Easter 2013

Easter has come and gone around the Halbach household.

I think Oliver wasn’t exactly clear on what Easter was, and we didn’t think to tell him until Easter-eve. This worked out well, because the kids didn’t really have time to get excited about it until the night before, which kept expectations low.

The Easter bunny hid some eggs in Evie and Ollie’s room, and Evie swears up and down she saw the Easter bunny in her room. She has a description, including coloration (white) and height (bigger than a regular bunny, smaller than an adult). They slept in relatively late, but when they found the eggs hiding in their room, a lot of shrieking ensued.

Ollie found a decent number of eggs, but we did have to limit Evie a little bit to slow her down. Both kids found their Easter baskets (Evie’s in the pressure canner, Ollie’s under his coat on the coat rack). They both got a puzzle, Evie got a book about fairies and some fairy paper dolls, and Ollie got a book and the Annie soundtrack.

The kids also had a good time dying eggs, and were disappointed that we didn’t do more eggs. However, we had to limit it to the number of eggs we could reasonably eat!

Most of the excitement happened at church. (That’s the first and last time I’ll ever type that phrase!)

We knew there was an Easter egg hunt at the end of church, but I was surprised to see the Easter bunny coming down the aisle. It seemed a little…secular. Pagan even. But that surprise was nothing compared to the surprise a lot of the kids experienced when the Easter bunny tripped on a kid and his head fell off in front of all the children (the bunny’s head, not the child’s). You couldn’t have set this up better: all of the kids crowding around, cheering, the poor kid being mashed into the floor by the giant falling bunny, the enormous head tumbling off, the horrified face of the grad student struggling to get the head back on as fast as possible as if the kids surrounding her could possibly not notice that inside the Easter bunny was a tiny black haired woman like some kind of perverse Russian stacking doll.

The egg hunt went very well. They wisely split the kids into young, middle, and old. This meant that Ollie was down with the ravening beasts in the basement, splitting lips in an effort to grasp one more egg, while Evie was traipsing sedately with the few other “medium sized” kids in the church. The hardest part for Evie was that they told us to wait until all the eggs were hidden before starting, and I held a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to wait until they said to start. She was literally THE ONLY KID who was forced to abide by the rules. So on one hand, I’m the meanest dad ever, but on the other hand, a dozen other kids and their parents will burn in eternal hellfire for blatantly ignoring the rules in a greedy attempt to get more candy in a church.

One final bit of strangeness. After they service, they served champagne. I mean, technically, Easter is a joyous occasion, so it kind of made a certain sort of sense. “We closed the big account!” is a good reason for champagne, so certainly “Someone came back from the dead!” should apply as well. But it still seemed a little strange to be standing by the alter and hearing champagne corks popping. It was greatly distracting to the parents, which is probably why they didn’t mind their kids ignoring the pleas of, “Just a second kids! The eggs aren’t all hidden yet!”

If you are going to have champagne at church though, spring for the good stuff next time. This stuff was to champagne what church wine is to actual wine. Let’s just say this is the kind of stuff you’d save for the end of a wedding in Cana, if you know what I mean. I’d be embarrassed to scrub the floor with it. It took 4 people to finish our little plastic cup full.

Getting snockered in church, fighting kids for chocolate candy, and a giant, headless Easter bunny. In other words, we celebrated Easter like the pagan holiday it was meant to be!

Quote Monday is under and over appreciated

Evie: “Nothing will be better than Wednesday.”
Sara: “Why is that?”
Evie: “Because Mama’s staying home, and we’re having my favorite supper.”
Sara: “But Daddy won’t be here on Wednesday.”
Evie: “That’s even better!”

Ollie: “My favorite holidays are Easter and New York.”

It took Sara and I a full 2 days to realize he may have been referring to New Years.

Evie: “You haven’t folded the laundry yet? You’re like the tortoise.”

::The pipe organ plays a tremendous solo::
Ollie: “Is someone playing the accordion?”

Thumbs up to stop gun violence!

You know, some people think that movies glorify gun violence. Maybe they are just watching the wrong movies. Because, as Thumbs & Ammo knows,

Real tough guys don’t need guns, they just need a positive, can-do attitude

To prove it to you, I give you the following scenes from all the biggest movies. Do these guys need guns? No they do not!

