It has come to my attention that not everybody has seen this. In keeping with being the last person on the Internet to break news, I give you this amazing audio, wherein President Lyndon B. Johnson orders a pair of pants (transcript here):
This phone call absolutely captured my imagination for several reasons:
- “And make the pockets at least an inch longer, my money, my knife, everything falls out”
If anything signifies this was a different time, it’s the fact that the President carries a knife in his pocket. A knife! You don’t fool around with a President who has a knife in his pocket. Screw the Secret Service, you let an assassin come at LBJ, boy howdy. You don’t like LBJ’s policies on Vietnam? LBJ gonna cut ya.
- “these are the best I’ve had anywhere in the United States”
The man wants some pants, and these pants are great! Excepting, of course, the pockets, zipper, waistline, crotch…okay, they could use a little improvement. See, this is a man with some very exacting specifications for his pants. I mean, you don’t get to be President of the United States without a little attention to detail.
- “the crotch, down where your nuts hang – is always a little too tight” “See if you can’t leave me an inch from where the zipper (burps) ends, round, under my, back to my bunghole, so I can let it out there if I need to” “because they cut me, it’s just like riding a wire fence”
So much for my dream of being the first President to talk about my bunghole in the oval office.
Where to even start. I mean, this is where it really starts going off the rails. You’ve got a sitting President casually talking about his neither regions, burping, you know, wherever the mood takes him. It’s good to be king.
I just like how it’s all so casual, you know? It’s like, man’s got some specification on his pants, and he just wants to communicate them in the most straightforward manner possible. He’s not trying to be crass; he’s just trying to let Mr. Haggar know what he needs. (I would say he’s got better things to do, but then again, he did spent about 3 minutes describing a pair of pants).
And hey, do you really want the president’s pants tight? Johnson’s got to *breath* my friend. If you’re making important military decisions, you’ve got to be comfortable. How are you supposed to lead a nation when wearing pants is like riding a wire fence?
- “because I’m running to a funeral”
Not…THE funeral, though, right? Please tell me this conversation didn’t take place just before THE funeral.