There aren’t a lot of bigger zombie apocalypse supporters than me. So, when I see an article entitled 7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly), I get ready to scoff. However, I read the entire article, and I have to say that they make some pretty good arguments! Unfortunately, I have to admit that they have a point. The 7 reasons are as follows:

7. They Have Too Many Natural Predators
6. They Can’t Take the Heat
5. They Can’t Handle the Cold
4. Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease
3. They Can’t Heal from Day to Day Damage
2. The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers
1. Weapons and the People Who Use Them

You really have to go read the article, because looking at that list isn’t very convincing. But basically the gist of it is that zombie movies downplay certain key factors, and up-play other key factors, to make a convincing movie. In reality, all those little details they are fudging would mount up to a significant, zombie-stopping force. For example, people are more organized and better at killing things than you might imagine (that’s how we got to the top of the food chain to begin with), hot corpses fill with gas until they explode, maggots and bacteria are pretty efficient at dismantling dead meat, there’s no way every bite could lead to infection, etc., etc., etc.

Go take a look at the list and tell me you’re not convinced.

Looking at that list brought me to another list on the same site, 5 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (That Will Get You Killed).

5. Raiding the Gun Store
4. Get Out of Town
3. Fortify Your Base
2. Conserve Ammo: Use Melee Weapons When Possible
1. Always Aim for the Head

Basically these kind of come down to, “Hey, you’re not the only person who thought of that, idiot.” They’re right to point out that pretty much everybody has the same plan. The details might be different, but the general outline is the same. And I don’t know how many gun stores you have in your neighborhood, but chances are they’re going to get a little crowded. Not to mention that most of us aren’t the superheroes we think we are, where every shot is a head shot, dancing through scores of bodies without getting a drop of blood on us. In other words, real life isn’t a video game.

Who knew cracked.com would be the sanest place to get zombie advice??