They say that you marry someone like your mother or father (depending on your gender). In my case, I would say that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sara is nothing like my mom. However, in the past few years, some eerie similarities have begun to develop. Keep in mind that none of these things were true when I met her, or when we got married, but have only developed recently. I think we have to consider the possibility that something is turning her into my mother, possibly against her will.

1. She makes me eat weird flours, powders, and organic food – Sara hasn’t met a dish yet that couldn’t do with a pinch of flaxseed. My mom’s fridge has so many different kinds of flour, I don’t know how she even finds the one she wants. Flaxseed, powders, vital wheat gluten, eye of newt. It’s like healthier eating through witchcraft. As a side note, for something called vital wheat gluten, it sure wasn’t vital for most of my life. And yet, we now somehow have a case of it in the freezer. I’m not exactly complaining about this, after all, Sara put spinach in my smoothie and I liked it, it’s just not something I would choose to do on my own.
2. She makes me go outside and exercise – When I was little, my mother was constantly forcing me outside against my will. I was not an outside boy. I was perfectly happy to stay indoors with a good book (or a bad book, if things got desperate). I actually don’t have anything against the outdoors, it’s exercise I am opposed to. However, Sara insists that she doesn’t want to spend her retirement without me, so I need to get off my keister. Though Sara’s methods of motivation are different, the result is the same.
3. She keeps a compost pail – My mom always used old milk containers. However, at home, we had to walk in the direction of the garden to get to the garage, so we emptied them more often (not to mention the kids were a cheap labor source). In our house there are two seasons, winter and fruit fly. Sara got a new compost pail for Christmas, so hopefully that will be the end of the fruit flies. Either that or we’ll wait for our kids to get big enough to empty the slop.
4. She’s hell-bent on saving the Earth – Okay, this one isn’t really new since I met Sara. After all, her frustration with water pollution is well documented. However, it seems to have reached a fevered pitch lately. My mom never actually made her own cleaning products, but it certainly seems like something she’d do. We don’t have a “We Recycle!” bumper sticker yet, but I’m sure it’s the next step along the path of becoming my mom.
5. She has switched us over to non-stick pans – It turns out all that Teflon isn’t good for you, but it sure is easier to clean. When my mom switched us from non-stick pans to ultra-stick pans, she increased the difficulty of dish-washing x 10. I *hate* dish-washing! Anything that makes it worse is no good. And now I’m in the middle of the ultra-stick revolution, version 2.0.

Okay, so maybe all of those things are targeted at making me healthier. Maybe something about me would make anybody look at me and go, “For God’s sake man, you’re actually turning into a puddle of muscle-less jelly!” Or maybe I’ve been lucky to be graced with not one, but two women who care enough about me and about the Earth to put in the work to improve them.

It’s either that, or maybe there’s some sort of body snatcher plot afoot. With my luck, it seems more likely to be the latter.