So, recently I got to pick out something from the “employee gift catalog” for being employed for 5 years. Now, aside from the fact that I’ve actually worked there for more than 7 years, these catalogs. Yeesh. Have you seen these things? You browse through a glorified Oriental Trading Company catalog and pick from one of several cheap gifts. I’m sure they’re paying a lot of money to this company, but why? They’d be better off giving you a paper “certificate of appreciation” or something.

Nevertheless, I picked something out, because apparently free junk is better than no junk at all.

It turns out they were fresh out of my gift-of-choice, but I opted to wait. I mean, I didn’t really need a multi-tool all that bad in the first place, so I wasn’t in any rush. Finally, the magnificent day came, and there was my fancy new $5 multi-tool.

Shortly after taking it out of the package and playing with it, my eye caught a little warning on the package:

“WARNING: This product contains a chemical known to the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm”

What the? It’s entirely made of stainless steel, how does it cause cancer? Does it cause cancer just by touching it? IS IT CAUSING CANCER RIGHT NOW??

Now that the package had my attention, I gave it a little closer inspection. There are several other warnings, including “Do not run or make sudden movements when holding or using this pocket toolbox”. I assume sudden movements cause the cancer to spread faster.

There was a big picture of an American flag on the back, right next to the “Made in China” label. So which was it, USA or China?

I feel downright patriotic knowing the package was designed right here in the USA. Wait a minute, it doesn’t actually say USA on there…in fact, that’s not even a real picture of the flag! It’s bad enough enough that they tried to take credit for the nation of package-design origin, but it turns out they might not even be truthful with that dubious honor!

The multi-tool features 14 useful functions, including 3 types of screwdriver and a “Heavy-Duty Plier Handle & Pry Bar”

Don’t believe everything that you read:

“WARNING: This tool is not designed for pounding or prying. Strong impacts or twisting forces may damage the implements”

What good is a pry bar that can’t pry? A screwdriver that can’t twist? Pliers that are only good for causing cancer? I’m not sure, but I do know I’m going to be working extra hard at work this week in appreciation of my amazing gift!