My So Called Life

Summer Vacation

/ Shane / 1 Comment

We’ve been up to so much lately, I can’t fit it all in one post. Oh boy, where to even start.

We had some visitors from far off Buffalo, as Alexis and her three kids Ayla, Jackson, and Elliot stopped by for a few nights on the way through Chicago (unfortunately Gregory couldn’t get off work). We haven’t seen Alexis in years, and in fact, we had never met Elliot and they had never met Oliver. So it was really great to see them again.

Adding three more young kids to the mix with only one extra adult kind of added a surreal sense of bedlam to our house. There were kids everywhere! While us adults might have needed an adjustment period to get used to all the extra kids, the kids themselves did not, and were quickly playing together like old friends or cousins. I think Oliver in particular really appreciated having a few boys around his age to play with. Mostly he is around Evie’s friends, who tend to be girls and tend to be older.

After that, we again spent the 4th of July at Sara’s Uncle Randy’s lake. No tubing for me after last year’s debacle, but Evie and Ollie once again absolutely loved the water.

Evie did a little tubing and both did a little boat driving. It was very difficult to get them out of the water, but then again, it was difficult to get anybody out of the water considering it was sweltering hot even in the shade. I am happy to report we haven’t had any sunburns yet this entire summer!

Afterwards we stayed a few nights at Sara’s cousin Lisa’s house. Or perhaps I should say Lisa’s farm, since they are quickly moving in that direction. Since the last time we were there, they’ve added 2 pigs, about 10 kittens, and 2 baby goats to their already impressive 2 cows, 3 dogs, and half a dozen chickens. Word on the street is they’re getting ready to add about 30 more chickens!

I thought the baby goats would steal the show (who doesn’t want to feed bottles to adorable baby goats?) but the kids (and Sara!) mostly went in for the kittens. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a horde of kittens can literally float you away on a tide of cuteness, but we’re talking about bottle fed baby goats! We already have a cat at home.

Both kids were dying to hold kittens (who were very friendly), but Oliver needed some help in grabbing one. Once he had it, he wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it. He just sort of squeezed it, forcing it to stay but not exactly petting it. This did not lessen his excitement about having a kitten in his lap.

However, if she had to pick one animal, I think Evie would pick teenage girls as her all time favorite playmate. Kaycee, thanks again, and double this time since you had Oliver tagging along as well!

Confessions of a Failed Cook

/ Shane / 1 Comment

On this, the day of my 8th anniversary to my lovely wife, I would like to talk about one of my failings, and one of the reasons why she must never leave me (or maybe one of the reasons why she might want to leave me). No two ways about it, I am a terrible cook.

This happens to be one of Sara’s strong suites, so it works out pretty well. One of those complimentary things that makes marriage work I guess. On the other hand, since cooking comes pretty naturally to her, I think my inability to cook is somewhat baffling to her.

When I say that I can’t cook, I don’t mean that I am unable to cook, and certainly I don’t mean that I don’t want to cook. But for some reason, I am just bad at it, and apparently cannot improve past my current sorry ability. Inevitably there is always some kind of disaster that leaves something wrong with the meal. Either something is burned, or something is under-cooked. Either an ingredient was left out, or accidentally doubled. All of it with equal likelihood. I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly that I do wrong, but somehow, it always turns out wrong.

Every time I cook it always seems like a one time thing that didn’t work out. “Oh, well this burned because I had to deal with such and such at just the wrong moment,” or, “Well, of course that didn’t turn out, but there were extenuating circumstances!”, etc. But there’s always a one time thing, every time, so at some point I have to admit that it’s never going to work out.

First off, I get flustered in the kitchen. Suddenly I have terrible time management and multi-tasking abilities for no reason. It’s like I can’t manage two things at once, even though I normally don’t have a problem with that. It doesn’t even seem like it should be that hard, but then again, maybe I just feel uncomfortable in the kitchen because I know it is going to turn out wrong somehow.

I honestly think that it is a culmination of all the little things that go into cooking that I just don’t have a gut feel for. Some parts of the recipe you can play around with a little bit, and some you can’t. Some measurements can be loose, some must be precise. Some things can be left to sit on the stove for a minute, and some must be watched very carefully. I consistently misjudge which is which. I don’t understand standard measuring conversions. I think I’m also impatient with cooking, which leads to me skipping tedious but important steps. I don’t take the time to chop things fine enough, or to let the pan heat up enough, or I turn the burner up too high, which doesn’t give the middle enough time to cook. I forget to set the timer, I use the wrong utensil/pot/substitution for the job, and I don’t have a fundamental feel for how long things need to microwave. Whatever it is, I think I just consistently make a thousand tiny little mistakes which culminate in some larger mistake.

