My So Called Life

Mournful Mouse

/ Shane / Leave a comment

We received a very strange book by the name of “The Adventures of Mournful Mouse”.

At first it seemed pretty cool; Sara’s Grandma bought this book from a lady who self-published it almost 50 years ago and sold it in the grocery store. It’s like a piece of literary history (and autographed too)! However, as you start to read it, there is something a little…strange about the book.

So let’s play a little game: I will show you the pages of the book, and you can read along. Out loud if you please.

We start off with a bang, right on the title page. Is that a pool of blood? Are we looking at some kind of murder scene? A fresh one too, based on the blood which is still dripping down. Maybe it’s supposed to be the tears of Mournful Mouse, who is sad because he CRIES BLOOD. Or maybe he cries when he thinks of all the people he’s murdered, I don’t know.

Okay, here’s where we start to notice the weirdness, especially if you’re reading out loud. Each page starts with a certain sing-song pattern, like a poem, only to end on a non-conforming last line, which neither rhymes, nor fits the meter of the paragraph. It’s like a maniac stole the book and finished all the last lines of the poems, mad-lib style. And they’re all in caps, as if to highlight the discrepancy, or possibly because the maniac who wrote the last line never talks, only screams his words like a lunatic.

My favorite thing to do with this book is to watch people read it out loud. They automatically fall into the rhythm of the book, and then try to enforce that rhythm on that last line. There’s just this look of confusion that comes over them, like “Did I make a mistake somehow? Did I miss the rhyme? Or maybe I mispronounced it, and sorrow should rhyme with friend? Am I supposed to talk really fast so that all these words fit?”

So does the “ANYTIME” box allow you to time travel, go to any time you want? That’s what the name would imply, but no, it takes you to “ANYPLACE” instead. So is it a teleportation device? Maybe it’s a Puzzlebox from hell, and the Triangle Man is some kind of Cenobite? I’m going to go with teleportation device, since the destination is clearly labeled as being in the United States. (or at least the text says the button is labeled, because I don’t see any labels in the picture. Maybe the writing is very tiny.)

Yes, that is angles, not angels. You will quickly see that this is not a typo! I love to watch people read “angle” and then go back and correct themselves to “angel” before getting to the next page. Just when you think this book is weird enough, we take a true trip into the surreal. Maybe the “ANYTIME” box is just full of drugs.

You know, I want to take a minute to ask why is the main character of a children’s book can barely contain his suicidal depression. Did that really seem like a good quirk for the protagonist of a kid’s book? And why are the Angles named things like Nosey, Brainy, and Hardwork? I was expecting something a little more like 90, 180 and 270.

Never ride with strange Angles my friend. So the book is supposed to teach us geometry? Or maybe the lesson is “there’s no place like home”? (I’m assuming Elmwood Lane and Hilltop House are where he lives, although that hasn’t really been mentioned anywhere. To be fair, this is book 2 of a series, so I’m sure the author assumed book 1 had already been wildly successful at this point.)

This “trip” ain’t over with yet, Mournful ol’ pal, because the moon (who is not made of angles, I’m just sayin’) is trying to eat your tail! Now, I can’t help but notice that the moon is in a different position when he gets home. Does this imply time travel? Perhaps inter-dimensional travel? But I thought “ANYTIME” was in the U.S.?

OH SHIT, LOOK OUT! THE CARNIVOROUS MOON FOLLOWED YOU HOME! Perhaps in the previous picture it just had it’s back turned. Hey, wait a minute, the last line rhymed! Where’d that come from? Okay, wait, I thought he learned his lesson that there’s no place like home? Five minutes with Grandma and he’s ready to jet again. Grandma’s such a buzz kill.

Apparently you need to “know the Angles” in order to operate the box. We didn’t see Mournful actually learning any geometry, so I guess when you meet the Angles they somehow implant information into your brain about how to compute the complex geometry required for star travel. But wait, don’t you just push a button? Where do the Angles even come into it?

I don’t know man, but there you have it. The long strange trip known as Mournful Mouse and the Anytime Box.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

/ Shane / 6 Comments

Not too long ago I finished reading the Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larson, more commonly known by the title of the first book in the series, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I actually have a reason for not blogging this sooner, in that Sara is still reading the final book. I am especially sensitive about releasing spoilers to her, since while she was in the middle of the first book, I inadvertently revealed a huge plot point ruining the entire mystery of the book. It was roughly equivalent to someone walking up to you in the middle of the Sixth Sense and saying, “Isn’t it crazy that Bruce Willis is a ghost?” So I think this post should be pretty spoiler-free.

The hype about the books was well deserved, they were great. However, at the same time, they were totally not what I was expecting. Even though I’m pretty late to the party (as usual), I really didn’t know much about the books. I think I had seen the movie trailer, so I had some vague notion that it was a shoot-‘um-up action movie. Therefore, I was a little surprised when it turned out to be something of a slow developing financial thriller! In fact, the aforementioned “girl with the dragon tattoo” is not even really the main character for most of the first and last books.

Please don’t take the previous two statements as criticisms of the books, because they are not. I was surprised, but in no way displeased. A slow developing novel can be a really good thing if done right, because it gives you time to really invest in a character, which makes you care about them more. This was done right. And don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of action: over the course of the books there are serial killers (plural), spies, drug running biker gangs, corrupt government officials, prostitution rings, deviant sexual behavior, and plenty of dead bodies, to say nothing of financial misappropriation on a grand scale.

You could say the tone is a little dark.

