Quote Monday speaks Chicago

Alex: “I’m still Captain hook, but don’t call me that because I’m embarrassed.”

Alex: “His name is Tarley.”
Me: “Charley?”
Alex: “Yeah but I say “Tarley” because I can’t speak that language.”

Alex: “There’s one [instruction] book for each language. There’s Spanish, England, and Chicago!”

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Hard hitting, investigative journalism

As some of you may recall, we have been feuding with Whole Foods over their multi-grain crust pizza for several years.

So imagine my surprise when I open up the school newspaper and find that, after dipping her toes in with a few puff pieces, an intrepid reporter had made her first foray into the world of investigative journalism. There it is, in black and white: an exposé!

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I, for one, am glad that a journal of the HIGHEST INTEGRITY has finally decided to shine the HARSH LIGHT OF TRUTH on one of the great stories of our day, and I applaud this reporter, whoever she is, for having the gumption to stick up for the little guy!

(Seriously, this daughter of mine. Sometimes I just don’t even know what to do with this girl…)

Quote Monday is a chip off the old block

Sara: “No, no more bacon.”
::Taking away the bacon::
Alex, wailing: “Do you want me to die??”

Alex: “Where’s Evie?”
Vania: “She went to school.”
Alex, getting angry: “Well I know where school is, I’m going to drive there myself!”
Alex: “Can you help me put on my shoes?”

Alex: “Why is it dark outside?”
Sara: “Because you’re wearing sunglasses, goofball.”

Ollie: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Alex: “A teenager!”

Quote Monday is running out of patience

Alex: “What are you playing?”
Grandma Kathy: “It’s called words with Friends.”
Alex: “Can I play?”
Grandma Kathy: “You don’t know how to spell!”
Alex: “I know how to spell Alex! A-L-E-X. Can I play now?”

Alex: “Grandma, I told you three times already! I am running out of patience!”

Alex: “I wonder what my kids will be named?”
Sara: “You know you get to name your kids?”
Alex: “Huh”
Sara: “What would you name them?”
Alex: “Evie and Ollie, so they’d always be with me!”

Alex: “I am not going to bed without dessert! I am going to get up in the night, and…dance!”

Well, that will teach us.

Quote Monday prepares for the Polar Vortex

::At the grocery store::
Alex: Why do they put all the honey in bears? Do they sell it to bears??”

Alex: “Do you guys sleep?”
Alex: “I thought maybe your bed was just for pretending to sleep.”

Sara: “I remember what I said that made Alex laugh so hard he peed his pants! I said, ‘Little  House on the Potty!'”

Ollie: “Alex, if you could have anything in the world, what would you want?”
Alex, without hesitation: “Scissors!”

We were stocking up on the essentials before the Polar Vortex sets in: milk, coffee, etc.
Alex: “How are we on ice cream?”

Quote Monday makes me feel old

Evelyn: “It’s so nice to feel the wind in your hair!”
Evelyn, to me: “…I’m sorry if that was rude.”

Me: “Before there were apps to tell them where to pick you up, you had to hail a taxi. Like put your arm up and whistle. Now we just use the app.”
Ollie: “Yeah I know. I’ve read books from back then.”

Me: “She is not going to like that fruitcake. When your mama says you’re not going to like something, they’re usually right.”
Alex: “Except I don’t like broccoli and Mama says I have to like it.”

New Fiction – The Last Squirrel Keeper in Analog!

Catch a new story by me in the January / February issue of Analog, in bookstores / on sale now!

It’s always exciting to be in Analog, of course, but THIS month, my name made the cover!

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Imagine someone picking up a magazine and going, “Huh, a new story by Shane Halbach?”

I can’t even.

BUT IT GETS BETTER!

As if that weren’t enough, I flipped open the magazine to this PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, MULTI-PAGE illustration of my story:

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There are not enough hearts-in-eyes emojis to properly demonstrate my feeling about this illustration.