My So Called Life

Who needs sleep? (Well, you’re never gonna get it)

/ Shane / 2 Comments

So it is no big secret that Evie has not been much of a sleeper.  Can you imagine going 14 months straight without ever sleeping through the night?  Me neither, despite just going through that.  You know, it is what it is, but I do feel a little annoyed when I hear other parents complaining that their child didn’t sleep through the night until 5 months, etc.  And I’m not talking 1 time either, I think she averaged waking up about 4 times a night right up until a month ago.  Even that was something of an improvement though…back around 3 or 4 months, she was waking up every 40 minutes like clockwork.

So Evie’s sleep troubles are not something that I discuss very much with people.  I’ve discovered that in some cases talking about parenting is like talking about politics.  People can have really strong opinions about things and talking about them will not only not convince them to change their mind, but it may cost you a friendship.  Much like with politics I find it very interesting but just easier to not talk about, especially because like with politics I think my opinions on the matter do not strictly follow the majority.  However, after having the success of the last month or so, I want to put this out there to potentially help anybody else who is in the same boat as we were.

So I guess let me start by saying that being a parent is very hard.  You get so much advice from everywhere and it is especially difficult to follow your instincts when it contradicts that advice.  One thing that I’ve learned from books and articles is that much of the “common knowledge” about parenting is folk lore and old wives tales and is usually outright wrong or at the very least not the best way of doing things.  This is especially true of a lot of the info that is passed down from generation to generation and much of that knowledge actually doesn’t go back as far as you think it does.  Also, when compared with most of the world, the U.S. in particular has some very odd ways of doing things when it comes to babies.  But no matter how much you might research a topic and form opinions, you are really sailing on uncharted waters and it is impossible not to second guess yourself.  And this is a person’s life you’re talking about, so it is not really conducive to trial and error.  There are no do-overs.

So our story starts with two main controversial issues; co-sleeping and the “crying it out” method of teaching.  For the first part, Evie started the night in her own bed.  The first time she woke up after we went to bed, she was brought into our bed with us.  Some people are horrified by this for some reason, but I’m not sure why.  Certainly it started as a convinience thing because it was easier to feed her all the times she woke up at night.  But eventually it started to be a strain on both us and her and we suspected that we were keeping her awake as much as she was keeping us awake.

Now everybody’s advice immediately was that Evie would never learn to be independent or sleep by herself unless we allowed her to “cry it out” for a couple hours.  I think every parent’s gut instinct tells them that is the wrong thing to do, but I can certainly understand them falling to the peer pressure.  We didn’t receive too many comments, but we received enough to “know” that we were more or less pampering and babying our child by “rushing in right away to pick her up.”  We started receiving warnings to let her cry it out as early as 2 months old which, in retrospect, was rediculous.  She clearly didn’t have the mental capability to learn any lessons at that age.

The crying it out method doesn’t make sense to me for a couple of reasons.  First, it seems wholly unlikely that, as a species, this is the only way to develop healthy sleeping habits.  I just can’t imagine cave men sitting around going, “Let Ug cry out.  It only way she learn.  Hope no sabertooth tiger hear her.”  It seems like a wholly unnatural thing and if every parent’s gut instinct is that it is wrong (instincts honed over millions of years) , then it probably is.  Second, how can it be that there is only one correct path when it comes to teaching your child to sleep?  Any skill has probably billions of ways it can be learned, except this one?  This one has to be learned this specific way.  All other skills a baby learns by watching you except this one in which she needs to be tortured and punished.  And what lesson are you trying to teach your child anyway?  That they can’t trust you because you won’t come when they call?  I’m not saying it is not an effective way to teach.  It obviously works for, well, everybody.  But if a kinder and gentler way could be found, then I am willing to put in a little extra work to ensure that my daughter could learn sleeping skills in such a way that didn’t involve her passing out from terror and / or anger.  I think that’s fair.

Okay, so at this point we know that we need to do something about her sleeping and we have decided not to let her cry it out despite everyone (EVERYONE) insisting this was the only way to go.  After a couple of false starts, this is the method we used.  And it was surprisingly effective!  After 14 months to have her sleeping 9 hours straight within two weeks seemed like a miracle.  Some of these steps sort of blend together because in some cases they all sort of need to happen at once.

1) Feeding her before her bath

Originally I would give Evie her bath and then hand her off to Sara who would nurse her to sleep.  So the first step was to have Sara feed her before I gave Evie a bath.  In fact, it works best if Evie doesn’t see Sara at all from bath time until the next morning if you want to avoid a sob-fest.