(I could probably put every single one in here, but I’ll try to restrain myself.)

Thumbs up, bros. Stay positive!

Bacon Legislation

I’ve mentioned before the important, and useful ability of the common man to petition the federal government for important services. Now, unfortunately, some people have put this powerful website to silly uses, which is a shame, because it obscures the truly useful petitions. I’m referring of course, to this one: Have the USDA set a Recommended Daily Intake (RDI) for bacon.

We, the undersigned, respectfully request that the USDA set a Recommended Daily Intake (RDI) for bacon, so that all Americans can be guided on how best to participate in this amazing, nation building food.

Finally, something useful and important that the government could actually accomplish!

Please join me in signing this vital petition. We need 100,000 signatures by April 21st, and we have a long, long way to go.

The Case of the Convulsing Cat

Our quiet breakfast was interrupted by Nala’s “distress cry” (the one that sounds like Ed McMahon’s “AYoooooo”), despite the fact that she was laying on the rug right next to us, safe and sound. This was followed immediately by Nala vomiting all over the rug.

Nala vomiting is certainly nothing out of the ordinary, especially lately. Ever since we switched her food, she’s had a bit of a setback on the hard-won, anti-vomit front. I jumped up to clean up the vomit, cursing Nala under my breath for doing it on the rug rather than 6 inches away on the hardwood floor. Nala, wisely, decided to get out of my way.

She took one tentative step and then collapsed, arms going rigid and locked, convulsing on the floor.

This only lasted a few seconds, but they were tense seconds. I didn’t know what to do. I was right there with her, petting her the whole time and stupidly repeating, “Nala, are you okay?” Anna shepherded the kids from the room, but they obviously picked up from my tone and body language (and the fact that they were being shepherded from the room) that something was up. I was surprised that the kids weren’t more upset by all of this. I assumed they didn’t understand what was going on, but Evie later quite matter-of-factly stated she thought Nala was dying, because she was “very old”.

After a short time, Nala was able to get up, after which she hid under the table for awhile, until she regained her bearings. After that I was able to coax her out, pet her, and then she returned to normal. In less than 5 minutes, you would never have known anything was wrong.

Naturally, I was a little concerned. My cat doesn’t seize every day. I couldn’t help but think this was related to the recent diagnosis of hyperthyroidism. I thought perhaps the food was not controlling it properly, and maybe things had gotten worse.

I took her to the vet, and the vet couldn’t find anything wrong with her. Everything checked out normally. Furthermore, there is no correlation between hyperthyroidism and seizures, nor were seizures a side effect of the prescription food. It is also apparently very rare for an older cat to develop seizures, other than from eating something toxic.

“Has she gotten into anything lately? Eaten anything she shouldn’t have?” the vet asked me repeatedly. “No, not as far as I know,” I answered repeatedly. I mean, there’s always the chance; she does a lot of things I don’t know about (most of them involving peeing on something). The final result was “keep an eye on her” which made me feel distinctly foolish while paying the vet bill.

This was all quite the mystery. Nala was acting totally normal, but it seemed awfully foreboding. One doesn’t just have seizures. It felt like when your car starts making a weird noise and you just ignore it and hope it goes away, even though you know it *always* means something is terribly wrong.

The next day, Nala threw up on the bathmat, consisting entirely of flower blossoms. I have to say, there are worse things than a cat who magically vomits flower blossoms, but it got me thinking: could I start a band named Magical Flower Blossom Vomit? And also, although we’ve had this flower for months, I’d caught the cat eating it only over the past week. Could that be significant?

(not my picture)

It could! The flower is a kalanchoe, and it does not agree with cats:

This plant contains components that can produce gastrointestinal irritation, as well as those that are toxic to the heart, and can seriously affect cardiac rhythm and rate.

and

Animals may develop severe weakness and cold extremities, collapse, and eventually die because of cardiac arrest.

Of course, only my cat is dumb enough to keep eating a flower that makes her sick, day after day after day. I really cannot conceive of how this cat ever could have survived in the wild. I don’t know. But I do know that the cat has neither seized, nor vomited since I moved the plant. That plant has sat in the same place since September, why did Nala suddenly decide it needed to be eaten?

Has she been chased around by screaming children one too many times? Is she trying to end it??