3 year olds…hoo boy!

Everything you’ve ever heard about a 3 year old being a tyrant is totally true. We’ve entered into a very difficult phase lately, where every minute of every day becomes an opportunity for a power struggle.

Obviously it’s all about testing limits and seeing how much power she has. Everything you ask her is, “No!” or “I won’t ever! Never ever!” She won’t eat what’s for supper. She won’t go potty. She won’t get ready to go, she doesn’t want to go. She does everything she can to pick a fight and she’s pretty good at it.

It is extremely frustrating, and not only for the obvious reasons. It turns out that she actually DOES have a lot of power. She can really make things difficult for us. And, it turns out, our aura of authority is actually quite thin when pressed.

This results in a LOT of timeouts (hence the brilliant pun in the title of this post).  But the thing is, I know that A) this behavior is completely normal (and expected) at this age, and B) this is ultimately helping her grow into her own person. So, while writing this blog post at night when she’s sleeping, it’s easy to sit back and view it with an impartial eye. However, in the moment, it is madening.

Timeouts are useful to give Sara and I time to regroup. Another useful technique is to switch off frequently between the two of us. As soon as one of us detects that the other is getting frustrated, we try to switch. It is amazing what a difference this makes for everybody: the frustrated parent gets to leave, the non-frustrated parent usually has a better, less passionate view of the situation, and Evie reacts much more positively to the new parent. Of course, she usually manages to frustrate the other parent pretty quickly, but you can only do so much.

We also try not to set her up to fail. This means getting her as much sleep as possible, and not going out in public if we can help it. She’s much easier to manage at home (she completely sees the power she can wield by having a fit in public, don’t think she doesn’t), and she tends to “show off” by demonstrating her power when other people are around.

The problem is, timeouts are becoming less effective. Part of testing limits is testing our ability to punish her. Timeouts now usually involve chasing her around while she laughs, and then her refusing to stay in timeout. (Although, it’s pretty clear that her laughter and apathy towards timeouts are just an act…she usually laughs and says, “I don’t care!’ for a few seconds before it turns into crying) We usually salvage the situation, but just barely (she says she won’t stay, and she might leave a few times, but usually she ends up staying put after all). It’s like she’s tearing the veil away and revealing that we really *don’t* have all that much power (I don’t know what we’d do if she really just wouldn’t stay in timeout. I guess that’d be the end of timeouts).

I’m trying to remember to use different things for motivation, besides just timeout. For example taking away a toy for a period of time or having her “miss an opportunity” to do something she likes, like getting in the bathtub before I start the water. I’m also trying to have more positive rewards than just negative punishments. For example, “If you do X, I will tell you a story” (she loves hearing stories) instead of always “If you don’t do X, I will put you in timeout”. However, it’s hard to remember all of this when she’s really pushing it. Timeout is still my go to, gut reaction punishment.

Still, we’re not eliminiating the timeouts. My mom pointed out that testing limits is also testing consistency. So we try not to change things up too much. For example, hitting is always an instant timeout. So we don’t let her get away with it in some times and not others. It’s always a timeout, even if timeout is not that effective at the moment.

The key to this is not painting yourself in a corner. Don’t threaten things you don’t intend to follow through on. Because then you really can’t do it, your threat is meaningless, punishment is inconsistent and your entire punishment regieme becomes suspect (“If you don’t stop that right now, you’re not going to school!” is a pretty empty threat).

The funny part is, every parent always says, “You think that’s bad, wait until she’s X [years old]”. When she was a baby, they said “Wait until she hits the terrible twos!” When she was two they said, “Oh, that’s nothing, wait until she’s three!” Now they’re saying, “Oh, 4 is even worse!” And, of course, there’s always, “Wait until she’s a teenager!” It seems like every challenge just prepares you for the next, harder challenge.

Oh well. We’re trying to do what we can to get through it. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is just a stage, and it’s only temporary. Oh, and also, the fate of the rest of her life hangs in the balance if we don’t handle everything just perfectly.

(Side note, based on the text of this blog post, WordPress thinks I aught to tag it “safe sex”! That’s some smart tag recognition! If this doesn’t motivate you for that, I don’t know what will.)