lean Cuisine has the decency to make their food-type item look like an actual food-type item. Hot Pockets actually invented a new kind of food. However, I do concede that the little microwave “crisping sleeve” is a miracle of modern science.


1) Bowl Appetit

To be fair, I should have known by the name. Nobody ever had their appetite improved by looking (or smelling) one of these things. Of all of the “convenience items” on this list, this is by far the most unappealing, and yet, in college I used to gobble these things like it was my job. “But they’re so convenient,” my 20 year old self would argue, to which my 32 year old self would reply, “But you don’t having anything to do!”