My brother showed up to my mom’s wedding with a ridiculous mustache. He is currently running an election campaign, and he explained that a few people had made a pact that they would not shave their mustaches until they achieved victory.

That’s when I realized that I had this amazing natural resource that I wasn’t using in any way. And why not put my upper lip towards a good cause, and help my brother win his election? Thus, another victory ‘stash was born.

(though of course, we should give props to the original victory ‘stash)

I have always been a big fan of ever-changing, ever-more-ridiculous facial hair. Sara, however, is definitely not a fan of facial hair. I tried to explain to her about a man’s right to choose what he wants to do with his body, but she’s not buying it. Ugh, women! So insensitive. They give you a wedding ring, and then they think they own you. Well, this man is more than just a piece of meat! I’m a piece of meat with a mustache!

And quite honestly, I’m just so tired of being the most handsome man in the room. It’s such as hassle; it’s practically a disability. So I just need to handicap myself a little bit, to bring it down to everyone else’s level.

So far, the best part of having the mustache is watching people flounder around with what to say. Sometimes they say something like, “Uh…wow!”, or sometimes they say nothing at all. In either case, I can just see this process going on behind the eyes like, “I know him to be a reasonable man, and yet…” It’s like they just can’t process it. I just get to imagine these little conversations in their head, like, “Should I laugh about it, or does he honestly think that looks good?” It’s so fantastic.

I guess I can spot the people who think that I think it looks good, because they say something like, “Hey, I like the mustache! It looks good!” Okay, now how am I supposed to take someone seriously after that? Either they really think it looks good, which is kind of silly, or they don’t, in which case they are just lying to me.

I think the problem is that my mustache is not yet ridiculous enough. When it reaches epic proportions, then people will be less inclined to think I’m just an idiot. Then it will be patently obvious that it looks awesome, and nobody will feel the need to mention it, or give me fake compliments. Because then all the compliments will only be real.

Anybody have a good mustache wax vendor?