2) Getting her to fall asleep in her crib

Previously we always put Evie to sleep by rocking her in the chair and singing and patting her back.  Of course we periodically made declarations like, “From now on don’t pick her up when she wakes up! Just pat her on the back or something!” but it never worked.  Eventually we would pick her up because she would just be crying so hard.  Also, we sometimes tried to put her in her crib so she could get “acclimated” to being in there, but it didn’t seem to make a difference.  So imagine my surprise when one night I randomly tried putting her in the crib and reading to her and she just fell asleep!  So I guess the moral of the story is just try something and see if it works!  Now sometimes at first it took her a lot longer to fall asleep this way, so I decided I needed a really big book because I could read about 30 of her really short books in that amount of time.  We have this collection of Winnie the Pooh stories, so I started reading those.  This ended up working so well that now she begs for “Pooh!” even when she is pretending to go “night night” with her teddy bear.  We’ve restarted the book a 2nd time and I have had to make up many Pooh stories when we have been traveling and didn’t have the book with us.

3) Night weaning

Okay, so far so good, we have her falling asleep in her crib.  But she’s still waking up about 4 times a night (which may actually be an improvement believe it or not).  The next step was removing her midnight snacks.  Like I said it is easier if she doesn’t see Sara at all because it is too tempting.  I think she was waking up naturally and then thinking, “Hey, I’m awake, I might as well get something to eat…” and that was causing her to wake up all the way.  So, we had to make her know eating at night was off limits.

4) Not picking her up

Now we were well on our way; time for the final push.  Now we had to somehow keep from picking her up.  For this part I just had to bite the bullet.  I would put her to bed and when she woke up the first time (usually around midnight) I would go in to her room and sleep the rest of the night on the floor.  Then, whenever she woke up (and the first few nights, this was a LOT) I would be right there to sing her to sleep before she was too awake.  There were a few times when I had to pick her up because she was crying too hard, but I was actually really surprised at how quickly this started working!  I thought there was no way she’d go back to sleep without picking her up, but I guess the combination of knowing she wasn’t going to eat or see Sara and being used to falling asleep in her crib without being held was enough.  One thing I learned was to steel my nerves.  Often just when I thought, “Okay, I just have to pick her up” she would stop crying and fall asleep 2 seconds later.

Now I know what you’re saying.  “Isn’t that the same as letting her cry it out?”  I guess to some degree it is.  It was certainly heartbreaking to listen to her sob, “mommy mommy mommy” and Sara not being able to come to her.  I’m not saying it wasn’t hard and that there wasn’t some crying, but when she was crying I was there with her to comfort her and to get through a rough and scary time together with her, not abandoning her to do it alone.  It was certainly different than the classic idea of parents wringing their hands outside of the door as their child cries for hours at a time.

I guess at the end of the day, it’s kind of like a diet.  There may be many fancy names and techniques to use, but underneath they all agree on a couple of very simple principles.  There will be crying.  But I don’t think you have to be callous and harden your heart to your baby (at least not all the way).  This worked for us and if I had it to do all over again, I don’t think I would do it any other way (other than maybe trying this sooner!)  Well, actually, one thing that I would change would be to sleep on an air mattress.  Sara kept offering, but I thought it would be in the way and I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take, so I kept saying, “Surely it will only be for a few more nights, it isn’t worth the hassle!”  But, in retrospect, I had some pretty sore nights!

So after 2 short weeks we had a baby sleeping through the night in her crib.  She gets up very early (~5 a.m.) but compared to not getting an unbroken night of sleep for over a year, I am not complaining!  We had some vacation right after this and we were worried it would mess things up, but it doesn’t seem to have set us back at all.

Philly’s slammin’

/ Shane / 2 Comments 
It's long overdue and now, Philly is slammin'
(Everybody it's) Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD
The eastcoast family
Never skipped a beat, (Naw) while coolin' on South Street
Jet black Benz, plenty of friends
(And all the Philly steaks you can eat)

So after working right up to the last second and then packing right after the last second, we managed to get to the airport on time, with luggage underweight and everything.  I had been dreading the plane ride for some time because Evie doesn’t like to sit still for very long and I could just imagine having some grumpy old-timer trapped in our row as Evie howls for 2 straight hours.  In fact, it couldn’t have been more opposite!  The plane was less than half full for some reason so we had the row to ourselves.  Then, as soon as we took off, Evie fell asleep and stayed that way almost until decent.  It couldn’t have gone any better.

