Evelyn: “I’m hungry.”
Me: “Hi hungry, I’m Dad!”
Evelyn: “I’m… not amused.”
Me: “Hi not amused, I’m Dad!”
Evelyn: “…now I’m amused.”

Alex, finishing his kazoo rendition of The Mariners Revenge song: “Well, that’s something for my college applications!”

Sara: <Buying things at an estate sale, like she does>
Me: “Oh Sara, maybe we should bring Ollie with us.”
Ollie: “Wait, is it heavy? Or poisonous?”