My story “The Lesser of Two Evils” to appear in UFO 5

I am VERY excited to announce my story “The Lesser of Two Evils” will be appearing in the Unidentified Funny Objects 5 anthology from UFO Publishing.

The UFO series is a yearly anthology of humorous science fiction and fantasy. In addition to my story, the 5th installment  will include stories by David Gerrold, Mike Resnick, Gini Koch, Jody Lynn Nye, Tim Pratt, Esther Friesner, Shaenon K. Garrity, and Laura Resnick.

I don’t normally write specifically to target anthologies, but I write something every year for UFO. Several of those stories have gone on to sell elsewhere, but not to UFO. I like to think of myself as a humorous writer, so the more I got rejected, the more determined I was to get in. Like, “Okay, you think you can write funny stuff? Well, prove it, beat out everybody’s funniest stuff.”

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

I’m so excited for you guys to read this one. I think my story is hilarious (is there a Giant Ego anthology? Because I’d totally be in it.), and I know Alex does a great job with these anthologies, start to finish.

Link when it is available to purchase.

Siren

See, she’s already sung one boat to its death on the rocks!

siren

(Everything about this is posed. Evelyn told me how to take the picture, decided how to sit, and then informed me what kind of photoshoping I’d be doing on it. Irresistible song indeed.)

Teeth!

We had a couple of surprises last weekend!

teeth!

Alex is the (surprise!) owner of 2 new teeth. That’s a full 2 months before Evelyn’s first tooth, and 4 months before Oliver. It was just so much not on our radar, that we couldn’t believe it. We kept saying, “Wait, was he teething?” (That boy never goes more than a few minutes without his hands in his mouth, so I don’t even know how we’d know.)

He has been *extremely* interested in food for quite some time now. It’s impossible to eat or drink anything with him around because he will dive straight out of your arms to get at it. We have been letting him suck on a piece of melon or lettuce here and there, but now that he has teeth we decided we better get some cereal. So far he’s not very keen on the cereal, but he sure loves the idea of eating. Boy howdy.

It’s amazing what a difference a week or two makes at that age, though. All of a sudden he’s sitting up in his highchair at the table, eating with us, switching from the bassinet to the regular stroller, having teeth…suddenly he’s like a real boy!

We have taken a couple of minor car trips lately, and I can say that Alex is not a big fan. Part of it is probably that he very, very rarely has to ride in the car, certain far less than any of the other kids (or anybody not living in Chicago). Mostly he howls the whole time he’s strapped in the car seat.

The good news is, nobody can cheer him up like Ollie and Evelyn (particularly Evelyn). This is double good news, because they CAN NOT STAND IT if he’s crying. If he shows even the faintest hint of being unhappy about something, they’re on it like white on rice. We keep trying to tell them it’s okay if he doesn’t get what he wants the exact second he wants it, but they’re not having it. And if he’s just too frustrated to stop crying, then Evelyn is so upset that she starts crying as well, unable to bear it that he is so unhappy.

Baby of the family indeed.

The most annoying part (to the grownups) is that they mostly cheer him up by quickly repeating certain phrases, almost like an incantation or something. Evelyn says, “honk honk rattle rattle toot crash beep beep” over and over and over again as fast as she can, or else just saying “A gooo! A goooo!” Ollie’s go to is “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” but he also invented a song that goes, “Alex, oh Alex, deep down in your grave.” (???) But I mean, any time Alex makes even a hint of a worried noise, they just spontaneously start spouting these noises so fast that they don’t even sound like words.

All of these things are maddeningly effective, which only encourages them to do it even more.

Better than the alternative I guess.

Lawyered by Quote Monday

Me: “…It’s like when you were in Heidi and everyone in the whole family learned all of the songs.”
Evelyn: “Well, not Alex.”
Me: ::sigh:: “There is nothing you and your brother love more than starting an argument over some particular word choice.”
Evelyn: “Which brother?”

Sara: “The thing about Alex is, I don’t think he looks how you looked as a baby, I think he looks how you look now.”

Evelyn: “I googled myself and the first picture was some strange man.”

Naturally, I had to google it, and naturally I instantly recognized the strange man. He does have an interesting connection to Halbachs….

Cheesy Hashbrown Bake with Homemade Sausage

The first Friday of the month is reserved for recipes. You can see additional First Friday Food posts here.

The Reason:

You might not know this, but when Sara and I were dating, she worked at the Cracker Barrel. You might say I didn’t so much date her as use her as a supplier of delicious cheesy hashbrown casserole.

(Now, before you get all up in arms, I didn’t *ONLY* date her to gain access to cheesy hashbrown casserole: they also had biscuits.)

I don’t remember how we came to make our own sausage, but you should know by now that if there is an easy way to do things and a hard way to do things, I generally choose the hard way.

The Journey:

You guys! You can make your own sausage? Did you know that was a thing you can do? It turns out sausage patties do NOT descend fully formed from Mount Olympus, but are in fact a simple mixture of pork and spices! Who knew?

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Anybody who says links are better than patties can just get the hell off my blog right now.

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Okay, so now you have the sausage…now what? Eat it, you say? NOT SO FAST.

(Okay, well eat a little bit of it, I mean, seriously)

Now we shall transform that into something EVEN MORE DELICIOUS.

How could anything be even more delicious than homemade sausage? Well, it involves a whole lot of cheese, that’s how. And hashbrowns. CHEESE AND HASHBROWNS.

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…and then you bake it and it gets even more magical.

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The Verdict:

Well, we do like our breakfast food around here.

I daresay this is even better than the Cracker Barrel cheesy hashbrown casserole. I suppose you *could* use your homemade sausage just for eating, and you *could* make this with non-homemade sausage, but…

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The Recipe:

Breakfast Sausage

Recipe adapted from from Bon Appetit:

  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme
  • 2 teaspoons light brown sugar
  • 1 1/3 teaspoons kosher salt
  • 1 teaspoon crushed fennel seeds
  • 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
  • 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/3 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1/3 teaspoon onion powder (if you have it)
  • 1 pound ground pork
  1. Mix sage, thyme, brown sugar, salt, fennel seeds, red pepper flakes, black pepper, garlic powder, paprika and onion powder in a medium bowl. Add pork and work spice mixture into meat with your hands until it’s very well blended.
  2. Scoop out ¼-cupfuls of mixture and flatten into about ¼”-thick patties (they will plump slightly when cooled).
  3. Griddle sausage over medium-high heat until browned on one side, about 2 minutes. Flip and cook 2 minutes more.
  4. Do Ahead: Patties can be made 2 days ahead. Stack between parchment paper; cover and chill, or freeze up to 1 month.

Cheesy Hashbrown Bake

Recipe adapted from All Recipes:

  • 1 pound 4 oz package frozen hash brown potatoes, thawed
  • 1/2 – 2/3 pounds pork sausage
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 7 eggs
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
  • 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
  • salt and black pepper to taste
  • 8-12oz sharp cheddar, shredded
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 2 quart baking dish. Place the hash brown potatoes in the bottom of the baking dish.
  2. Heat a skillet over medium heat and cook and stir the sausage and onion until the sausage is crumbly, evenly browned, and no longer pink; drain. Meanwhile, whisk together the eggs, milk, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, and pepper, and pour over the potatoes. Layer with half the Cheddar cheese, the sausage mixture, and the remaining Cheddar cheese. Cover with aluminum foil.
  3. Bake in the preheated oven for 1 hour. Remove cover; return casserole to the oven and bake until a knife inserted into the center comes out clean, about 10 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes before serving.