We have come into something of a sticky situation regarding Evie’s social interaction. It has become apparent that Evie’s a part of a group at school, and there is another girl that that group doesn’t like.
After some delicate questioning, it seems that there’s really nothing about this girl that Evie doesn’t like, nonetheless, she talks about her in such disparaging tones. I have to believe that this is coming from the circle of friends (not to be a naive father or anything, I’m sure all those girl’s dads are saying the same thing). There really isn’t anybody that Evie doesn’t like (unless she has a really good reason), but it’s the thing to do to make fun of this other girl, so she does it too.
Of course, she’s too young to fully grasp what’s going on here. We’ve seen her play with the girl when her friends aren’t around, and they seem like they get along. Evie tells us she has a good time with the girl, but then later said she told her friends she didn’t have fun playing with her. She told me, “But daddy, I only said I didn’t like her when she wasn’t there!” and really thought that made it okay. I think in the back of her head though something is bothering her about it, because when I said, “Evie, I’m very disappointed in you,” she burst into tears instantly.
I really have no idea what to do about it. I’ve tried asking her how she’d feel if she were in this girl’s place. I’ve tried telling her that she shouldn’t talk about people behind their backs, but instead act as if the girl was always there, listening. I’ve tried reminding her that she does have fun with this girl, and she shouldn’t say she doesn’t like her if it’s not true. I’ve tried just about everything I could think of.
It’s kind of the worst part about childhood, and I’d really rather she didn’t participate in it. Do we just throw our hands up and say, “that’s childhood?” Is this just girls being girls? Aren’t you supposed to be older than 4 before you start getting catty with the other girls? Is this happening younger now then when we were kids?
Shane Halbach 
Funny, I just had a similar talk with Braelynn tonight. Our situation is a little different but its similar enough that it made this entry ironic. She told me tonight around our fire she didn’t like a girl at school because she had brown skin. I was quick to point out her own cousin has brown skin and that was no reason to not like someone. She suddenly changed her story to say she was mean. She and her small group of friends don’t like her. I have yet to truly unravel the reason as to why. I did tell her that if the girl was really being mean to her she should say a prayer for her because there’s something making her unhappy enough she feels she has to be mean to people. I also told her that she should be nice to her even if the girl is mean because we are supposed to love our enemies and that’s what Jesus would want her to do. She seemed pretty satisfied with that.
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Girls are brutal. Boys are mean, too, but they seem to handle it in a much more straight-forward way, like punching each other in the face. Girls, instead, pretend to be your friend, gain your trust, and then rip your heart out! My worst years were between 3rd and 6th grade. I came home crying most days because someone had written a mean note about me AND then I foolishly did the same thing to other girls when I was allowed to hang with the popular crowd. A vicious cycle.
You are giving great advice – just keep reminding Evie that it’s not okay to treat other people badly – no matter what. My parents were a little lost as how to handle my daily drama. I just finally learned it wasn’t worth it. If I only had two friends I could trust, that was enough!
Evie may have to learn these lessons the hard way – although we have to be extra careful now as parents to keep them off of the internet and cellphones. I know how traumatized I was just by notes and mean comments, I cannot imagine how nasty it gets with text messages and FB now. On a happy note, Ayla’s elementary school has an anti-bullying campaign… teaching the kids that they are part of the problem even if they just “stand by” and watching bullying happen. Who knows how effective it really is, but it gets the dialogue started.
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It can start at any age. At my school, we address bullying in early childhood, 3-5 years old and every year after. The earlier you teach the lesson the more time they have to practice and learn from the experience. I would suggest talking with the teacher to see how they are addressing and maybe if they even know about it. Go to the library, there are a wide array of books available. Find the one that you know will get the lesson across to Evie. You have taught her well and this is but just another area where she looks to you for help in solving this problem. Good luck. I have big issues in my classroom this year with the girls!
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