No context provided:
Nathan: “Amanda is out of control when it comes to men’s underwear.”
Me: “Yeah, well. She’s not the boss of the bathroom.”
Nathan: “I’m going to eat all of MY number two!”
Ollie: “Aunt Rachael’s skin is the color of sausage.”
Author: Shane
Evie’s getting better at catching things; this time she almost caught rabies
We were planting at the garden over the weekend, and I ran home to get something.
::Phone ringing::
Me: “Hey.”
Sara, carelessly: “Hey. While you’re over there, could you look up the number to animal control?”
Me: “…”
Sara: “…like…if someone caught a squirrel in her butterfly box…”
Me, stupidly: “A squirrel?”
Sara: “A mostly dead squirrel.”
Evie had been across the street at the park “catching butterflies” when she came running back shouting, “Mama! I got a squirrel!”
Sure enough, there in her butterfly box was a live squirrel. I think it’s safe to classify our reaction as “surprised”. Perhaps “puzzled”? “Freaked out”? “Horrified”? I don’t know. But definitely a strong reaction, I can tell you that much. Apparently Evie had caught it in her net and somehow gotten it through the tiny little hole into the bug box.
Despite Sara’s description of a “mostly dead squirrel” this thing had plenty of spunk. When Sara managed to get it out of the box into the alley, it ran in circles, rolled around on the ground, and generally acted like insanity personified. I don’t know for sure that it had rabies, but I do know for sure that something was wrong with that thing. In fact, later I watched a feral cat take it for wounded and try to make a quick meal, but it acted so crazy that even the cat was like, “No way, I’m not eating that, I’m out of here.”
Evie was pretty sad about the whole thing. She had been so proud about catching a squirrel (AS SHE SHOULD BE), and was so disappointed we were letting it go. “Evelyn, never, never, ever catch a squirrel again!” we told her. “I never get to do anything heroic!” she sobbed. “In books they always rescue hurt animals!”
She’s got a point there, and her heart is certainly in the right place. I just wonder what she’s going to bring home next…
Quote Monday cries tears of pleasure
Ollie: “Mama, for the first time today, I cried tears of pleasure. I climbed the tree in the circle park. Even when I turned 5, I could not climb the tree, but today I was strong enough. I cried tears of pleasure when we were walking back to school because I could climb the tree.”
Ollie: “I’m going to do hip-hip-hooray with my baby.”
::Baby goes up, baby comes down, Ollie misses and the baby falls on the floor::
Me: “Oh no, your baby fell on the floor.”
Ollie: “Well, that baby’s still smiling!”
::Evie and Ollie playing with a box::
Evie: “Ollie, do you want to play poor person?”
Ollie: “Yeah, let’s play poor person.”
Evie: “Okay. I get the box, because I’m bigger.”
And that, in a nutshell, is what it’s like to be homeless.
The President’s Bunghole, and other concerns
It has come to my attention that not everybody has seen this. In keeping with being the last person on the Internet to break news, I give you this amazing audio, wherein President Lyndon B. Johnson orders a pair of pants (transcript here):
This phone call absolutely captured my imagination for several reasons:
- “And make the pockets at least an inch longer, my money, my knife, everything falls out”
If anything signifies this was a different time, it’s the fact that the President carries a knife in his pocket. A knife! You don’t fool around with a President who has a knife in his pocket. Screw the Secret Service, you let an assassin come at LBJ, boy howdy. You don’t like LBJ’s policies on Vietnam? LBJ gonna cut ya. - “these are the best I’ve had anywhere in the United States”
The man wants some pants, and these pants are great! Excepting, of course, the pockets, zipper, waistline, crotch…okay, they could use a little improvement. See, this is a man with some very exacting specifications for his pants. I mean, you don’t get to be President of the United States without a little attention to detail. - “the crotch, down where your nuts hang – is always a little too tight” “See if you can’t leave me an inch from where the zipper (burps) ends, round, under my, back to my bunghole, so I can let it out there if I need to” “because they cut me, it’s just like riding a wire fence”
So much for my dream of being the first President to talk about my bunghole in the oval office.
Where to even start. I mean, this is where it really starts going off the rails. You’ve got a sitting President casually talking about his neither regions, burping, you know, wherever the mood takes him. It’s good to be king.
I just like how it’s all so casual, you know? It’s like, man’s got some specification on his pants, and he just wants to communicate them in the most straightforward manner possible. He’s not trying to be crass; he’s just trying to let Mr. Haggar know what he needs. (I would say he’s got better things to do, but then again, he did spent about 3 minutes describing a pair of pants).
And hey, do you really want the president’s pants tight? Johnson’s got to *breath* my friend. If you’re making important military decisions, you’ve got to be comfortable. How are you supposed to lead a nation when wearing pants is like riding a wire fence? - “because I’m running to a funeral”
Not…THE funeral, though, right? Please tell me this conversation didn’t take place just before THE funeral.
Quote Monday adds some potty words
Evie: “Oh, by the way, Nala pooped in the bathroom downstairs.”
Me: “::sigh:: Okay. And you didn’t clean it up I suppose?”
Evie: “I’ll do that on father’s day.”
I’d like to note that Evie cleaned up cat poop on Mother’s day. So she wasn’t lying, at least!
Ollie: “Whenever I see food I get hungry, and my eyes keep leading me to these tomatoes here.”
Ollie: “No, no, ‘just like a stinky toot!’ See? I added some more potty words to it.”
What isn’t improved by adding more potty words?
Shane Halbach 