But that’s the part that is frustrating to both me and Sara: why don’t I just stop doing that? All of these things seem like the kind of mistakes you make when you’re just learning to cook. With enough experience, you should be able to move past that, right? But at this point in my life, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m just not ever going to get any better.

I suppose that cooking is a skill, and it stands to reason that some people are better at some things, so there must be some people who are worse at some things. But it’s frustrating because cooking basic meals doesn’t seem like such a hard skill, and I think the vast majority of people are able to master it up to at least a certain level.

I much prefer baking, which is more like performing chemistry then cooking. Ingredients are added precisely according to a recipe, and if you always follow that recipe exactly, you will always get the same result. There is usually only limited opportunity for error: it’s not particularly dependent on timing, and the heat is constant and controlled by a computer chip in the oven. So, there’s less pressure, and consequently I enjoy it more.

I suppose all of this makes me sound like some kind of cooking half-wit who’s lucky not to stab himself in the eye while boiling water. That’s not really the case. Instead, I would say that I specialize in making delicious meals with one flaw each. (How does that go? Imperfection is beauty?) But, whether I am passable at it or not, I can safely say I do not enjoy cooking, that is for sure.

So, cooking, I think this is it. It’s just not working out. We’ve had some good times, but at the end of the day we just weren’t made for each other.

I finally realized, it’s not you, it’s me.

Poison Ivy – An Education

/ Shane / 5 Comments

I am very allergic to poison ivy. I have had it so often, multiple times per summer when I was growing up, and bad enough to need medicine several times. Once, I had poison ivy (I’m guessing) on my face so bad that my eyes swelled shut. I think I can confidently say that I have as much reason to hate poison ivy as anybody on this earth.

And yet, I can’t identify it.

You’d think that I would have this burned into my brain, since it’s almost a matter of survival with me. I have been shown a million times what it looks like, and yet I couldn’t tell you what it looks like, or point to it if I saw it. I would swear to you that I have been shown different things by different people.  The only thing I can tell you is, “Leaves of three, leave it be!” So that narrows it down to about everything in the forest.

And this is just for poison ivy! What about the more exotic things, like poison oak or poison sumac? Well, here’s a little something that will blow your mind: the other day I discovered that poison ivy is the same thing as poison oak. They’re different kinds of poison ivy that grow in different parts of the U.S.

So after eyeing every plant at The Haven suspiciously, I decided to sit down and finally figure this out. Nobody has gotten poison ivy there yet, but for all I know the entire thing is infested with this terrible scourge. So here, without further ado, is an actual picture of what these things look like:

Except it’s not. Because the more you look into it, it turns out that there are hundreds and hundreds of variations on what they look like. So it turns out that everybody’s right, because each instance of the plant looks totally different from all the others. It looks like everything: it’s a shrub, it’s a vine, basically it’s just a leaf. The only thing you can depend on is that it’s green (except when it’s red). So that narrows it down.

So guess what? Even after all my research, I’m *still* never going to be able to identify it. However, my research did manage to make me even more frightened of the stuff. According to the CDC, “When exposed to 50 micrograms of urushiol [the substance produced by these plants], an amount that is less than one grain of table salt, 80 to 90 percent of adults will develop a rash. ” And this article provided me with the frightening sentence, “Using a chain saw to cut down such a tree produces flying poisonous sawdust”. Flying poisonous sawdust! Lovely.

Did I mention how allergic to this stuff I am? I’m getting itchy just writing this.

B’Gabs Goodies

/ Shane / 1 Comment

This is a post that is long, long overdue.

Down the block from our house is a wonderful place known as B’Gabs Goodies.

Gab’s is not just vegetarian, but is in fact a “Raw Vegan Deli” with the tagline “It’s not the food in your life it’s the life in your food”. In addition to serving up raw vegan food, they also sell spices, and some really fantastic smoothies.

(I don’t have any pictures of Gab’s, but you can see many good ones over at WTF Vegan Food) (That’s WTF as in “Will Travel For” Vegan Food, not WTF as in what non-vegans say when looking at vegan food)

More important than the food selection though, is the people who work there. I can’t stress this enough. It’s family run (including a brand new co-owner, baby Hudson), and they make you feel like you are part of the family. Evie is like the Norm of B’Gabs, where everybody knows her name and they’re always glad she came. We try to make it there pretty often, because we’d hate to see it go the way of the previous tenant in that space, the Backstory Cafe.

But you don’t have to take my word for it, there are plenty of glowing reviews on Yelp, including one by Sara:

I saw this was up on Groupon today, so I was motivated to finally sign up and write a post.

