Get Off My Lawn!

The Barony

/ Shane / 6 Comments

Back in May, I mentioned our nefarious plot to set ourselves up as Land Barons. Well, it’s official! We bought our land!

Proud Owners

It’s amazing how everything came together. This property was not even on our radar to begin with, but after some things fell through with some of the other properties, we found the perfect place. I’m so glad things did fall through, because this place was way better than any of the other places.

Number one, it’s huge! It’s over 20 acres, which is almost 8 times bigger than we started out looking at. Second off, it’s very close to Lake Michigan, and very close to a really awesome vacation town with shopping, restaurants, and tons of festivals. Third off, it’s full of really old, tall, amazing trees (mostly oaks and pines), and is very easy to navigate around on, because there is very little undergrowth (probably due to a combination of the sandy soil and the large, shady trees. Fourth off, did I mention it’s huge?

The children immediately ran off into the woods and were never heard from again

The fact that we actually own this property now is sort of hard to wrap your head around. All of this land is ours. All of these huge old trees are now owned by us. How is such a thing even possible?

Me, taking a trophy of our conquest

At the closing today, the realtor pointed out that when we started looking for land, Oliver couldn’t even walk yet. That seems like an impossibly long time ago.

We didn’t get to spend much time on the land today, since it was raining, but we did have to go and just sort of feel it for a minute. Evie did find time to christen the land (if you know what I mean…better get used to it, there’s no bathroom facilities there!). It makes me kind of sad that there’s no real reason to go back until Spring.

So phase 1 is now complete, and now we can move on to phase 2: fortifying against the zombie apocalypse!

Things That Annoy Me, Christmas Edition

/ Shane / Leave a comment
  1. The Christmas Story really glosses over the whole “childbirth in a manger” thing. Mary’s looking pretty good (and clean) considering she just finished giving birth with no anesthesia. Big smile on her face, clean clothes. I guess they swept out the bloody straw and replaced it with new stuff? Washed the place up with all the water you found in the desert? One of the stories said she “brought forth her baby” as if she pulled it out from under her dress or something. And, aside from the fact that baby Jesus was apparently a blonde, white kid, he is pictured as being at least a year old. You’re telling me he sat up to greet the shepherds with a smile on his face an hour after he was born? In some of the pictures, he has teeth!
  2. At work, someone asked if it was okay to put up a Christmas tree. “I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t offend anyone,” she said, making it pretty clear what she thought about people who didn’t like Christmas trees. Now, I’m all for Christmas trees. But why bother asking me, if you’ve made it clear I can’t say no? Just put it up. I’d be more offended at your tone about people who are offended by Christmas trees, than I would about the actual Christmas tree.
  3. Rebates. In theory, I’m totally down with rebates. I  understand the game is that some people will buy something based on the price after rebate, but then they won’t send it in. So, from the company’s point of view, it might work out better than just putting the item on sale. But, if someone does send in their rebate, then you have to pay them. You make your money on the people who don’t send them back, you don’t get to also keep the money for the people who do! Rebates are so scammy. And in what world does it take 12 weeks to “process” the rebate?? If you really cared about doing a for-real rebate, you’d put the entry online and you’d get the check back in a week, 2 weeks max. Anything else, and you’re hoping people forget they sent it in, “accidentally” losing a few a long the way. I would love for someone to investigate this. I bet they just throw a certain percentage in the trash.
  4. “Deals”. Everywhere you look, in every store, prices are slashed! Hurry, hurry, hurry, buy now, super Christmas savings! Never mind that almost none of the things on sale are needed by anybody. Thank you so much for marking down your cheap plastic garbage that you made for 1¢ in China and marketed to kids as the next big thing to only $15! What a deal! Quit doing me the favor.
  5. When the parents in books have to “get up early” on Christmas morning at 6 a.m. Look, if you’re blessed with kids that don’t wake up until after 6, no complaining! No illustrated eye rolling! If you can’t get up by 6 a.m. once a year on Christmas morning, then you can bite me.

What is up with the Big Bang Theory?

/ Shane / 14 Comments

The Big Bang Theory. I don’t get it. It just looks so awful, I can’t even watch the commercials. And yet, it’s one of the most popular shows on television. Is it hypnotism? Mass hysteria? It feels like I can’t even get through a day without someone telling me how much I need to watch it.

Timeout to go watch some clips on youtube.

Okay, I get it, the guys on the show are nerdy, and I’m nerdy. But the humor is so over the top and stupid, like they’re just beating you over the head with it. I hate shows like that! Shouldn’t nerdy people like shows that are clever and smart, not traditional, laugh-track sitcoms? And it’s not funny every time someone says something that sounds smart (and usually isn’t, by the way…using big words doesn’t make you smart). From what I’ve seen, the formula seems to be:

  1. Person A says something sort of nerdy, usually using big words
  2. Person B, sighs, shrugs or roll their eyes at how nerdy Person A is
  3. Person A continues with their nerdery as if they are completely unaware of Person B’s reaction
  4. Person B says some sort of quip or hilarious zinger at Person A’s expense
  5. Laugh track erupts

How can anyone stand to watch that, episode after episode??

