So, the other day we were at the “Smart Home” exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry and they had these awesome glass walls that you could open up and fold away.  Later we saw that there were sort of wooden slat walls on tracks outside that you could slide across the glass.  I said, “I wonder why you would slide this wall across your windows?” and Tony Vegas said, “For the zombie apocalypse of course!”  So it truly is a smart home!

This brings up something that has been really bothering me a lot lately…in the case of a zombie apocalypse, I am unprepared!  I have thought about this issue off and on, but it has been highlighted lately by my brother’s own zombie apocalypse plan (which, by the way, has been very slow in the revealing.  What if the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, there would be all of these people hitting refresh waiting for step 2 to be posted) which just highlights my own lack of plan.

Let me give you a historical run down of my own zombie apocalypse plans.

At home my plan involves 2 stages.  Stage 1 is to go to the Scotts’ Grocery Store a couple of blocks from the house.  The idea of holding up in a grocery store has been appealing to me since I first read The Mist all those years ago.  This is inherently limited though because when you run out of electricity you are going to have some trouble.  And do you really want to be sitting on a hundred pounds of rotting meat with zombies stalking around outside?  I think not.  Also, my zombie apocalypse plan (Z.A.P.) always involves finding some weaponry A.S.A.P. and there isn’t much of that at a grocery store.  That is why the 2nd stage involves making my way to my dad’s house.  He’s got plenty of firepower (handguns, shotgun, rifles, muzzle loader, even a bow and arrows), but he also has other amenities.  First off, he lives out in the country which is important.  Less population density = less zombie density.  Also, he has a generator that he bought sometime around Y2K.  He also has survival skills like hunting skills, numchuckskills, etc.  Chicks love a guy withskills.  Last but not least he has a big freezer full of venison.  His house is more or less defensible too since he has steep drop off to a creek bed behind his house.

Since I brought up weaponry, I want to touch on a point.  Conventional zombie fighting wisdom tells you to grab a machete, but I argue that is not the best course of action.  Maybe it is because zombies originate in the Caribbean.  Anyway, I say you are much better off with something more like a baseball bat.  With a sword you run the major risk of getting it stuck in a zombie, which will spell your doom.  Unlike in the movies, you are unlikely to be hacking off limbs and / or heads with every swing (at least until later on when they are more rotten, but by then if you are still alive you probably have something better than a machete).  You will probably be causing superficial flesh wounds that the zombies will ignore.  You are better off going with something that can bash in skulls but also can possibly break some bones and incapacitate the zombie.  And don’t forget that it should be relatively light!  There is never just one zombie, so you are going to have to crack a lot of skulls.  A tire iron is going to tire you out too fast and then they’ll get you.

So back to the plan.  After I left home I had to find a new plan but it wasn’t too hard.  Purdue is a warren of underground tunnels connecting one building to the next.  It would take some time and some caution to remove all of the zombies from those tunnels, but once you did you would have an underground highway allowing you to travel from one building to the next.  This includes cafeterias!  I’m not sure if the tunnels connect to the armory, but they have a cannon there so it would be worth an overland excursion.  Food and weapons and an underground sanctuary…perfect!

Next came Philly and a 3 part plan.  Part 1 was to hole up in my apartment which was on the 2nd story and had only one entrance.  If we blocked off the internal stair case we could be relatively safe.  This is obviously only a temporary solution though because we are missing a large store of food and weaponry.  That is why step 2 was to make it over to Tony Vegas‘ apartment.  There we could arm to the teeth (in guns and guitars) including the giant claymore hanging by the front door.  Also, he lives on the secondfloor with a very narrow internal stairway which could easily be defended.  I’m sure he also has a large store of cheese and pepperoni layed aside as well.  Eventually we would run out of food, but once we were armed we could make our way to step 3 which was getting to Lockheed Martin.  All entrances to the building were secured and even if a zombie employee tried to return to work, punching in a code would be above the dexterity of your average zombie.  In addition every door has a badge reader so you could secure smaller areas piece by piece until the entire building was cleared.  There are also cafeterias there and vending machines, which means food. 

Around this time I also decided I needed a 4th stage…find Ving Rhames.

That brings us to Chicago.  I have thought and thought about it and there is just no good plan!  First off, the city is way too big.  Obviously, more people means more zombies, but you also have to consider all the abandoned cars and other impediments to getting out of the city when the time comes.  Second off, my house is practically set up as a zombie hotel.  I have 3 entrances as well as about 14 zombie accessible windows.  Even the basement isn’t very defensible because it has the windows and also the stairway is too wide and open to blockade with any hope of success.  I have no weapons and no hope of attaining any, no where to hole up, no good way to get out of the city and there’s hardly even any grocery stores around.

Doomed I tell you.

The best  can come up with is some vague notion of getting a boat out on the lake.  Then I wouldn’t have to worry about car pile-ups blocking my way out of the city, and obviously a zombie can’t come at you on the sea (although I have seen one fight a shark).

So, loyal readers, what do you think? Any ideas?  Surely saving my life is a worthy price for all the time I’ve wasted for you!