So, the first stop was Jersin’ it up with John and Melissa (and Rebecca).  Evie was pretty excited to play with all the new toys, especially Daisy (their dog).  Neither Evie nor Rebecca were super big on sharing, but I think it is good for her to be around other children and learn about things like who’s turn it is.  They have a cat named Butters and Evie kept calling him Nala until finally she reconciled it by saying, “Nala’s name is Butters.”  That seemed to settle it in her mind.

We went to the Barnes Foundation, which is something Sara had always wanted to do when we lived in Philly, but never got around to doing.  We had to hurry through a little bit because Evie started to get bored and stopped being appeased with finding the horses, doggies, etc.  She did have a favorite picture though, which is a real nice one for a 15 month old girl to like:

Scout Attacked by a Tiger, Henri Rousseau, 1904, oil on canvas

Scout Attacked by a Tiger, Henri Rousseau, 1904, oil on canvas

I blame it on the “cat”.  Oh, I also managed to redeem a free slice card at Peace-A-Pizza that I’ve been carrying in my wallet for 2 years.

Next up was the Camden Aquarium, which I was actually pretty impressed with.  I liked it better than Shedd.  One time at the zoo we paid extra to touch some Rays.  Here, at the aquarium, for no extra cost we were able to touch Rays, Sharks, Jelly Fish, Starfish, Sea Cucumbers and a Sea Anemone.  There were also good sharks there and a cool video about Piranhas.  Unfortunately, Evie slept in the car before we got there until we got in the car to leave!  And I had promised her sharks earlier in the day when looking at the goldfish in Petsmart, so later when we got in the car to go out to eat she was like, “Sharks! Sharks!” and I had to say, “No honey, you slept through them.”  But she did eat calamari for dinner, so it was a fishy day in general.

We went to the Please Touch Museum and I have to say, I was pretty impressed.  It blew the Chicago Children’s Museum out of the water.  Evie and Rebecca had a blast and it was a lot of fun to see them having so much fun.  We also had our first carousel ride, on a giant rabbit no less.

After that we returned our rental car and checked into our hotel.  I’d give the hotel a C+.  It was a fancy expensive hotel and that kind of worked against them.  Like, I’m usually staying at cheepie hotels where certain things aren’t even an option, but since they were an option here then I expect them to be good.  So they sort of set themselves up to fail.  It was a lot of little things.  For example, when I dropped Sara and the baby and all the luggage off the doorman who was standing right there refused to get us a luggage cart because we weren’t at the valet entrance.  Or, when Evie and I were sleeping and I put the “Do not disturb, catching some ZZZZZs” sign in the door, they elected not to knock and instead called on the phone which was vastly more disturbing.  Or, the way I called to schedule our room cleaning so it wouldn’t disrupt Evie’s nap and yet 2 out of 3 days it was outside of the 2 hour window I asked for.  Or the way our room was pretty small, especially with the crib, and we didn’t have a bath tub.  Or the way Evie got sick and we needed a humidifier but they had already given them all out and then they said they found one and brought it up, but it was really just an air purifier.

There was one thing saving them from a C, and that was the availability of toddler stuff to borrow from the front desk.  (Well, that and the coffee maker…you’ll have to ask Sara) The child bathtub was very handy (because we didn’t have a bath tub) and they had some baby soap which we forgot and Evie especially enjoyed the bounce-and-spin zebra (even if I had to assemble it myself using the file on my nail clippers in place of a screwdriver).

We had a lot of time to kill during the day and we put a lot of miles on the stroller.  Evie and I saw the Liberty Bell and the Love statue as well as City Hall, South Street, the Reading Terminal Market, the transit museum (super lame!) and a lot of other places around downtown.  I think I know that area better now than when we lived there.  We also spent a lot of time in the lobby, elevators, hallways, looking out the window, etc.  Evie couldn’t get enough “car”s, “bus”es, “taxi”es and “trolly”s and “Hi people!” from the 20th floor.  At the end of the trip I was glad because I really just had nothing else to do in that hotel or in the city around it.  Rainy days were especially problematic and really made me miss staying at John and Melissa’s!  We also hit up a few other places with mommy such as the Betsy Ross house, the Italian Market, another failed attempt at getting a tour of the Mint, and many, many delicious restaurants.  We also had time to see some friends, including Tony Vegas.