You know, the whole thing reminds me of Two and a Half Men. Somehow it continued to be the most popular show in the world, and yet, I couldn’t imagine a worse show in the universe. Now The Big Bang Theory seems to have taken over the crown.

There’s only one explanation: some kind of pod-person-replacing-mass-hypnosis. Therefore, I can never, ever, watch the show. It will obviously replace me with some sort of Big Bang Theory zombie who must convert as many other people as possible, by forcing them to watch this god-awful show.

Things that annoy me IV

/ Shane / 5 Comments
  1. When people say, “You know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” Says who? The DSM IV? Nowhere is that the definition of insanity. That doesn’t even make sense. How does that cover schizophrenia? If people are saying it as a joke, then I can get on board. But I swear to you that the people saying it honestly believe that is the textbook definition of the word insanity. And they say it like they spent 6 years getting a doctorate in psychology, and now they’re going to bust some knowledge on me.
  2. Sleeping when it’s hot. Uuuugh! Man I hate it. The bedrooms in our house have no airflow, so there’s really no way to cool them down. Even with the AC on, the bedroom will be 20 degrees hotter than the rest of the room. You just lie there and sweat and think about how uncomfortable you are. Thank god we’re getting into cool weather.
  3. Low shower heads. If you are short, this is probably something that just never occurs to you. If the water hits you somewhere between the shoulder blades, it becomes something of a difficulty to wash your hair. I have to stand there with my back in a graceful arc with my hands over my head, like a beautiful ballerina. There is no reason to put shower heads low…it’s not like it’s better for short people to have it closer to the tops of their tiny little heads. Why not start them all at the ceiling?
  4. Speaking of showers, I can’t stand having the bathroom door open when I’m taking a shower in the cold. I like very hot showers, and I want every ounce of that steam in there! This is apparently mutually exclusive with having children. Somehow Evie *never* forgets to turn the light off when she leaves the bathroom (even when you’re still in the shower), but *always* forgets to shut the door.  So now I’m standing in the cold and dark, but I guess at least nobody can see me practicing my shower ballerina moves. The irony is, the second I’m in my clothes I have to throw open the door. Ugh, it’s so hot and muggy and oppressive in there!
  5. We were shopping at the grocery store on a fairly hot day and we noticed that, although the air conditioning was cranked up to ice cold, they actually had heat in the freezer section. Can you imagine anything more despicable? Obviously they’re doing this for two reasons, #1 you’re not likely to buy ice cream if you’re freezing cold, and #2 if it’s the only warm area of the store you’re bound to linger in that section. But just think of what is going on there. You’re fighting the heat outside with air conditioning, you’re fighting your own air conditioning with a heater, and then you’re fighting that heater with your freezer to keep the ice cream cold. All to get me to buy a half gallon of vanilla? Is destroying the earth really worth it for my $6??

Simplifying Childhood for our Children

/ Shane / 2 Comments

I recently finished reading Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.

I admit this is something of a confirmation bias, since I selected a book I am predisposed to agree with, but one particular section that really resonated with me was the one that talked about simplifying a child’s environment, specifically getting rid of toys:

Is this a toy that “does” so much (this button pushes the ejector rods, this button triggers the lights, this button launches the missiles), that my child’s main involvement will be sitting there pushing buttons?

And:

By simplifying the number and complexity of our children’s toys, we give them liberty to build their own imaginary worlds. When children are not being told what to want, and what to imagine, they can learn to follow their own interests, to trust their own emerging voices. They can discover what genuinely speaks to them.

Yes. That.

I miss boredom! When I think of my childhood, I remember being bored a lot, especially on lazy summer days. This was usually followed up by the creation of some fantastic game. Now we fill kids so full of activities that they never have time to be bored, the way we were. What are they missing out on?

Toys that don’t do things can become anything, in play. When we don’t try to fill children’s minds and toy chests with prefabricated examples of “imagination,” they have more freedom to forge their own, to bring their own idea into play.

So why do we do this to our kids?

Let’s say your child has a favorite stuffed elephant who sits in a place of pride on the bed when it is not being hauled about. You and your spouse and any family member who sees this human/elephant love story can be inspired to re-create it by purchasing stuffed elephant siblings, other jungle animal cousins, or stuffed “friends” of every kind.

I tell you one thing’s for sure – after reading this I definitely don’t want Evie to have the pillow pet she’s been begging for!

This book is very thought provoking. I don’t agree with everything 100% (I’m not so sure about the chapter on talking less, even if they did use Pa from Little House as the example!), but I’d say I’m there with them on at least 95%. Worth a read for any parent out there who is interested in simplifying their and their kids’ lives!