Quote Monday stops to breathe

/ Shane / Leave a comment

::Ollie, gobbling bacon so fast he throws up::
Evie, witnessing this: “That reminds me! I haven’t had any bacon yet!”

::Evie sucking her belly in::
Evie: “Innie!”
::Evie pushing her belly out::
Evie: “Outie!”
Evie, continuing: “Innie! Outie! Innie! Outie!”
Evie: “I can’t stick my belly out any more without going poo poo in my pants!”

Me: “We’re going to…”
Evie: “Daddy! Daddy! Pretend I’m your cat! What are we going to do?”
Me: “Well, first we’re going…”
Evie: “Daddy, you know what?”
Me: “Evie, I’m trying to…”
Evie: “Daddy, what were you going to say?”
Me: “Well, sometimes you have to listen instead of…”
Evie: “Tomorrow we’re going to Never Land!”
Me: “…”
Evie: “Daddy, what were you going to say that we were going to do?”
Me: “Evie, I’m trying to tell you, but you keep interrupt…”
Evie:  “I’m sorry. You can finish your sentence now.”
Me: “Okay, but sometimes you need to stop talking so you can hear…”
Evie: “Daddy, can we have lunch now?”

How old does your kid have to be before she stops talking? Because it’s been about 2 years now, and she hasn’t taken a breath yet!!

The Mobile Zombie Safehouse

/ Shane / Leave a comment

You know, the first step in a lot of zombie apocalypse plans is to find some kind of safe place to hole up. Usually you take something that is moderately safe to begin with, like your house or the corner store, and then fortify it in some way. However, most people will tell you that mobility is your best ally, which tends to conflict with the first part. But some outside-the-box thinkers are selling the best of both worlds: I give you the mobile zombie safehouse:

Click for Larger

Big enough for two (probably not very comfortably, but this is the zombie apocalypse we’re talking about here), and yet you can carry it on your back. I love the picture at the end, which implies 1) that the “reflective camouflage” is so good that a person can’t easily spot those things without an app, 2) that cell phone towers are still functioning, and 3) there are so many people with mobile zombie safehouses, that they’re literally sprinkled all over this field (which seems to be pretty zombie-free to begin with). Oh well, if their marketing saves even one person from being eaten by a zombie, that’s a job well done!

Link via Nathan.

The Clothespin Game

/ Shane / Leave a comment

I don’t know how the clothespin game originated, but it was certainly going on long before my childhood. It’s pretty simple: clip a clothespin onto someone without them realizing it. You’re probably thinking that doesn’t sound like much fun, but you are so, so wrong.

First off, it’s a game of skill. It’s trickier than you think to hook one on someone without them noticing. There’s the actual delicate placing of the clothespin, but there’s also the approach. You’d be amazed at how suspicious people get when you’re following them around, or lurking behind them for no reason. And it only gets harder when they know there’s a clothespin out there somewhere, looking for victims. There’s also the selection of the location to pin the clothespin. You could go for the obvious places, like a shirt-tale that is hanging out. Your success rate is going to be higher, but they’re probably going to find it as soon as they sit down. On the other hand, you could go for something a little tougher, like a fold in the shirt that is sticking out higher up, but then you’re running the risk of pinching the shirt or pulling something tight, which might get you caught.

It’s a game that takes minutes to learn, but years to master.

When I was a kid, we pretty much played this game nonstop. There was always a clothespin in the mix somewhere. Nothing is funnier than sending your mom off to her big meeting, or your sister off to school for her big report, with a clothespin on her back. The problem was, we had a whole bag of clothespins hanging on the back of the door to the stairs. So there could really be any number of clothespins active at any one time. I remember laughing hysterically (and pseudo-silently) as mom took her coat off in church with no less than seven clothespins on her back! And there is no joy greater than having your brother gleefully point out the clothespin he just stuck on somebody, when you know that you just added a third clothespin onto his back.

This game is, of course, where we get that old chestnut of wisdom: if you don’t see the clothespin on anybody’s back, it’s probably on yours.

Of course I had no choice but to teach this to my children. At first Evie was comically bad at it, but lately she has gotten pretty good. It takes a lot of patience, and she is still learning that. But she’s gotten me a few times recently without me knowing it. Oliver must have seen us playing, because two times I have caught him trying to put one on me (he doesn’t even know how to work the thing!). So I’m pretty sure he’ll be playing before too long.