As far as the Cheesesteak Challenge, I failed miserably. 😦  My goal was to get a cheesesteak from Jim’s every day that we were in Philly.  It was like 1.3 miles from the hotel.  The first day I got Evie ready and walked all the way there, only to discover they didn’t open until 10.  Also, the entire street was under construction and nothing looked open.  So I had to walk all the way back, sans cheesesteak, and I wasn’t sure if it was open at all or not.  I was waiting for Internet confirmation that it was open so I ended up not making it there the first day.  The second day it was nice all morning until I got ready to go at 10 and then it poured rain for the rest of the day.  “We have plenty of days left,” said Sara.  “You have obviously never had the universe conspire against you,” I said sadly.  We did eventually make it there though and I had two delicious whiz mushrooms and a yoohoo.  Perfection!

The plane ride home was almost as good as the ride there.  Plane was a little more crowded, but we still managed a row to ourselves.  Evie had a little trouble falling asleep, but after a half hour or so she stayed out the rest of the time.  I have to say, it sure is good to be home!

Quotes of the trip:

Proposition 8 protester: “Two, four, six, eight, separation church and state!”
Tony: “Now that you put it that way, I have to re-think my entire position…”

Sara: “It was too loud to hear her, but I could see her signing “more”.  I guess that’s one advantage of sign language.”

…aaand we’re back!

/ Shane / 1 Comment

I know it has been a while, and I apologize.  It has been a busy and sometimes rough time around here.

Last week we were on vacation in Philadelphia (post forthcoming) and the week before that I had a big deadline at work.  Any time I wasn’t at work I was working from home.  The two weeks before that I was suffering from lack of sleep (another post forthcoming).

So, enough with the excuses, but you’ll have to bear with me because I am still quite exhausted.  So I will try to update as soon as possible.

Life changer

/ Shane / 6 Comments

Did you ever have a life changing event?  Like perhaps you came close to death and you realize that you’ve been wasting your life?

Well, the other day I was at Baja Fresh and I went to fill up my giant, 99 cent refillable cup and I was just about to start filling when I realized I had accidentally almost filled it with diet caffeine FREE coke!  I said, “Blech”, made the face that Evie is making at the top of this blog, and moved over to the regular diet coke.  

Then, it happened.  My awakening.

Why wouldn’t I drink caffeine free?  Caffeine isn’t added for flavor.  I’m not in some situation where I need to stay awake.  Seeing as I am not a pre-teen boy anymore who thinks it is cool to drink 8 Mountain Dews and stay up all night, there really is just no reason to be putting caffeine into my body.  All the sugar (yeah right, try high fructose corn syrup, or worse) etc. is bad enough, why add more chemicals?  Why does anybody?  I don’t know.  But I made a decision right then to stop drinking caffeine pop.

I mean, I won’t be crazy about it.  I’ll drink it when I have it.  I’ll drink it if I’m driving and trying to stay awake. But I’m going to choose caffeine free from now on, when I can.  You know, the funny thing is that my mom used to always drink caffeine free diet coke and I thought that was just about the most disgusting thing I could imagine.  “Why drink pop at all?” I said.  And here I am arriving at the same point.  How did I get here?

Well, I used to think I would never drink diet pop.  Tons of people told me, “oh, once you get used to it, you won’t go back” but I told them they were crazy.  Then I switched to diet during a weight loss competition. Sure enough, when I tried to switch back I couldn’t.  Regular pop just tasted too sweet or something somehow.  I really couldn’t believe that it happened, but it did.  Then, the caffeine realization and here I am.

I don’t know, maybe I’m growing up.  But I have to think that it was some marketing ploy or something that made me think I wanted the caffeine in the first place.  What other reason could there be?  But now my eyes are opened!  Viva la revolution!

A day late and a dollar short

/ Shane / Leave a comment

So I think it is safe to say that Facebook is pretty much over with, considering I finally made a page.

My first impression is favorable.  I mean it doesn’t take much to beat myspace.  Facebook is much more focused on networking and I have to say, it is practically preternatural at finding people that I know.  As such, it is much more palatable to adults then myspace which is really probably better for pre-teens.  I guess that makes sense since it started as a college only thing.  And probably the best part about it is that you can’t customize the look at all!  Thank god.

There are some annoying things though, like the creepy way anybody who is friends with your friends can see any little thing you do (yes, I know about the privacy settings, thanks).

Anyway, I’m sure it will lose its appeal shortly, but as I said before the important thing is to be with the all the cool kids.  Already I’ve connected with long lost friends!