B’Gabs Goodies is a smoothie/raw vegan restaurant (small) and spice and herb store (very large selection) just a block away from us in Woodlawn (just south of Hyde Park and the University of Chicago).  Gab, Ron, Marley, and James are so sweet and we make it a point to try to stop in weekly, as we were very sad to see the last business in this location close due to financial concerns.

So, the smoothies are fantastic (just ask my kids who like all sorts of combinations and especially love them with carrot juice) and the herb selection is great–I have bought oregano (excellent price and tastes great), cinnamon sticks (also an excellent price and I’m looking forward to using them), and chia (a little on the steep side compared to online/Costco/etc. but I highly doubt any stores within the next 5 miles carry it).

They also have a booth at the weekly farmers market on Saturdays at E 61st St and S Dorchester!

(Oh, and if you’re having trouble finding it, go to E 61st St and S Dorchester and walk east along 61st.  Turn right at the end of the street.  Yes, it seems like you are in an alley, but the correct door is the first place on your right.  You will enter in the restaurant area, then the door to the store is to the left.)

(It should also be noted that, after Sara’s review, they adjusted the price of chia)

So we’ve been going there since forever, why am I just getting around to writing this now? Well, because I finally sat down and had a meal there, and it was excellent.

Mostly, Sara and the kids go without me, and mostly they just get smoothies with the occasional dessert. However, B’Gabs recently extended their hours for summer, so we decided to check it out for dinner one night.

Now, like a lot of people, I’m not really that familiar with raw food options. However, they understand that, so Gab’s is a “judge free zone”. They know that eating raw is new to most people, so they’re happy to help or answer questions. You don’t have to feel embarrassed if you’re not sure about something. They’re excited about healthful food, and happy to talk about it. They’re happy you’re there, willing to try it out.

So for me, I went into it for the experience, like I would any new type of food. I’m always up for trying something different. I had a burger (which was of course not a burger), which also came with an absolutely wonderful salad and a side. I chose kimchi. Everything was different, interesting, and yummy. I am neither a vegetarian, nor vegan, nor a raw foodist, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. So if you do happen to be some or all of those things, then I guess this place would probably be heaven.

I don’t know if you can find better raw vegan food in the city. Certainly, *I* couldn’t find better. But I do for sure know that you can’t find friendlier owners than Gab and Ron.

And tell ‘um Evie and Ollie sent you.

Bacon, now in poetry form

/ Shane / Leave a comment

When you publish a post, WordPress will automatically add “related post” hyperlinks at the bottom, with the idea that people might like to browse from related topic to related topic. Kind of like when you get stuck watching related videos on youtube for hours and hours.

I generally hate the idea.

The problem is that the “auto-generator” usually creates links that are barely related at best, and also tends to give the impression that I have intentionally linked in these posts, or endorsed them in some way. If I’m going to link to something, I’ll link to it. So I disabled the feature.

However, I recently got a ping-back on my Baconfest posts from Salut! Adventures, who had written an honest to goodness bacon poem. Now that’s a related link! In fact, it’s not just a bacon poem, but an awesome bacon poem, which I will now present to you. Although I didn’t write it, I wish I had. Enjoy.

The Vegan – A Baconfest Poem

Once upon a morning dreary, in my bathrobe, wan and weary,

I stood and gazed forlornly at my open icebox door.

There was no breakfast for the makin’, no smoky hardwood bacon,

And it seemed that I would soon be schlepping towards the corner store.

Schlepping sadly to the store.

But then there came a tapping, an annoying kind of rapping

On the wooden frame that stands around my humble kitchen door.

‘Twas my pink and chubby neighbor, come to ask of me a favor,

Come to borrow almond flavor that he knew I had in store.

Only this and nothing more.

“What’s the worry?  Why the hubbub?” asked the portly little cherub,

As he watched me grab my house keys and walk ‘cross the kitchen floor.

I explained I had no bacon, and the toll that it was takin’

As I gave him almond extract and I showed him towards the door.

Showed him firmly towards the door.

“That’s no problem, said my neighbor, “You can get the same great flavor

From the tofu products you can buy at any health food store.

We vegans really love it, and you too will be fond of it,

Really, going without bacon is not that much of a chore.

Not too terrible a chore!”

“Ye Gods!” I spat and sputtered, and some expletives were muttered

As I wrestled with my neighbor like a warring Carnivore.

In a rage I hit and pounded , until suddenly astounded,

I saw a curly, porcine tail slip out onto the kitchen floor.

‘Twas a pig! And nothing more.

An hour later I was sated, with my bacon crave abated,

And I never even had to journey to the corner store.

My freezer now is packed with pounds of bacon, neatly stacked

Enough to last through summertime, and maybe even more.

And my neighbor?  Nevermore.