So next time you see a clothespin on someone in public, just smile and play along. Don’t tell them! And if you get home from our house and find a little “gift” on your back, feel free to try to “return” it next time you’re here!

Things That Annoy Me, Christmas Edition

/ Shane / Leave a comment
  1. The Christmas Story really glosses over the whole “childbirth in a manger” thing. Mary’s looking pretty good (and clean) considering she just finished giving birth with no anesthesia. Big smile on her face, clean clothes. I guess they swept out the bloody straw and replaced it with new stuff? Washed the place up with all the water you found in the desert? One of the stories said she “brought forth her baby” as if she pulled it out from under her dress or something. And, aside from the fact that baby Jesus was apparently a blonde, white kid, he is pictured as being at least a year old. You’re telling me he sat up to greet the shepherds with a smile on his face an hour after he was born? In some of the pictures, he has teeth!
  2. At work, someone asked if it was okay to put up a Christmas tree. “I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t offend anyone,” she said, making it pretty clear what she thought about people who didn’t like Christmas trees. Now, I’m all for Christmas trees. But why bother asking me, if you’ve made it clear I can’t say no? Just put it up. I’d be more offended at your tone about people who are offended by Christmas trees, than I would about the actual Christmas tree.
  3. Rebates. In theory, I’m totally down with rebates. I  understand the game is that some people will buy something based on the price after rebate, but then they won’t send it in. So, from the company’s point of view, it might work out better than just putting the item on sale. But, if someone does send in their rebate, then you have to pay them. You make your money on the people who don’t send them back, you don’t get to also keep the money for the people who do! Rebates are so scammy. And in what world does it take 12 weeks to “process” the rebate?? If you really cared about doing a for-real rebate, you’d put the entry online and you’d get the check back in a week, 2 weeks max. Anything else, and you’re hoping people forget they sent it in, “accidentally” losing a few a long the way. I would love for someone to investigate this. I bet they just throw a certain percentage in the trash.
  4. “Deals”. Everywhere you look, in every store, prices are slashed! Hurry, hurry, hurry, buy now, super Christmas savings! Never mind that almost none of the things on sale are needed by anybody. Thank you so much for marking down your cheap plastic garbage that you made for 1¢ in China and marketed to kids as the next big thing to only $15! What a deal! Quit doing me the favor.
  5. When the parents in books have to “get up early” on Christmas morning at 6 a.m. Look, if you’re blessed with kids that don’t wake up until after 6, no complaining! No illustrated eye rolling! If you can’t get up by 6 a.m. once a year on Christmas morning, then you can bite me.

Plague House

/ Shane / 1 Comment

DO NOT ENTER!

I know it is that time of year, but at the moment we seem to be over our limit as far as infection goes.

We have all been snotty and coughing for quite awhile. Sort of run of the mill stuff, just colds. Starting yesterday, it really took a turn for the worst. Poor Ollie just got hit like a ton of bricks. Double ear infections and conjunctivitis (a.k.a. “pink eye”) in both eyes, on top of the cold he already had. It’s like his whole head just dissolved into a goo. He leaves face prints on everything he touches. It’s less like a sickness and more like being cursed by a gypsy.

I really thought there was nothing sadder than seeing a a little kid with a bad cold, but then I saw Ollie with conjunctivitis. Hoo boy! This morning his eyes had literally swelled shut. At dinner last night, Evie couldn’t stop sobbing just looking at him. “He doesn’t look like Ollie!” she cried. He really did look that bad. We had to keep her from touching his eyes, because she was determined to help him see by manually opening his eyes with her fingers.

If that wasn’t enough, when I went to pick up Evie from school yesterday, it turns out she has an ear infection as well! Keep in mind that I have been feeling terrible on top of all of this. So when I woke up this morning and my left eye was too gummed over to open, I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” At least my conjunctivitis is so far contained to my left eye. I can function on some human level, so I need only look over at Oliver to realize that I really have no right to complain.

Only Sara seems to be untouched. I can only assume she made some kind of deal with the devil for her good fortune. For the rest of us, we’re just trying to keep Evie from catching pink eye.