Me: “We’re like the yin and yang of cheapness. We’re cheap about different things, but together we form the perfect circle of cheapness!”

Me: “Evie, if I see you spray your brother in the face again, we’re going to turn around and go home.”
::time passes::
Evie: “Since we’re getting ready to go home anyway, can I spray him in the face now?”

Me: “I can’t pick you up, how would I make supper?”
Ollie, tapping my arm: “One hand.”

Me: “Do you know what animal ham comes from?
Evie: “A hamster?”