I had heard there was something bad, or gruesome in the first book, and that some people who read it weren’t sure if their wives would be able to handle it. It is important to note that the literal translation of the title is not “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” but rather, “Men who Hate Women”. Sure enough, I found that to be an appropriate title for the entire trilogy, because the entire series stands as a testament to fighting some pretty extreme violations of women’s rights. In particular there are some extremely uncomfortable moments in the first book that involve a man abusing his position of power over a woman in about the worst way possible. It’s probably worse than you’re imagining, and not for the faint of heart.

Therefore, I was a bit hesitant to recommend this to Sara. Not because I didn’t think she could handle it, and not even because I don’t think she would enjoy reading something so dark (although she doesn’t usually choose such). No, I hesitated because whenever we see anything that involves men being jerks, I seem to take the full responsibility for my gender. (Case in point, she didn’t talk to me for several days after we watched North Country.) Not to worry though, she seems to be enjoying the books well enough.

The first book stands alone from the other two, and is a little different. I preferred the second book to the first. It seemed like it got ramped up a little faster, and was a little more action packed. More Tom Clancy to the first book’s John Grisham.

Overall, highly recommended (but you already knew that, because everybody’s been talking about them since about forever).

I haven’t seen the movies, but everybody says they’re good. I’d probably watch them if I had them here in front of me, but honestly I don’t feel much of a draw to see them. I read the story, enjoyed it, and now it’s kind of done, you know?

One last note, I noticed as I was reading that Mr. Larsson seems to be very meticulous about certain details, particularly product names. There is one section, I think in The Girl Who Played With Fire, involving a very large shopping trip to IKEA in which every product is identified and named. I got a big chuckle out of this, because if you’ve spent as much time at IKEA as I have, then you will absolutely recognize all the product names.

This was also true when it came to meticulous street and neighborhood names. By the end of the 3rd book, I was absolutely sure I could navigate my way around Stockholm with no problem (but just in case you can’t, you can always check out the Millennium Trilogy map on Mr. Larsson’s website).

I did have one problem with the books, though. Has anyone in the history of the earth drank as much coffee? It was central to every scene, someone is always pouring the coffee, drinking coffee, going to a cafe for coffee, or getting up to put the coffee on. Coffee is made in coffee pots, in fancy espresso machines, and boiled directly in a pot on the stove. I don’t know if this was just a tick of Mr. Larsson’s writing style, something he falls back on to set the scene, or if Swedish people just drink a metric ton of coffee.

If you haven’t read the books yet, try not to notice all the coffee drinking now. Good luck with that.

Special bonus picture!

/ Shane / Leave a comment

Who are those handsome devils?

Uncle David, my dad, and Uncle Jimmy, taken on my parents' wedding day

Would you look at all that hair!

A portrait of the author as a young man

/ Shane / 4 Comments

In the last picture, you will notice I am clutching a hot dog in my sleep. Every time they tried to take it from me, I would wake up and strenuously object, so they let me keep it. I guess you get away with all kinds of things when you’re little, because these days Sara objects if I try to snuggle with my pork chop.

The Neti Pot

/ Shane / 2 Comments

I have very small sinuses. Because of this, any cold or illness always, always, always ends up being a sinus issue. Combined with my terrible allergies, I probably spend 25% of my life with some combination of a sinus headache, a stuffed nose, and irritated, watery eyes.

“You should get a neti pot!”, said everybody everywhere all the time. “It’s great! When your sinuses feel bad, you just shoot boiling hot salt water directly into your brain cavity, and then you’ll feel better, because when you’re done you’ll be thinking ‘I might have a sinus headache, but at least I don’t have boiling hot salt water in my brain cavity anymore!'”

Everybody swears by these things, and they sound like a classic case of the cure is worse than the disease to me. Sara has been trying to get me to do this since forever, in fact, just this weekend I had multiple people urging me to try it out next time my allergies were acting up. Just the thought of warm water wooshing around my sinuses makes me want to kill myself. “I would rather die then try a neti pot,” I swore.

The next day I bought a neti pot.

It was only about $12, so Sara talked me into it. IF I was ever going to try one of these torture devices (and that’s a big IF), it would only happen if I happened to have one on hand at the exact minute that I needed it. Otherwise, my sinus-induced moment of weakness would pass, and there’d be no second chance. It turns out, that sinus-induced moment of weakness came sooner than I expected.

The VERY NEXT DAY I came down with some sort of sinus-superflu that got worse and worse throughout the day until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was actually looking forward to using the neti pot when I got home. (that’s how bad it was!)

In short, in the span of two days I went from, “I’d rather die than use a neti pot!” to “lets put a picture of me using the neti pot on the Internet!”

Me: “I can’t believe I’m putting this picture on the Internet.”
Sara: “I know, look at how little hair you have.”

Okay, so the neti pot wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t as bad as I feared. It certainly cleaned out a ton of gunk from up there (something you really should be prepared for, like with a kleenex or something, the way I wasn’t). However, it was very salty, went in my mouth and down my shirt, and only lasted for about 5 minutes before my sinuses filled back up again. Was it worth it? I really don’t know. I guess some days I go the entire day without my sinuses clearing a single time, so I guess having them clear for 5 minutes would be a plus. On the other hand, it seemed like a lot of effort and general unpleasantness for only 5 minutes in the clear.

So it might be worth it, however, I’m not sure it would be worth it just to clear out the allergens if my sinuses weren’t completely blocked. I guess it was okay enough that I’ll give it another shot if the situation called for it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my sinuses are about to explode.