This is required reading for all of you out there in Internet land.

Pirate Laws – The ancient laws of the pirate as written by Blackbeard himself

Some of my favorites:
23. A pirate does not “go shopping”. Unless by “shopping”, you mean “killing”.
25. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
27. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is “wrinkled”. A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.
29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

And remember, #44, When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.